It’s Christmas tree time again. If you know me, you know that historically this has not gone well.
The Jager Year
This was my first Christmas after the divorce and the first time that I tried to put a tree up solo. This did not end well. First off, my tree stand went missing. As I rushed out to grab a new one (blaming the ex the whole time), I had a feeling that this was the start to a bad afternoon.
Got home and spent HOURS trying to get the stupid thing in the stand and straight. No luck. Over and over again I moved that damn tree in that damn stand and in the end, it was as straight as RuPaul. It was at that point that I broke down in tears and started drinking. Soon, the tears dried, the Jameson kicked in and I came up with an idea….It was clear that I was not going to win when it came to making a straight tree, so I would embrace it…and leave a bottle of Jager on the porch in the flower pot. Yes, the flower pot. I can’t just leave it sitting out…this is not the South…and the home owners association already hates me, so we must hide the Jager. Anyway….my plan was to have everyone who came over that holiday season take a shot before they came in, that way my tree would not look so bad if my guest had a slight buzz on.
The Mommy Dearest Year
This was the year that I put my fine parenting skills to use and nearly killed Kellen when the tree fell on him. To this day I can still hear, “MOM!!!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME??!!??” being screamed out from under the tree. Yeah….he might need counseling for that one later in life….I am saving up now.
The Man Friend Year
I wised up this year. Had a friend help. And this really was a good choice as this was the year that I got it in my head that we would go out and chop a tree down. Hmmm…..looking back on it, I am pretty sure that me and a saw should never come in contact. I do have to say that while we were all set to cut down the tree ourselves with that little janky hand saw that they give you at the tree farm…I was thankful when the lady walked pasted me with a chain saw and asked if she could cut it for us. Yes….YES YOU CAN!
The tree came down and I managed to get it home, in the stand, straight and did not harm anyone. THAT WAS A GOOD YEAR!
This year? UM? There will be no Jager (at least not for me) and Kellen has told me that there is no way in hell that he is helping me and sadly, I do not have a man friend. SO WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.
Pretty sure that this will be the Christmas Vacation year and some random rodent will jump out and try and kill me followed by bursting into flames…ya know….maybe.