Let me read you a book and creep you out for life

Growing up in the 80’s was not only magical, but just a little scary. We had bright colors, valley girl speak, shoulder pads, big hair and Teddy Ruxpin. Out of everything on that list, I find the last one the most horrifying. The thing was CREEPY.




I get that it was trying to teach young ones to read and all the stories were geared towards teaching us all to “do the right thing”…but…really…it was CREEPY! Yeah, I know I said that already, but I truly don’t care.

I must say, that animatronics in children’s toys has come a long way since 1987, and as a parent, I am happy for that. If I had to deal with more toys now like Teddy, I might be seen on the 5:00pm news being taken away in cuffs and mumbling “It was Teddy!”.

Do you remember how he would “read” the story to you? His mouth would just go up and down in an odd duck bill like way and every once in a while his head would turn…and his dead bear eyes would stare into your soul. Ok…maybe that last part was more Chucky, but whatever.

What I find most upsetting about Teddy was that smock like outfit that he was sporting. WTH? We could not come up with ANYTHING better to put on the poor toy? It was a strange combo of grocery store clerk and cult member.

Ugh. Just thinking about it now gives me the willies…or forever now know as the TEDDIES!

I am going to be like Roseann Bar when she sang at that baseball game...I just know it!

I am not 100% sure when it started, but at some point I became the proud new owner of horrible stage fright. Yeah…I know…shocking, but it’s true. Seriously…stop laughing. It’s a real thing!


I know that if you were to see me at a bar being all chatty and whatnot, you would call bullsh*t on the stage fright, but you put me in front of a crowd and ask me to give a speech or sing…and I would rather face a firing squad. ACK!



As my best friend was just so kind to point out to me, I have been in front of crowds and I did just fine. Well, yes. True. But the thing about that was…my competitive nature took over and at that point it was all about beating the drunk as girl who had, only moments before, been crawling around on the floor of the bar (I sure hope she was up to date on her tetanus) and challenged me. In case you are wondering, yes it DID involve me taking off my top in a bar…but I WON…and that is all that matters. Oh…and as my best friend pointed out, I was sober when I did it.



Anyhow…sorry…I got a bit sidetracked on that. My point I was trying to make was that I can not get in front of a crowd and do anything worthy to human society (taking my top off at Dantes does not count as worthy!).



A while back I mentioned this to someone that I had just met, who happened to be a singer. We joked about hitting up a karaoke bar, drinking way too much and chasing my stage fright far far away. All in good fun, as I thought that it was just random bar talk and that I would not REALLY have to follow through with it.



FLASH FORWARD TO TODAY: Let it be known that via txt at 9:30am on May 18, 2010, I just agreed to go out tomorrow night and try my hand as some horrid karaoke. DOUBLE ACK. Just the thought of it has be all sweaty and feeling all sorts of nasty in the tummy region. I am taking that as not being a good sign.



Would now be a good time to tell the dude that there is no amount of Jameson in the world that will get me to do that or should I just wait and do that speech in person? Maybe Dantes will be open and I can just talk him into letting me take my top off in front of random bar people??





ACK!

MY EYES....THEY BURN!

Okay. I get it. I really do. It’s Portland and we have a lot of dark and stormy days. We have a ton of clouds and rain. I understand all of this. What I don’t understand is this – When we get a little bit of sun, why does all fashion sense just go out the window and most of Portland starts dressing like a whore or someone that is …special?




Yesterday was our first nice day in a while and we reached a nice 74 degrees out. Yeah, for my friends on the East Coast and Texas, I know that 74 is nothing in your eyes, but here…it’s damn near tropical! So I get why people want to shed some rain gear and show some skin, but do they have to go so overboard???

I wish that I would have been able to snap a photo, but while staring and trying to drive and not kill anyone, I missed my window of photo snapping on the truly fashion challenged gal that was walking up Burnside last night. I will do my best to put into words what is seared into my brain…and not in a good way.



I think it is best to start with from the ground up with one:



Shoes: Some sort of Doc Martin/vampire hunting/end of the world apocalypse army boot that went up to her knees. Cuz really…when it is that warm out, the FIRST thing I go for is my knee high army boots…don’t you?

Legs: The part of her legs that were not shaded by the vampire boots had some sort of tights/legging combo, but they were almost shear with some sort of dots on them. Making her look like she had the worlds nastiest case of the pox. SEXY!

More legs: Booty shorts. That is all I have to say on that.

Top: SPARKLY TUBE TOP. I would like to take this moment to add that that this was not a small girl. AT. ALL. So the top (and I still have no clue how the hell it was staying up) look like some sort of grotesque mating trout thing. YUCK.



It was just whole levels of wrong, but seeing as that was just day one of the nice weather…I am sure that I am going to be seeing a whole lot more of this kind of thing. Hmmm….maybe I too need a sparkly tube top? Or…not.

So WRONG!

This is just wrong.  Whole new levels of creepy pediphile wrong...

http://www.seriouseats.com/2010/04/review-hello-kitty-wine-brut-rose-critter-wine-sanrio.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+seriouseatsfeaturesvideos+%28Serious+Eats%29

Online dating = HELL

I am not sure how online dating is affecting the self esteem of the single these days, but it can’t be good.




As you all may know, I did a brief tour of hell, or as you may call it, online dating. It sucked. And I am over it…way over it, but for some unknown reason, I keep getting emails from the stupid dating site that I was a part of. It could be my fault. I will fully admit to that. I went on to the site and cancelled my membership and I thought that would be the end of it. Hmmm….not so much. It would seem that my profile is still on there and for the life of me I cannot remember my password so that I can go on there and delete all traces of myself. I will add that to my ever growing list of “to do’s” for this weekend…someone remind me if I forget.



Anyway. So every few days I get some email from the site “HE CHOSE YOU!” “YOU PROFILE IS GETTING A LOT OF ATTENTION!” or my personal fave “MR. RIGHT HAS CONTACTED YOU!” What is one to do with those sorts of emails? Do I prance around the house doing my wiggly butt happy dance, secure in the knowledge that I soooo rock and that Mr. Right has found me? Um…no. I think not as that would be letting this whole stupid thing go to my head. In fact, it got me to thinking …does the website send you an email every few day in case no one is looking? Does it say something like “DON’T WORRY….MR. RIGHT IS JUST NOT LOGGED ON AT THE MOMENT” or “TRY CHANGING YOUR PROFILE…HERE DO THIS!” or “HEY, YOU WILL FIND A MAN THAT LOVES CATS!” I am really not sure, but I am worried by this. What is this sort of thing doing to the self esteem of those who may not get many hits on a dating website???



And ok…you all know me…I am not all that hot and it is not like men are beating down my door to woo me (as I am tragically single), but I did make sure to put up a somewhat cute-ish photo and make sure to sound like a total goof ball in by bio. Well…because I am a good ball and really, sitting there and talking about how great I am just seemed silly!



Either way….online dating is like the 10 level of hell and I do not wish it upon my worst enemy…even if you are hold a cat in your profile photo!

Oh Derby, I love you...but you scare me!

I have not done too much with my "Try new things in 2010" quest that I started in January.  To be honest, I've done next to nothing with the one exception being the Roller Derby.  Again, I want to clarify...I AM NOT A DERBY GIRL.  As previously posted, I am too much of a wuss for that.  I am however, just right the amount of wuss to be a volunteer for the Derby.

AND I LOVE IT!

The first two bouts that I helped out at were pretty mellow.  The first one I just spent the whole time standing in front of the exit door making sure that in case of a fire...I got the hell out first!  The second one they tossed me in the mix of checking people in and making sure all was right in the world of the VIP.  LOVED IT!

Oh...here is where I have to tell you that on  Monday of last week I tripped over the dog and ate some major door jam with my face.  While not pretty in the normal world...in the derby world it was AWESOME. So much so that when I worked the scrimmage on Friday night, I got asked who I skated for. YES. ME!  Multiple people asked ME that question..HEHEHE.

Ok, back to the derby...

On Friday I worked the scrimmage (black eye and all) and once again had to stand in front of the exit door.  AND ABOUT 100 BOXES OF BACONNAISE!  What may you ask is this BACONNAISE?  Bacon flavored mayo...DUH!  Ok, really my job was to just watch the door, but the boxes were in front of the door and it was not like I was going to move a pallet of boxes, so it looked as if I was there to guard the Baconnaise. TEEE HEEE!  That was a fun night!

I was also signed up to work the Saturday bout the next day. COOL!  This bout had me working the front check in again, but this time outside.  With my purty black eye and jaundice causing yellow volunteer shirt, I was the first thing that people saw when they got to the derby. YOU KNOW I LOVED IT!

I was working for a while and doing my job when some random dude came up to me and yelled out "Hey, you are Baconnaise Girl!"  UM....WTF?  Dude, are you high?  No.  Well, he might have been, but in this case, he was correct...I was Baconnaise Girl.  Turns out that a pic from the night before had made it up on the web of me and my precious jar of Baconnaise.  Who knew that I would be a celeb after a night at the derby?????  Well, not really, but in my little world it was pretty dang cool!

I love the derby!!!!   If any of you get a chance, you should check it out sometime as it is great fun and you never know...you may get some free Baconnaise out of it!   www.rosecityrollers.com      

The soundtrack to my life

I was browsing iTunes last night in the hopes that I would add tons of great work out music to the iTouch and that would make me want to go to the gym and work out.  No, not so much on the working out part, but I did start to think (once again) about the soundtrack to my life.

This is both a blessing a curse. On one hand, music is a big part of my life and ruler of emotions past, present and future.  And on the other hand (the cursed part) at the drop of a hat, music can stab me in the heart and bring back all the pain that was felt when a song was first heard.

I blame this on being a hopeless romantic and a child that was raised on 1980's movies from John Hughes (may he rest in peace).

Back to the music-

While I was looking around the iTunes store for work out music, I clicked on some Ray LaMontagne instead.  Yes, you are correct if you were thinking "That is so not work out music" but I love him anyhow, so I clicked it.  It being the song You Are The Best Thing. AWWWW....start the montage of the happy couple walking in a park, getting stuck in the rain, making it back home just before hypothermia set in, he wipes the stray piece of hair out of her face....and then it is on to the bed room...end scene.  And of course that girl with the wet hair (and great body...as it is my movie after all) is me...SEE...told you...the curse of the hopeless romantic!

Let me just add that in all of my life, I have never gone out of my way to play any music while "in the mood" or to set the scene such at that, but if I did, I would play this song.

So once I dried my tears and got over it...I started to think about other songs that make the soundtrack to my life.  And this time I am talking about situations that have actually happened and not just made up in my head (yeah, I do have some things in my life that I have not made up!).

Side note about me:  I may not remember a persons name, but if there was a song playing in the back round when something went on, I will most likely remember it.  It's weird, I know.  And for the most part, I can always remember the songs that were popular around the time in my life when I knew a person...I think that we all do that in some way.

Here is my list of songs that I think about and associate with a person...be it good or bad!

It Feels good - Toni Toney Tony
Mercy - Duffy
I love rock & roll - Joan Jett
Home - Michael Buble
Rock with you - Michael Jackson
Tipsy - J-Qwon
Never gonna get it - En Vouge
Shout - Tears for Fears

This is just a starter list really of all the songs that are running wild in my head.  I am sure that I will come back and add more, but my iTouch and Ray are calling my name.        

http://www.raylamontagne.com/