In your eyes....

Things that I always seem to think about after watching Say Anything...

Kickboxing...sport of the future
If someone were to stand outside of a girls window and blast music today in 2011, would they get the cops called on them?
I think the awkward first kiss is sweet.
That movie could never be made today or maybe it could, but she would never give him a pen today...she would send him a txt or a tweet and that really just does not work. (I gave her my heart and she gave me a....txt??)
Lloyd Dobler is...dare I say it...the nice guy.
Why is being a nice guy a bad thing? 
Are there still nice guys out in the world or have we made them go into some strange romantic witness protection program?

I sure hope that last one is not true.  That would really suck to only be able to read about "the nice guy" in a book or in the zoo.

I also think that I should avoid Say Anything when I am home alone and feeling mushy.
I might need an intervention soon....or hide all of my 1980 romantic comedies.
Mushy romantic Tamara.....never a good thing.
Maybe tomorrow I should take on the Saw movies???? :)

Yeah....it's been a long week...

Come on ride the train...Day One

Since I will be on the MAX for the next few weeks, I thought that I would blog about it.  Mostly because my life has been really boring over the past few months and I have nothing to blog about and because weird crap seems to happen to me.  And if something weird is going to happen…I am sure that it will happen while huddled with the masses on public transit.

The only thing that I have from last night was a guy I have named, Mr. No Smile.

I caught Mr. NS starring at me multiple times.  Like every time that I looked up from my phone, Mr. SM was looking my way, and would look away all quick and fidget with his bag.  And let me say that I do not think that he was looking at me as I was looking all cute or anything (I was not) but it was more that I was in his direct line of site.  The guy had no choice.

The guy was not creepy.  He looked like your average computer programmer on his way home to the burbs…but….it always freaks me out when you catch someone looking at you and they don’t even so much as smile.  We have all done it and been caught at it, but I try and at least look friendly when I am on the hook for looking at someone.

A quick smile would have done wonders in changing my thoughts on Mr. NS.

And not a smile that says, “Heeeeyyyyyy…..how YOU doing?  Mind if I sit here and ask you for your phone number and make you want to get off at the next stop, even though you are nowhere close to home?”  No…not THAT kind of a smile, but at least a quick little twitch of a facial expression that lets me know that you are not looking at me and trying to figure out how you can dismember my body so that it all fits in the fridge in your moms basement. 

So, day one was not all that much of an adventure…we shall see what day two has to offer.  And if I happen to run into Mr. NS….I am going to give him a big ol goofy grin….and let’s hope that his moms freezer is all full for the winter!

I've seen your picture...your name in lights above it...

Overcoming fear is a crazy thing and powerful thing.  It's almost like a drug in the way it can get into your head and almost change the chemical make up of your brain. And I wont lie, when you have dome something that scares the crap out of you...it's a rush.  I can see why people get hooked on adventure sports and things like that...I never would do anything like that, but I get the feeling behind it.

Something that I did not think about was how overcoming your fear can change peoples perseption of you.  I still see myself as this mousy little person who is still afraid of so many things in the world that I am shocked I leave my house everyday.  But others seem to have this idea that I can do anything and am brave-their words, not mine!

It's funny to me how many times a week I have the conversation with someone, "So, you will do ABC....but not XYZ???"   Um...YES!  Don't get me wrong....I am proud of the fact that I took on my stage fright and did by best to kick it's ass while wearing hardly any clothes, but when it comes down to it, I am still pretty much a wussy. And simple things still make me want to vomit.

Like getting photos taken.  Dude...what burlesque performer does not like to be in front of the camera?  Um...this one.  I have put it off...forever.  Being in front of just one person and their camera just seems so...invasive.  And what if I look silly?  Or fat? Or you can totally see that one eye is larger then the other???????  AHHHHHHH....the pressure is just too much!

But...I have this Groupon that I need to use soon, so I went in and spoke to someone about getting some photos done.  Just one shot.  Just one set of clothes.....nothing wild.  Fully covered.  45 min.  In and out and done.   But even just writting that...I kind of want to get sick a little, but I am looking forward to it.

I met with Mike, the photographer from http://portlandpinups.com/ last night and he seems like a wonderful fellow and put me at ease....even if he did tell me that I was one of the weirdest girls that he has ever met.  Guess people find it odd that random cheesy Tamara is involved in burlesque and roller derby (he found it even more weird that I don't skate, just help out...guess he wants to take a photo of me with a black eye???).

So, sometime in November I am going to do my best to overcome yet another one of my many fears and try and look good in front of a camera.  Maybe if I post of shot of me looking horrified and puking in my purse people will stop thinking that I am so fearless????    

What the hell do they do in there?

I work in a pretty random office building.

On the bottom floor is a car dealership and a strange pharmacy that only old people go to…and it smells funky.

On the top floor there is an office that is always filled with paperwork, but rarely ever people, an office that has been filled with construction crap for two years, a small empty one room office and us.

About two months ago a large desk and shelves showed up in the small one room office.  Shortly after that paint swatches hung from the walls (no painting has yet to be done). The swatches were followed by two large home stereo speakers (the kind that are like 3 feet tall).  The speakers were followed up by a microwave being placed on of the speakers.   Nothing else in the office…just that.

Yesterday I was walking in and out of the corner of my eye noticed little orange things all over the floor.  As a mom to two boys and as someone who has been pelted in the face with these little fuckers….I knew instantly that they were Nerf gun bullets.   TONS of them….all over the place.

 Let me just say that none of us here have any clue of what goes on in that office or who works there.  I think that I have seen the person who works there once, in the bathroom.  I only noticed her as she was in there without any shoes on.  Um, yuck!  She did not say anything to me, just washed her hands and walked out in the direction of her office.

I have seen a random guy on this floor as well….also without shoes.  So I am guessing that he might be the accomplice in the Nerf gun war.

 Oh….I think they must do whatever it is that they do in there late at night as the random office furniture that shows up is always after I have gone home.

I am now on a mission to find out what the hell they are working on…..and if they need a third party.

I come complete with my own Nerf gun and bullets!   

Are you my daddy???

About every three years or so I get a wild hair up my butt to sit for hours on end hunting the WWW in the hopes that I will magically find my biological father.  And every three years or so I come up with the same ol thing....nothing.

After talking to Statler last night, it occurred to me that it has been a while since I have done this and it might be time to give it a try again.

The thing is, I don't have all that much to go on.  His name....and that is about it.  A few years back I ordered my birth certificate from the state with the thought that a middle initial or something would be on it, but it was blank (again...thanks mom). And his name is pretty common....so endless Internet searches come up with nothing.  When I was married, the ex had a friend that was a PI and he passed on the limited info that I had to him.  He came up with the same thing I did.  So my thought was that if Mr. Magnum PI could not get a hit.....I'm pretty sure that I am not going to have any better luck.  I think that was the last time that I really looked into finding him.

So the question would be...why do I feel the need to find him at all?  In 35 years of not meeting the man, I have done ok.  And since (from what I have been told from my not to helpful mother) he does know that I actually do exist and he has never looked for me....why the hell would I even care???

He is probably some POS that I don't want around anyway (after all he did hook up with my mom...and we all know how I feel about her). 
*In my head...he is an entertainment lawyer.  Not sure where I got that from, but ever since I was a little girl and would think about who my dad was....entertainment lawyer was always what came to mind. Odd

And I am sure that I could live the rest of my life being ok with not meeting him, but here are the reasons why I think I would like to chat with the man

1- What if all of his family members died of some strange illness at 36?  That would give me one year left to scratch all the stupid things off my bucket list. Look if I am going to get some flesh eating genetic disease soon....I am going to want to go sky diving first.  Who's going with me???

2- What if I meet and fall in love with my half brother and we get married and have babies with two heads????  Ok. I will admit that was something that I saw on Private Practice (not  the babies with two heads part) and I have never heard of that in real life....but it is a concern when you have no idea of who your family is.
*I actually turned a guy down for a date once as he had the same last name as my biological father.  I have no idea if there was any relation, and I did not ask.  It was just too strange!

3-What do I tell my kids when they ask me why I don't have a father?  "I'm sorry boys, but the truth is, your grandmother (btw...they have never met her either) was a bit of a whore at 18 and did not take the time to   keep in contact with your grandpa and so I have no idea of where he could be.  But I might have passed on some strange illness to you and you might die at 36.  Can you pass the chicken?"  Hmm....while I am far from June Cleaver, I don't think that I will ever have that conversation with them!

I guess one day he will need a kidney or something and look me up.  Until then, I will try and not bring any two headed babies into the world :)

And this photo has nothing to do with my life...just thought it was cute!

I might need to cut out the burgers...

Dreams are funny.  They can mess with your head.  What do you do with your day when you wake up from a dream thinking WTF?????

I have had some crazy dreams in my lifetime.  And I am the kind of person that will wake up and totally remember all of the dream and be able to go into vivid detail about it.  For the most part, I have good dreams, but last night was odd.

And it seems fitting today as I have already made one post on FB about John Cusack that my blog post should be about him as well (see...crazy how that works!).  And while I have often had dreams that Lloyd D...or a man like him....falls head over heals for me and stands outside my window with a boom box, this dream was about this  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgnhkxxYZv8 

And strange part is...I wasn't the real life character from the movie..I was the freaky lil burger!

WTH did I eat before bed that last?????


And yeah...THAT SONG IS STUCK IN MY HEAD TODAY!


I might need to eat salads for a while :)

Your face is going to freeze that way

I don't understand the 'mean mug' or why random people do it.

For those of you that don't know-the mean mug is when someone that you don't know, for no reason feels the need to give you the death glare and walk away.

In most cases the classic mean mug involves females.  Not completely sure why this is the case, but it seems to happen more with the chick then with the dudes.  And it is never a solo mean mugger. OH NO...it is always a gaggle of muggers.  They might not all be participating in the nasty face parade, but it seems to make the head mugger feel better initiating the mean mugging if she has her posse of sour pusses with her.

I was party to this last night.

Just hanging out.  Chatting.  Drinking.  Having a great time when we were mean mugged by one little troll of a mugger (and her gaggle of trolls).

And it was not a random...girl walked by, maybe had a gas pain or her thong rode up up high at that moment causing her to grimis...it was a full on walking, don't break eye contact mean mug.

DUDE? WTF?  REALLY  Trollette?


She quickly shuffled away with her group and averted eye contact once the initial mean mug was complete.

And this is what I don't get....WHY?  Was there some point to that?  Are we in the jungle and you just peed on my foot to mark your territory?

And you don't know me.  I am big girl (bigger then snarky Troll, that is for sure).  And you don't know if I am crazy or not (SHUT IT....you know who you are) or if I will return your mean mug with a slap to the face.
*Ok....I'm a wussy and avoid all confrontation, so I would never do that...but I am sure that there is some scary crazy girl that would.

See, this is why girls are always so bitchy with each other.  Stop the constipated mean mug face and try a smile at a random other female once in a while.  I promise it will hurt less then a cup of blue drank hitting you up side the head!