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Sunday, December 26, 2010

Can't sleep

I am pretty sure that I wont be getting much sleep tonight.  I am in the middle of a random spell of insomnia. 
Why?  I know why, but not really in the mood to chat about it (and really, the reasons are way not funny, so you don't want to know anyhow).

So since I wont really be sleeping much tonight, I was thinking that I should be productive.  In my head I have an awesome list of things that I could be doing well into the wee hours of daylight, but actually putting this plan into action might be tough.

Pretty sure I will just sit here in bed, with the TV and the laptop being very non productive.  UGH.  HATE THAT.

You would think that if you are going to be up and brain on overdrive, one should at least maybe get a load of laundry done or make lunch for the following day (as when morning does roll around I will be a drooling pile of goo due to the lack of sleep and I am sure that I will forget my breakfast, lunch and almost everything else).

Hmmmm...well...I have killed a few minutes with the blog.  What now?  Maybe I can find a good infomercial on the AbBlaster.  That is some good late night TV!

Please do me a favor--If by some chance you read this and you see me tomorrow, don't mention that I look like death.  Thanks!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Definition of COVET

transitive verb

1: to wish for earnestly

2: to desire (what belongs to another) inordinately or culpably

intransitive verb

: to feel inordinate desire for what belongs to another

— cov·et·able \-və-tə-bəl\ adjective

— cov·et·er \-tər\ noun

— cov·et·ing·ly \-tiŋ-lē\ adverb

I  covet.  I am a coveter.  It's true.  :sigh:
Every morning I drive to work.  And every morning I see the object of my affection staring at me from a shop window.  I drive by.  I slow down.  I look over.  I see it.  I WANT IT!   I continue my drive to work.
It's silly, this object of my affection that causes me to partake in one of the deadly sins.  Not practical.  I am sure cost more then I want to spend, I see it and I want it more!
What is this that has my heart all a flutter?  Car?  Diamonds? Coach bag? Puppy?
Red and black corset with cute little black bows.
Something tells me that this burlesque class that I will be starting soon is starting to work it's way into my head.  Just the thought of outfits for it make me giggle like a kid on Christmas morning.
One of these days I think that I might have to pull the car over and go in and take a look.  Maybe. 
*Melanie...if you are reading this....yes, you will need lipstick!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Expiration Date?

I just noticed that my chapstick has an expiration date.  WHY?  Does it really ever go bad?  It's just wax...and maybe something else (I have never claimed to be a scientist).  Does it truly need an expiration date?  Will it do something crazy to my lips if I try and use it on 08/2012 (the EXP date is 07/2012)?  Will I end up looking like Lisa Renna all plumped up and swollen?

                                      *and if this is the case, will it work on my boobs? Much cheaper then a trip to the MD for 
                                                     some augmentation! 

I am intrigued with this whole chapstick expiration thing.  Who knew?  I thought chapstick was like the twinkie of the cosmetics world.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I'm gonna need some footy jammies.

Two post in one day?

You're welcome!

It hit me today that my kids do not have a Christmas concert or holiday sing or whatever the politically correct are calling it these days.  While my kids are boys...and I really doubt they care at all, I am kinda sad. I loved music class when i was in elementary school.  In fact, until it hit me that I can't play the piano, I wanted to be an elementary school music teacher for a while (yes, I know.  Me being in charge of any youth is really kinda scary).  I loved getting up on the bleachers in a room for a parents that looked less then thrilled to have to spend their Thursday night stuck in a hot smelly gym.  I loved all of the little high pitched voices singing together in as much unison as they could possibly come up with.  I loved it.  ALL OF IT!

One year, maybe 1st grade, we got to wear our jammies to the "big show".  I remember it well....I had on bright yellow Annie footy jammies.  Ya know, the kind that zip all the way up the front.  One one side of the zipper, it was yellow.  The other side had a big ol cartoon picture of Annie.  LOVED THOSE JAMMIES!  That year I got picked to sing one of the three solos in the song that the first graders were performing.  I don't remember the song or much of the night, but I do remember getting up in front of the crowd and singing my little heart out in those yellow jammies.  Ahhhh...good times.

Maybe if I wore some footy jammies out to karaoke I wouldn't have such bad stage fright?  It's a thought!


Once again, the stars and Mr. Levine and I are at odds.  Hmmm...odds seems like a fluffy word when really, I kinda hate this man.  I am sure that he has some sort of training, as I have said before, but it does not stop me from wanting to pelt him with a bag of poo on days like today.

This is what I have in store for my day...


By Rick Levine

You can work yourself up into a state of anxiety today because you have something important to say, yet fear being rejected. You'd rather keep your feelings to yourself than suffer the embarrassment of overstepping someone's boundaries. Unfortunately, developing a relationship, even with a co-worker, may require you to take a risk. Acknowledging your vulnerability is a good first step to a meaningful conversation.

Ok...look...I get it.  I am a Cancer.  We are moody and ever slightly crazy.  Big heart always getting me in trouble.  I am 34...I get that the stars are telling me that I am fucked at this point.  I. GET. IT.

But what is this crap that you have for me today?  Fear rejection?  Um yeah...every day.  Who doesn't? Acknowledging vulnerability? I think not.  I have worked long and hard to build this wall around me and I am happy in my concrete snuggie. Thank you very much.  GAH.  It looks as if the stars have me walking around all weepy and mushy today.!  I wont have any of that.  I am going to change this horoscope and I am going to walk around all tough like and not let anything bother me today. SO TAKE THAT UNIVERSE! HA HA!

*If you need me, I will be over here at my desk trying to find ways to be a hard ass while in truth I am just a mushy cancer lump of vulnerability.  

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

My Bumpa

I am  not sure why, but I found myself thinking about my Grandpa today.  Or Bumpa, as I called him.

He passed away a few years ago, and from time to time happy memories drift into my head of him and all that he brought to my life.

I never knew my dad, and that is ok, because I had my Bumpa.

This is the man that took care of me my whole life.  Taught me how to swim and ride a bike.  Played You Are My Sunshine on his mandolin for me, anytime I asked.  Played Old Maid with me until I was sure he wanted to go nuts.  Would "oil" my Big Wheel Powder Puff for me when it needed "maintenance".

He was a Navy Man, who would not tell me any Navy stories until later in life and my husband (Ex) was around, as stories like that were not for ladies.  He was covered in tattoos, each one faded, but still had a story to tell.  He put salt in his beer.  He mixed the perfect amount of jam and butter together to put on his biscuits and always made mine the same way.

He wasn't perfect, and that is ok because none of us are.  He loved my Grandma will all his heart. He loved the rest of us as well.  He had a soft spot in his heart for my mom, when all of the rest of knew she was a lost cause and had given up on her.  He saw the good in her, that I will assume might be there, but none of the rest of us ever saw.

He walked me down the isle when I got married and that is the only photo from my wedding day that I still have around the house.  He made me feel safe and loved.

He was my Bumpa.    

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

To give or not to give...


To give a gift or to not give a gift...that is the question.  And a question that kinda sucks at this time of year.

At the core of my being..I am a gift giver.  But at this time of year, being a giver can make you look like an ass, when you are really only trying to be nice.  I have a way of making mental notes during the year of random things that people say they are into or want.  IT IS JUST WHAT I DO.  So, when prime gift giving time comes around, I am READY.  The issue of assness comes into play when you give a gift to someone who really had no idea that you were going to play Santa.  You make them feel bad and then in turn you feel bad and that just leads to heavy drinking...and well...just your basic downward spiral of hating the world. And do I really need to hate the world more then I already do?  No.  Probably not.

And on a selfish note--It makes me feel a bit unloved.  While I know that it is always better to give then to get...once in a while it would be nice to get something in return!  BUY A GIRL A COFFEE--I AM NOT PICKY.  Sorry...small vent out of the way...we can all move on now!

Hey is your warning.  If I show up with a gift, just pretend to adore me.  Ok?  Thanks!

**PS....This is high on my list this year (as well as anything else that comes in a lil blue box from Tiffany's or Coach) A girl can dream!
i need a bit of luck for 2011!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Can I poke you with a Christmas?

It occurred to me last night that I might not be embracing this upcoming holiday with open arms...or a cup full of cheer.  That in fact, I might  be a tad negative and grumpy about the whole thing.  Usually I am pooping candy canes and singing Christmas carols in my sleep..ok...well...not really, but you get the point. 

Last night while at the 15000 trip to the store so that the boys could point out the Wii games that Santa was to drop off at our house on  Christmas morning...I was minding my own business and politely staring off into space when above all the sounds that I was tuning out I heard, "Do you think that this is a good one?  I am worried.  It's our first Christmas together and I JUST HAVE to get a totally great gift!"  Ok...I will full on admit that I honestly had no idea that anyone was standing next to me, let alone having a full on conversation with me.  As I turned my head to see where this sound was coming from, I made the mistake of making eye contact...much like feeding a stray do that and you are never going to get rid of them!

"Um...yeah...that's a good game"   All of my shopping wisdom and at that moment, that was all I could give her?  *shopping guilt set in.
"Really?  Cuz I am just not sure.  I just want to give him a great gift!" All this was said with bright eyes...and I think she even might have hopped up and down for a second (I need to mention that she was young...I am thinking not even old enough to drink yet...and therefore still sweet and didn't hate the world*like me) and she just smiled at me.    It scared me for a moment...the eerie sweet smile of the clueless, but then I sorta kinda felt bad.  Here was this person all happy and filled with Christmas joy and the hope that this would be the best holiday ever with her new man and here I was....pretty much wanting to poke her with a stick.
"That's a good game, but this one might be better. It's just came out last week, so it's a safe bet that he might not have it yet."  I even tried to force a small smile (yeah...not proud...just owning up to it).
"YES!  I remember him saying something about this game...I think we saw it on TV or something.  I am going to get this one! Thank you!"  and then....she did it.... All bright eyed and full of the holiday spirit, she turned around (and in my head it was all slow and dramatic) and she said, "I hope you and your boys have a Merry Christmas!"  and she skipped off into the night to make her purchase and to feed deer in the woods or whatever else people like her do.

UGH. Double UGH.  Fine.  This Ebeneser mood that I am holding on to must be lifted.  I am not sure yet as how to do that and I am certain that if it is to be done...booze will have to be involved.  Either way...I am going to do my best to feel some sort of fricking holiday cheer!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The stockings were not hung...yet

The one holiday tradition that I truly love is stockings.  Ever since I was a little girl, it has been the one thing in my life (holiday wise) that has never changed.  I loved it when I got married and did my best to teach the Ex the joy of the stocking and once I had kids, passed it on to them.  I put thought into the stocking and take joy in seeing the faces of those around me on Christmas morning filled with joy.
*Yes, being single has made the last few years with the stocking a bit of a bust (mine is empty) but I will not let that get to me...too much.

Anyhow, stockings are a big deal to me and we have had the same stockings since the boys were born..or before, as is the tradition to keep the same one.  The one at my Grandma's has been with me since I was about 3!  So today I got out all the Christmas boxes and started to unpack.  I got to the second box and noticed that the lid was off...AND THE FUCKING MICE THAT LIVE IN THE GARAGE GOT INTO IT!!.

GRRRR.....the one and only box in the whole garage that I care anything about and this was the one box that the lid was left off and they got to.  I am heartbroken.  I know it's silly and we can go and get new stockings (and we will) but it just makes me sad.

And with this sadness comes revenge! I have gotten rid of the furry little creatures from hell (who knows when they got that box) but now I am on a full on war with all things small and fuzzy.  Bring it on Mickey!

PS...if anyone needs me on Wed night, I will be stocking shopping....with a flask.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

One son is spinning on the pole while the other son shoots him with the nerf gun. Good times!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Is frostbite covered under workers comp?

Look...I know that I should be happy to have a job.  A place to go to every day for hours and hours.  A place that gives me money for showing up.  I get this.  BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD--DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO MAKE US COME TO WORK WHEN THE HEAT IS BROKEN???

Dude--it's going to be a high of 29 today and  it is so cold in my office that my coffee froze as soon as I walked in and my fingers are sticking to the keyboard.  I have so many layers of clothes on that I feel like Ralpie's little brother from A Christmas Story!  God forbid I have to pee at any point today as it is going to take me 30 min to make my way to the final layer that I have on!


If you are going to make us come in and sit through this crap, at least supply us with some chicken fried steak or something.  A little warm gravy would go a long way in warming my  cold dead heart!

   This is work today...inside...freezing!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Must vent.

I have to use my blog as a tool to vent today. 

My relationship with my ex husband is a pretty good one.  We get along and are friends.  The only time we fight is when it has something to do with his wife.  I could have a whole blog just devoted to this subject, but for now, let me just say this...   She is a fine person.  I am sure she is a great step mom to my boys (and how could she not be since she was my nanny before she magically hooked up with my ex). Honestly the only issue I have with her is that she does not know her place when it comes to my kids (um...they have a mom, thanks!) and she feels the need to speak to me in any tone that she pleases.  If you know me, you know that I am not good and holding my tongue and keeping my thoughts to myselff, but I have done a great job when it comes to her.
I would love to go off on her, just once, but I don't.  It's better for the boys that way...and I am doing my best to hold on to that.  BUT HOW NICE DO I HAVE TO BE TO HER?  REALLY?
My son was working on a class project  for his Birthday this weekend.  One of the parts of the project was to add photo's of your family...pretty easy stuff.  He was working on this at my house this weekend and my only involvment in everything was to hand him the photo album and go about cleaning the house.  THAT WAS IT!  I guess he found the one and only photo of my ex and I in the whole book, and used that as it was THE ONLY ONE OF BOTH HIS PARENTS TOGETHER.  If you ask me, it's a horrid photo and I would have loved for him to use something else (at least one where I had makeup on!) but it was not my project, so I did not say anything.  He also picked one other photo of him and his brother.  Easy enough...or so I thought.
Today I get an email from the ex and he is telling me how Nooker (that's what we call her) is all upset and crying as she was left out of the project. UM...OK?!?!  What exactly did they want from me on this one? Do they think that I just had photo's of her around the house?  Do they think that I TOLD my son he could not add her?  NO and NO!  I did my best to tell my ex this, but he just kept emailing me and telling how upset she is.  OK...I do need to add that she WENT OFF (remember that I told you that she takes whatever tone she wants with me?) on me last week when my car was in the shop and I turned to Forrest for help to get the rental car.  Seriously...WENT OFF.  So, in light of all that, I am supposed to feel sorry for her as she was not in a photo on Kellen's Birthday poster?  REALLY? 
For the most part, I am a nice person.  I have a big heart and I care alot about people.  I do not want to see people hurting or in pain-ever, but how much do you all really want from me?   

And for the record (as I never lie to the blog world) I really did not have anything to do with her not being included.  Stop giving me that's the truth!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Guess I needed a sailor

While not a bad day, it was a sad day for me.  My mind is focused on things that I hate and have no time for.  And if I allow it the time to think about these things, then it just sends some note to my eyes and then they cry.  With the crying comes a red nose.  With the red nose comes snot.  With the snot comes me in the middle of a used tissue mountain.  You get the idea...and it's not really all that pretty of a mental image.

In the hopes of trying to avoid Mt. Snotrag, I turned to the Wii/Netflix combo to see what it had in store for me.


Oh yes, I said it-Popeye.  1980's blond singing Robin Williams...THAT POPEYE!
Yes...I know that this is not a good movie.  In fact, I would agree that it is in fact a very bad movie, but it always makes me smile.  I remember seeing in when it came out with my Grandmother and so whenever I see it now, it always makes me think of her. 
And today I have Cooper watching it with me as well.  I can't help but smile as I sit here writing this, Popeye in the back round and Cooper giggling like mad every time something stupid happens in the movie (so he is giggling alot!).

Thank you, Popeye!  You made me smile, but I could do without the Popeye song stuck in my head--toot toot!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I need sleep.

This time of year makes me miss romance.  I would love to be all angry and mad at the word and say stupid crap like "I don't need romancee." or "It's just how the media wants you to feel.  Don't feel like a schmuck because you will die alone!"  or any other combinations of the above statements.   But in truth, I just really miss romance or couplness. 

I am sure that I feel this way most of the year, but around the holidays it always seems to be more on my mind.  I start to think about all the holiday activities that will be starting soon, and while I can do them solo and with friends, some stuff would be nice to do with someone that was crazy about me. :heavysigh:

But I am also tired and mushy today and feeling....all....girl like, so if you ask me about this tomorrow I will call you a liar and shank you.  You have been warned!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I have horrid red hair, but found a great burlesque song. :)

Hugs and porn and stuff...

Grab a cup of cocoa kids and settle in.  We are going to have a good old holiday conversation!

HA...I see that got your attention! this will not be about porn so much as the way technology has advanced and how people view porn. *and a big thanks goes out to CS for allowing me to have this conversation with him last night, because this kind of thing should not be left to live in my head!

The conversation last night was really about HD and big screen TV's and scary some things  can look when brought to you in this format.  Lets face it, some things just don't look all that great in HD (have you seen  some of the local early morning news anchors? EEK!).  And certain items, such as a few body parts, just don't look all that good ever. 

And while my heart has never really gone out to females in the porn industry in the past, after thinking about it last night, I almost felt bad for them.  I know I have my issues with how I look (and I am sure they have many other issues as well) but I could never imagine seeing myself, naked, in strange positions, trying to look all sexy and into it, on a 74inch plasma HD TV.  NO WAY IN HELL!  If I were to ever have to see that, I am sure that I would spend the whole time looking at every imperfection and flaw that I had (really, my ass looks THAT bad?...OH GAWD!....where did that roll come from? can see how this conversation would go...).  Poor porn star girls have to see all that and be judged by it. I almost want to give them all hugs...but I wont as we are in cold and flu season...and well....I have germ issues. Anyway-I am just saying...I think that would suck to have to see myself like that ( I can hardly stand a normal photo of myself maybe I am a freak?)

Now that I have you thinking about porn, I will leave you with this thought....

3D TV.....  :)  

Monday, November 15, 2010

Day one...of MANY.

I hate when I start something and don't finish it. HATE IT.  It eats away at me like some task heavy Jewish guilt.  And no, I am not Jewish, but somewhere along the line I seemed to have picked up this little tick along the way. I have given up trying to fight and just go with it at this point.
So in order to try and finish something that I started about three years ago, I (once again) signed up for some burlesque classes.  This time it is with a really school.  Instructed by wonderful people who know what they hell they are doing. YAY!  I honestly can not wait, but since I have tried to do this twice in the past and it has never worked out, I feel that it is too early to talk about and I am sure that it will mess the whole thing up.  So I am going to hold off on details for the moment.  I know...I am never that much of a tease, but I have to go with that just this once.

What I WILL tell you about is my plan to not look like a crazy drunk cow while doing anything burlesque related as this is a great fear of mine.  Will this new plan keep me from fall off the stage when I trip over my own feet?  Nope.  Will it make me not want to puke when I finally take the stage? Doubt it.  If anything it will just make be angry and sore, but I am going to try my best.

Yesterday I started a bit of a self imposed workout/diet plan.  I got up in the wee hours on a Sunday morning and had a nice run ( walk) around my hood and did my best to eat healthy for the rest of the day. YAY day one!  Not sure how good I will be today as I never actually went to sleep last night (night spend with a few tears) and that tends to lead me down a path of snacking like a crack head, but I am going to try and keep the down to a minimum.

And since the only way to keep me honest is to let other people in on my thought process (it's scary. you have been warned) I am going to post new pics once a week just to see how I am doing. I have until Feb 1st to get into "bump and grind" shape!
*I know it looks like I have some sort of definition to my stomach, but I was sucking it in!  Trust me...I have none!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Douchebag Dude

While eating my salad last night, I had a thought.  Well, in truth I had two thoughts.  The first one being that I wish I would have ordered the pizza and skipped the salad and the second thought was that I wish I was a dude.
But not just any dude...a douchebag dude.

Let me explain:

We all know the douchebag dude.  We all have at least one friend who is the douchebag dude.  And if you are a female, at some point you have dated the douchebag dude or for the rest of this post, the DBD. Also, to our male friends, we have all said, "Don't be the DBD!"  It is honestly never something that we encourage (and by we I am talking about chicks). 
So while the DBD is not really a great thing to wish to be, once in a while I think it would be nice to just do whatever the hell I wanted and not care.  Things like sleep with multiple people (not like in the same bed at the same time, but maybe on different nights of the week) and not care.  The DBD goes from chick to chick and never gets attached and therefore, never gets hurt.  The DBD sleeps soundly at night knowing that since he does not give a crap, his thoughts are free from worry.  Oh to be the DBD!

But......I am neither a dude or a DBD.  I am just a stupid girl, with a big old heart and stuff. :kicksrock:  :)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Santa Tamara

It could be all the NyQuil that I have downed in the last two days or the fact that I have been home alone and left to entertain myself (never a good thing) but I started thinking about the holidays that are just around the corner and stupid little traditions that go along with them.

First off--the tradition of gifts. while that is not the true meaning of the season, it is a part of it and I pride myself on being a somewhat good gift giver.  I am big on the gift basket.  Pick a theme and run with it...I am good at that!  Last weekend I started my shopping and my little creative brain has already started to plan what Santa Tamara will be showing up with this year.  I can't wait!  While I love to get gifts, I love to give them even more, so seeing people smile at this time of year is always a big thing for me.

Ok...we have covered gifts, and now on to the part that I really love....the random stupid holiday tradtions and memory making.

I am big into this one.  I have things that I have to do every year and if I don't, well, it doesnt really feel like it was Christmas. Here is my list-
Go and see the tree is Pioner Place.  Now, you can go and just see the tree, but I like to make a day of it.  Tree. Startbucks. Shopping.  Drinks at certain places around Portland.  This is also best down while walking, and enjoying warm drinks at the tradtional watering holes.  Yes...I am smiling while writting this and thinking about it.
The Singing Christmas Tree.  It's a bit more on the tradtional side and not really something that you can get creative with, but I still love it.
Getting my tree.  Ok...this part I kinda of hate and I am sure that is it gets closer to the time of getting the damn thing, I will blog about it, but for now...lets just leave it at 'it's a tradtion, but one I hate'.
White Christmas -the movie.  STOP LAUGHING!  I love this movie. LOVE IT!  I love Bing Crosby and how the world just seemed simple and happy.  This movie gets me into the holiday spirit every time.  And if you watch it with some hot spiced's even better!

I know that I have more, but I think that my last dose of meds is kicking in and I need to take a nap.  So...what do you have?  What traditions do you have that you MUST do or you just don't feel like you have fully taken on the season? 
And which traditions would you like to join me on?  You never know what kind of adventure I can come up with if taken over by the spirt of Rudolph (I was going to say Santa, but when it's cold out, my nose turns red...)

Friday, November 5, 2010

Tattoo or homemade vodka???

This was my horoscope for today.  When I got to work and read it, I thought "YES...the stars are telling me to go and get a tattoo tonight!"  But after thinking about it for a second, that did not seem quite right. HMMM....I wonder what they are trying to tell me????  I am ok with the spontaneity part but feel that I am lacking on the passion part. I am all about creating something special and impacting others...but how?  OH-maybe this is telling me that I should make another batch of skittle vodka?  That sure does seem to make an impact on others!

What do you think this means for my day???


By Rick Levine

Tonight's Scorpio New Moon activates your 5th House of Spontaneity, inspiring you to express your passion in a creative way. But this isn't about trying to squeeze one more day of productivity out of a boring job situation. It's about creating something special that truly matters. Give whatever you are doing your best shot because you can impact others now in a profound and lasting manner.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


I have this strange love for Kentucky Basketball.  Maybe not strange if I were to have gone to school there, lived there or even visited there, but since I have not done any of those things and I live on the West's strange.  I get it.  Trust me.

I have always wanted to see them play live and since I doubt I will be making my way to Rupp Arena anytime soon--I thought that dream would have to go unfulfilled.


Ok, it is safe to say that I am pretty much as geeked up as I can be about this.  I am not usually one to root on a visiting team (remind me to tell you all about a hockey game that I once attended in Arizona-yikes!) but I am all about cheering on my Cats!!!!!

The only bad part about all of this?  They are going to be here in Portland without Tubby.  You know how I love him. Hmmm.....maybe the Gophers will be here next....I can show them some love! 

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I want to be the squeeky toy...the much loved squeeky toy.

Guys are like dogs or small children.  And no, I am not male bashing or anything-so hear me out on this one.

If you have ever spent any time around dogs or small children, you might have noticed that when it comes to toys or bones, they only want the particular item when someone else does.  The bone/toy can sit in a corner untouched for days, but as soon as anyone else comes along, the original toy/bone owner wants it back.

Guys are like dogs or small children.

I would like to point out that this is not currently what is going on in my life (yes, at the moment I am the bone collecting dust in the corner, not being drooled on!) but something that I have observed over the years with past dogs in my life and in the lives of friends.  But for some reason last night I got to thinking about this topic, and felt the need to ramble on about it today (sorry blog followers).

To be fair-I am sure that girls do this too.  We never want what was once ours to fall into the hands of another.  But this can be with anything.  Shoes, bags, houses.  It does not have to be a guy.  With guys, I don't see it that way.

So men of the world-help me out.  Shed some light on the inner workings of your brain and let me know why you all seem to do this.  Why is it that you never want the girl you had until she has been discarded, left in the corner, moved on and is looking forward to someone else drooling on her?  Well, maybe not drooling, as that is just creepy, but I was trying to bring the whole dog thing full circle.    

Sunday, October 31, 2010

A good time had by all...I think.

I will admit that about two hours before the party on Friday, I wanted to call it off.  I had had a crappy afternoon, my car was in the shop and I thought that the party would suck.

I am so happy that I did not go with out my first freak out and call it off as I ended up having a great time, and I hope that everyone else did as well.

We had food and drink.  Music and dancing.  Laughter and smiles.  AND LOTS OF JELLO SHOTS!

Yes....I think that it was a good time had by all and I can't wait for the next time I get to host a party.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The fear of public ruffle butt viewing.

Through some clever snooping and high level investigation (ok, I am just a friend on the facebook page) I have found out that the local burlesque school will be starting classes soon.

As we all know, my burlesque career was short lived-and by that I mean, never happened at all, but I have always wanted it to.  So with this little bit of new information, I am rather geeked up.

Or I was rather geeked up until I saw what my ass looked like in a pair of ruffle butt panties last night.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!  With the combo of the MD telling me that I could not work out and the vat of Halloween candy that I have been consuming the past few weeks-I am pretty sure that I would only be good at burlesque if I performed for blind people.  ACK!  Not ok.

So today I have vowed to get back on my workout kick and do my best to eat healthy and get rid of 15 pounds before I do the unthinkable and tape on some pasties.  Well, that is unless a group of blind people call and request a burlesque show sometime soon and hell--I say bring on candy!

PS-This butt is clearly my butt double-or inspiration.     

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Random about friendship

A random that has been floating around my head for years...

I've seen you laugh and lord knows I've seen you cry
I've seen your good days and I've seen you when you've let your fortune slip by
And whether you're down on your knees or rising in praise
I will be with you for all of your days

I know life's hard and you know I've been down too
but I wouldn't have made it back up without a little help from you
You've held my hand and wiped away my tears
We've laughed about the good times you chased away my fears  

Monday, October 25, 2010

Dear John Hughes...

You have forever messed up my dating life.  No.  Really.  It's true.

Yeah--so I know that he has passed away and everything, but if I were to ever write him a letter, that is how I would start it. 

And like I previously stated--it's true.

This week I spent a random night watching The Breakfast Club and that led to a random weekend of other 1980's classics that I have not seen in a minute.  Sixteen Candles, Say Anything, Pretty in Pink.  *Don't judge--I had a bit of free movie watching time this weekend while I set up the house for Halloween*

Anyway--after watching all of these movies, I was once again reminded that I am a true-hopeless-romantic and that the only person that I have to blame for this is John Hughes.

So to you Mr. Hughes, all I have to say is--bite me.
*and I may or may not have some Peter Gabriel playing on my Ipod as I write this*  

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Things I will pay good money for.

While at my most favorite Wednesday night watering hole last night, I had a conversation about random crap you can pick up at the dollar store.  Don't get me wrong, when I need something shitty that I don't want to pay over $1.01 for...this is where I will go, but there are just some things that I think you should spend some money on.

Pregnancy test - This is kind of a big deal. If you have ever had to rush out, pick one up and sit and wait for the little hieroglyphic to show up in the know how big of a deal it is!  I just don't trust any somewhat medical test that I am picking up at the dollar store.  God only knows what the little window reads with the dollar store test!  My personal fave--instead of a + or - I really think that it would read "you're fucked" or "your slutty ass got lucky. Next time use a condom". Or maybe "Time to figure out who the baby daddy is"  Ya know...some classy line like that.

Meat products - Of ANY kind...just don't do it.  Who the hell knows what they are schlepping off as food at the dollar store????   I have a theory that it is really some sort of chemically engineered meat that the government is trying to put out to the people to see how it effects them.  Ok--so I don't have any proof of this.  It really could be the fact that I watched some SyFy movie the other night and that was kinda the plot.  Either way--I am going to pass on the meat from the dollar store and maybe spare myself the embarrassment of growing wings while out in public (thank you evil government plot to make me into a Pegasus!)   

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Feeling crabby.

This pretty much sums up how I am feeling today, as since it was already written in the stars, I am just going to go with it.  Well, all of it up until the part about 'don't put up unnecessary walls with those you trust'.  Seeing as there are very few people that I trust and I am not in the mood to make new friends or open up to ANYONE at the moment....I am in a full on contractor mode when it comes to walls.  Bring on the building materials.  Or at least a hard hat and tool belt...


By Rick Levine

It's not easy to tell others what you want even if you are in touch with your feelings. You aren't interested now in showing your vulnerability because of how much energy it would then take to protect yourself. You probably have less to defend than you realize, especially if you are among friends. Although there's no need to say too much in public, don't put up unnecessary walls with those you trust.

Monday, October 18, 2010

How the hell did I get such a smart kid? I'm a proud mom!

Paste Eater or Super Hero?

It's that time of year again.  Time for me to take time off of work.  Head out to the suburbs.  Hang out in a hallway sitting on a chair that was made for about half of my actual butt size.  And hope and pray that I get told that my child is right where he needs to be on the learning curve and that he has not caused any undue stress to the teacher (as she looks about 105 and tying her shoe might cause her to stroke out).

Yes--Parent Teacher Conference Night is tonight.  Gee.  Yeah.

Here is the funny part of all of this--yes--it gets better!

I was looking at the PTA notes from a meeting last month and they noted that conferences would be a bit different this year.  Yes, all of what I listed above will be happening, but this year the teachers are to bring up a college plan as well as a possible career choice.  And this is a quote "Even in kids as young as Kindergarten."  WHAT?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Hmmm....lets see, what was I good at in Kindergarten?  Probably not much of anything and nothing that I would have gone to college for.  Ok, maybe if I could major in coloring or paste eating, but really, I can't see that as a life long career.

I am happy that they want kids to start thinking about college.  I am.  Honestly.  But to talk about it now, at 6 and 7 just seems a bit silly.  I am 34 and I still have no idea what I am good at or what I want to be if I ever grow up.  I sure as hell don't see my kids knowing the answer to those questions either.

Ok..I take that back.  If by some chance Cooper's teacher looks at me and says, "We have a way of testing for potential super hero powers and Cooper was off the chart..."  I would full support this path in life...and make sure he had a cape! 
                             ***Cape to be added later, once his teacher and I have a little chat***

Friday, October 15, 2010


On my 4th trip to the Halloween and or party store (don't ask) yesterday I observed an interesting interaction between a dad and his tween daughter.  And when I say interesting, I really mean-thank god that I have boys and never have to deal with this on my own-kinda of interesting.
Anyway--as I have posted already, Halloween is pretty much a time for the male portion of society to be as bloody as they can be while the female portion needs to be as slutty as they can possible be. 

Now, being a female myself (don't be all shocked by that!) and not really a small female at that, I have had to give the issue of the slut-tastic costume some thought from time to time.  Do I go with the super short french maid or something a bit more ass covering?  But as an adult-I feel that I able to make the right choice for me...and how fat I am feeling that particular year.  

So last night while on trip number lost count to the Spirit Halloween shop, I noticed a tween girl and her dad.  The girl was your typical 10-11 year old girl and her dad was the typical divorced, play dad two days a week kind of dad.  Nothing wrong with that-just setting up the scene for all of you that were not there.  The girl is walking around, looking at all the costumes while her dad (bless his heart) is doing his best to still be cool weekend dad, but not totally let his daughter get rapped while out collecting candy.  After much debate and batting of the eyes, they collectively go with some sort of modified french maid thing.  And I say modified as it looked almost like the adult version, but to make it "teen" they added some pink sparkly things to it.  But in the end, it was still  too short.  It was still too tight.  It was still too much for a 10 year my humble not having a daughter thoughts.  My heart really went out to the dad on this one.  I could tell by the look on his face that he really wanted her to be a fully covered clown with clothing to her feet, but he knew he was not going to win that war or any of the wars that would be faught from now until she was off to college. See--poor guy.

My biggest issue with picking out a costume with my kids this year was to go vampire or vampire zombie.   And honestly--thank goodness for that! to run.  My french maid/bar whench/sexy nurse/cop outfits just came in the mail....       

Thursday, October 14, 2010

PSA--For the Dudes...

 "Yeah, but we are just hanging out, right?"


I hate to burst your little bubble, but you do not need to say this to a female when hanging out in a friend type of environment or at the START of a very laid back relationship.  JUST DON'T SAY IT!

I know you all think that you have it ALL figured out and that you run the world and everything, but I am here to tell you that we (chicks) have a pretty good view of what is going on in the world as well.  Ok, well most of us do anyway.  I am sure that the crazy ones wondering around may not see it the same as the rest of us, but you have to trust that there are more normal females (who are capable of rational thought) then nutters.

Again-point being is that you do not need to say this!!!   TRUST me when I tell you that we are 'just hanging out' with you as well but we are smart enough to not say this to you!
*oh...and saying that to a girl is not going to get her to have sex with don't even think it!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


Hey Hey's party planning time and with that we have the re birth of the party Nazi.  Well, party Nazi lite as I am really not going all out for this party and I am not going to stress if anyone shows up or not.  Hey-if they don't, that is just more Jell-O shots for me! Well...MAYBE that is a small lie as I do care if people show up or not, but I will at least not let it get to me as this is a busy time of year and my announcement of a Halloween party is a bit late.

I wasn't going to have one, but my dear friend Elle has been hounding me to get on the party planning track and since I skipped out on my luau, I felt as if I had to. 

I have never hosted a Halloween party before, and even at party Nazi lite I would like it to be kinda sorta kick what do I need to get this poppin?  Um yeah...I just said that.


Monday, October 4, 2010

My Monday rant...

Girls who act like...well, girls.

Ok.  I know that I am so guilty of this and even more so over the past few months, but for the most part I pride my self on not always acting like a full blown girl.

Here is the situation:
Out with female friend.  Female friend runs into recent hook up.  Hook up is friendly, but not as friend as friend would want him to be.  Hook up goes about his night.  Friend spends night crying on my shoulder. Gee...what fun for me!

So here is the thing.  Friend is all bent as hook up hasn't called her and they haven't hung out since the "incident".
Me-Have you called him?
Friend -No.  I sent a txt.
Me -So you haven't really spoken to him, but you txt?
Friend - Yes
Me - Did he txt you back?
Friend - Yes, but he hasn't asked me to hang out or anything.
Me - Did you guys hang out all the time before?
Friend -  I haven't really known him all that long. But he slept with me, so he should have called!
Me - Crap...please don't cry....again.   - hugs friend- is my thing.  He didn't sleep with her.  She didn't sleep with him.  It takes two.  They slept with each other.  And yes, maybe he could have called by on the same level she could have called him as well.  There is no rule that states the dude must be the one to make the call.
At the time  I did not tell her this, as it was my job to be the shoulder to cry on, but I did have this conversation with her the next day (when booze was not in her system). 

Me - You could have called him.
Friend - Yes, I know.  I guess I should have.
Me - Call him
Friend - Ok. Hanging up now.

Friend -Called. He was waiting for me to call him.  We are going out tonight.
Me - Gee....shocking.

All I am saying is this -- don't always wait for the other person to make the move because maybe they are waiting for you to do the same thing and you never know what you could miss out on if you are both solo checking your cell  to see if anyone called, yet never dialing a number yourself.

But then again...I am tragically single so you may not want to listen to anything that I have to say!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Waldorf and Statler Summer Music Tour-moving into fall.

The start of the fall round of the WASSMT kicked off with Sara Bareilles this weekend.  While I love her and her music, the concert left me a bit..underwhelmed and bored.  Yes, bored.

Let me start off by saying that she sounds just as great in concert as she does on any of her recordings, if not better.  And in my opinion, that is the true mark of a great singer/songwriter (as anyone can sound good with help from the people mixing at the studio-even me!).  She sounded awesome.  She was cute and addressed the crowd with witty banter.  All good things.

But...I was still bored.

It was not Sara's fault, it was the crowd.  Not sure if it was the heat that we had in Portland that day or what, but the crowd was boring and lifeless and sucked all the energy right out of me.  And for me to be low energy at a KNOW something is off.

As I said, she was great and played a bunch of songs off of her new CD, Kaleidoscope Heart, that was just released this month.  Come to think of it-maybe that was the problem?  With the CD just coming out two weeks before the start of her tour, maybe the crowd did not know enough of the new songs and let the vibe drop when she sang them?  Or maybe...just maybe...every once in a while- PORTLAND KINDA SUCKS!

Ok-save the hate comments or blog posts telling me how wrong I am. Please.
I have lived here my whole life and I love Portland.  I honestly do.  But from time to time I think that the 'hipsters' that pride themselves on being here and running this city also make it boring.  COME ON PEOPLE-it's a live show with great music.  Would it kill you to smile and act like you are having a good time?  Really?

So-final review of the show....I love her and will see her again and continue to download her music and play it till I am sick of it or it makes me cry (prolly the later). But the crowd-left me wanting more.  Just saying!  

Way to make me cry, lady.

Yesterday an almost complete stranger asked me why I was single.  Gee-I don't know?  Because I like to be sad an lonely?  Because I hate the human race?  Because dudes are douchbags?  Because it gives you a reason to ask me stupid fucking questions?

While most of these are true...somewhat....they are really not something I want to say to this person on the playground.  But the question did get me thinking...WHY AM I SINGLE?

I am sure that there are many issues that go into my being single, but here are just a few...

1) I want a guy that will make me laugh-haven't found that yet.
2) I want a guy that has a job...and pay taxes-haven't found that yet.
3) I want a guy that will let me be me (cuz we all know that I am GREAT!)-haven't found that yet.

But I think that the biggest issue is...ME.  I am hard to figure out.  I am not easy to read.  And I think that I need a guy who will understand that as independent as I am, I am still needy.  There are going to be times when I am going to break down and cry and all I am going to need from that guy is for him to hug me and let me do this.  I am emotionally high maintenance, but that just seems strange to tell a complete stranger when she asks "Why are you single?" 

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Ugh. Depression sucks when it sneaks up on you. Time to make some changes.


I have moments when I will admit to being slightly obscure and random.  I am sure that most of the time no one on this planet has any clue of what it is that I am talking about even more so when it is something that has to do with the inner ramblings of what goes on in my house.

Take for example a conversation that I had with Forrest years ago.  I don't remember what  we were talking about or what we were doing (but in the back of my head I have a feeling as if Jeopardy was involved) but I know that what ever he had spewed from him mouth was wrong.  And not just a little wrong, but BIG wrong (again, I am thinking Jeopardy as we are highly competitive when it comes to that show) causing me to look at him, and with a straight face proclaim "You are wrong!  Wrong like the Nazi's WRONG!"  I have no idea where that came from or why I said it, but we both laughed and it became a "thing" around our house when ever someone was wrong about something.  Yes, I the outside world that may seem stupid, but to us, (and we still say it to each other) it was funny!

Flash forward a few years, and to Cooper.  Unlike his brother, the kid did not say a whole lot when he was younger.  There was even a brief stint with the speech therapist as a result of this, but now the kid wont shut up-so it has worked out.  But when he was little, he was more of a grunting to communicate kinda guy.  One night I was tucking him into bed, leaned down to say goodnight and told him that I loved him.  He just looked at me for a moment, pointed his finger to my eye and in a voice that was too deep for his 3 year old self said "Eyeball". That was all he said.  Turned over and went to sleep.
So in re-telling the story to Forrest, we started to use the word EYEBALL in the place of I love you.  Again-strange, but if you know me and my family-it works on so many levels!

To those of you out in the world that I adore, I say to you all "EYEBALL!"

Monday, September 27, 2010

Random-as that is how I live most of my life

This weekend was-

So much so that I was actually looking forward to work today and knowing that pretty much none of those three things would be going on today in the world of cubes, paperwork and doctors.  How often have you heard me say that? Um...NEVER.

This weekend did me in and I am pretty sure that I do not need one like it-EVER again.
Ok...MAYBE I am being a wee bit overly dramatic (I do that from time to time) I guess that not all of the weekend was totally bad.  I guess the good things fall under the random header.  I did get to hang out with good friends, and make new ones.  I went on a little shopping excursion with Michelle and now have a bunch of new clothes. **and by new clothes, these are clothes that super fashion diva picked out for me and that I am not sure I have the confidence to pull off, so they may just always hang in the closet, but the shopping trip was still fun.** I went to a concert, always a good time and got the chance to spend an EXTRA long amount of time with someone that I have not see in forever. Oh...and David...hope your car is not full of bullet holes...just saying!
So, in the end, the weekend was not ALL bad, but I am looking forward to a mellow week.  In fact, I am pretty sure that I am going to just spend every night at home learning to cook and watching movies. Boring-hermit Tamara is taking over....for a little while!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

You never hit a girl. EVER. It does not make you a man. It makes you weak...

Friday, September 24, 2010

30 years of flowers

While at the store last night, I stopped in the floral section to get myself some flowers.  I was just looking around and I heard an elderly man behind me say something. I wasn't sure what he had said or if he was talking to me, until he repeated himself. "You should not being buying your own flowers!  No young lady should EVER buy her own flowers--EVER!"  I wasn't too sure what to say, so I smiled and told him that if I didn't buy the flowers, then I would never have them!  He smiled back at me and told me a wonderful story about how, for 30 years, every Friday he brought home flowers to he 'lovely wife'.  He said that he started this when the were courting (his words-how adorable!) and he was trying to win her over, so he would always bring her a single flower on Fridays and that tradition kept up, the whole time they were together.

How sweet is that?  Just something small and just something to make her smile and to let her know that he was thinking of her.  Yes...even just thinking about it and writing this down now is making me cry just a little.

To the 3 people that read this blog (cuz it's really not all that good!) if you have someone in your life that you cherish, let them know that you are thinking about me when I tell you that it will make them smile. Have a happy Friday!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

It's cold out...a Hot Totti sounds nice

I would to proudly announce that I now officially have a derby name!  Yes my friends...A DERBY NAME!
Not that I am going to go and actually DO anything with name as I don't skate or anything, but I kinda felt like a tool adding my photo to the production part of the RCR website and just listing 'Tamara' when everyone else had super awesome names.  It was bad enough that I don't have some total kick ass skater type of photo :hangsheadinshameandtotalsuckage:

Last night at the meeting, I mentioned that I did not have a cool name (yes, please feel sorry for me...derby is rough!) and that it was hard to pick a cool one as I had worlds of trouble when I was trying to find a burlesque name.  Yes...I know...I keep coming back to the burlesque these days and I am thinking that it is a sign that I need to bring that dream back into my world.  Anyhow, I mentioned this, and told them my burlesque name - Hot Totti (Totti VonHoople if you want to all formal and stuff).
The room was in agreement that I should use

I PROUDLY ANNOUNCE THE RE-BIRTH OF HOT TOTTI--She is good people.  I think that you all will adore her!    

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I can't horoscope told me not to

This was my horoscope today by Mr. Levine-who I have come to hate with a passion and also wonder if he has my house bugged due to the fact that most of the time he is pretty spot on.  So much so that it causes great joy on the end of my best friend, Stattler, as she giggles at me from the East Coast.  Thanks for laughing at my pain-heifer!


By Rick Levine

Giving yourself enough time to daydream today can open windows of possibilities for growth you didn't realize was possible. You might even think about enrolling in a new course of study with the imaginative Pisces Moon traveling through your 9th House of Big Ideas. If you have been longing to go on a trip, this is the right time to entertain your wanderlust. Push back your horizons and follow your inclination for something new.

So here is my issue with this daily bit of crap from the stars-I already daydream more then any normal person should.  TRUST ME.  My head is so often in the clouds that trying to focus can be an issue.  I am sure that I could put some of this random daydreaming to good use.  I could write a screenplay all about the sappy John Hughes inspired crap that runs through my brain.  I could develop a whole new Tamara.  One who has super hero like skills...and can also hold her own in a stomp competition (stop laughing-I do not judge whatever it is you daydream about!).

I don't know.  The point is...wait...did I have a point?  No?  Okay, back to dreaming about true love-80's style.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Toxic-thank you Ms. Spears

Ok, not so much the song-that has a really bad way of getting stuck in my head, but toxic friends.
We all have them.  We all put up with them. I have decided to cut my free.
And it is a lot harder then I thought it would be.

You all know me and know that for the most part, I do not let new people into my life all that often, and if I do let you are stuck for life.  Like it or not.  If you want me gone, you pretty much have to tell me that. 
But in this case-it was time.  This friend has not been the kind of friend to me that I need or deserve.  I am a good friend and have always been there for the people that I care about, but this person has not been able to do that for me.  And in the end, really has made me cry more then they have ever made me smile.
So, I woke up this morning and made the choice to let this person go.
I wish them all the best and will miss them and even just writing this now and thinking about it, I am in tears, but it is time.  I love you and care about you and will miss you always-     

Sunday, September 19, 2010

"Do you need someone or do you need me?" Hmmm...good question, Lloyd.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Mr. Z....I will always love you

Jay Z let me down this morning. Like hard core, slap in the face kind of let down. I’m sad about this-I truly am.

Okay-fine. I don’t actually know Mr. Z (but have always secretly felt that we would be super best buds if given the chance) and my interaction with him is purely one sided as in he is my GO TO music when I need to clear my head and drive fast.

I needed that this morning. I wanted that this morning. I didn’t get that this morning.

I did my best. I loaded in The Bluprint (the first one, as I am old school like that) and turned it up and got ready to enjoy some HO VA therapy, but I got jack. Nada. Nothing.

For the first time in forever, Jay did not clear my head. I heard the tunes and the words that usually always bring me down to a rational level and I waited for the warm rush of happy that he always brings me and it never happened. In fact, it pretty much had the Michael Bolton effect on me. I was agitated and almost snarky. WTH? How can this be?

I am baffled, but I am not giving up hope. I will try it again on the way home and see what the outcome is. Please Please Please Please Please Jay…don’t let me down as I would hate to have to switch to Yani :shudder at the thought:

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Just need to get this out in the world

I started out the day with the best intentions of being productive today and really wanted to follow through with that game plan, but seeing as it is now the middle of the day and I am still surrounded by files, I might as well just admit defeat and toss in the old white towel. It is just not happening today.

Maybe it is because I forgot to take my ADD meds this morning. And really, they need like a patch or a pill bottle with a bell or something. I HAVE ADD…I WILL FORGET CRAP…LIKE TAKING THE MEDS! Anyway, my mind will just stay focused on anything that it truly needs to be thinking about today. It has pretty much just told me F-off…I am doing my own thang, lady!

My brain seems to be focused on the conversation that I had with someone last night. Not an easy one, but not one that would bring about any new hurt or anything. Just bringing into the light the rough edges of scars that I do my best to keep hidden.

After it was all said and done (and I was having a drink to keep from shaking) I started to think about why I even bothered to open up and tell this person anything. We are not dating. We are not all that close of friends. I am not sure where the friendship will even go or if it will be there for any amount of time. I also did not set out with a plan of talking about anything from my past (or I would have been drunk before I went to dinner). And sitting here thinking about it now, I still feel numbed by the conversation.

It’s odd the sides that we all have and what we show to the world and when we chose to show the many faces that we all have. I can be many roles to many people. I bend and mold to be what is needed from those around me. I give off the impression that I am always goofy and giggly and the girl cracking jokes. I will take care of anyone that needs it. I will always try and make someone laugh. I will always offer a hug. I am all of those many faces, but at the heart of it, I am also deeply flawed.

I have cuts in my personality that will never fully close. No stitch can bind it back together. No amount of medicine will ever make the small amount of pain that is left in that wound go away. It is just a part of me. That injury to my soul also keeps me wounded in a way. My handicap not being a limp but the need to wall myself into a fortress of my own making. The walls that I build, to me, keep me safe.

But these walls also keep me more wounded then the initial hurt ever could. The barriers that I set up around me, at times, keep me from letting other people into my life and to get to know the real me, flaws and all.

I am working on that. Doing my best to bring down the walls in a manner that does not leave excess scars or bruises. It’s slow. I am not a skilled Maison and I am learning as I go. From time to time, I have to add a block here and there, but I am working on it.

Not that any of this matters to anyone but me, but I just wanted to say that I am doing my best to let you in…whoever you may be. And when the wall comes down and you see the marks and scars that were left so long ago, please see past that and try and see all of me because I can’t hide them I can only bring them into the light and know that they made me who I am.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Ernie Halter=Happy Tamara

I am having a slow time getting started on this Tuesday morning, following a holiday. It’s already feeling like Fall is here. The kids went back to school this morning and I woke up to rain. Yes-Oregon knows how to bring it all on at once!
My saving grace this morning? Rockstar and Ernie Halter. What? Who is this? Does Tamara have a new man in her life? :HEAVYSIGH: No, but his music is like the hug of a lover that I have known for years, and he makes me all warm and giggly.

I will admit that I do not know much about this cat and honesty, I don’t need to know much about him other then the fact that I am in love with his voice and his songs. The best way that I could describe him would be like old school Johnny Lang…like WAY back Johnny, and not the newer stuff that I really don’t care for all that much.

This will not be a long winded blog post, as I need to get some work done. But know that the smile on my face is brought to you by Mr. Halter…and his musical hug.

Check him out. His Congress Hotel CD will not disappoint.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Waldorf and Stattler Summer Music Tour 2010-part two

For the most part, I rarely ever go and see the same band multiple times. I get bored. The ADD kicks in and I really hate to see the same show twice. I have a few exceptions to this rule:
*Show is free
*I know people in the band
*The Avett Brothers
Let’s take a moment to touch on each of these 4 items (yeah, I know you really don’t care, but you are stuck reading at this point, so just go with it!).
Free show-Dude…really? It’s free! Even if the band sucks, it’s a free night of music and people watching. So grab yourself a beer, sit back and just the go with it. Trust me on this one!!!

Personal Groupie- How can you NOT go and support people that you know? They have to start somewhere and if they can’t play and annoying the hell out of their friends and family, how are they going to make it big enough to annoy complete strangers? I really don’t care if they play the same set list night after night…I will be there. I might heckle them, but at least I showed up.

Side note, cuz, well…this does fall under the heading of “Waldorf and Stattler Summer Music Tour 2010” and I have not said one thing about this group yet. LuvTap. Go see them. I know them and adore all of the members in the band. They started out as the house band for the Barrel Room and also play a random Wednesday at Candy (I think they are there THIS Wednesday, if you are looking for a good time) and also Sunday nights at 915. Show em some love…just do it! Pretty please? For me?????

Keane-I just think they put on a pretty great show and while I like their CD, I love them live. I will admit that the first time I heard Keane was at a show they played in Portland. Stattler dragged me to it and I had no clue of who they were or any of their songs. It did not matter that I had never heard one note of one song…the show was so great that they won me over and I have them multiple times now. And yes…I do own their CD’s at this point!

The Avett Brothers- OH MY FUCKING GOD…BEST SHOW EVER! Ok, I had to get that out of the way! I saw them last month when they played at the Edgefield and was blown away by the talent and energy of this group from North Carolina. The music is a mix of rock, blues, country and bluegrass (you should see them rock a banjo…just saying). The energy level during one of their show is off the charts. They don’t stop for one second…and the crowd loves it!

Last week I heard that they were going to be coming back to Portland for a small benefit concert at the Crystal Ballroom, and I knew that I just had to go! Tickets went on sale at 12:00 and by 12:01 my tickets printed and in my hot little happy hands. I will admit that I giggled when it read “General Admission Tickets 3 and 4” and silently cursed the holders of “General Admission Tickets 1 and 2” Bitches…those should have been mine! And all of that was followed up with a nice little happy butt wiggle dance and odd looks from my co-workers.

The show was small, about 500 tickets were sold making for a nice show. Normally I would just hang back in the drinking section with the other sane adults and enjoy the show from a respectable distance. NOT LAST NIGHT BABY! To the shock and horror of my friends, I announced, “I’m going in!” Game face on…I made my way through the sea of young men with freakishly long hair and porn star stashes (PS…dudes…this look is just killing me. It is NOT 1974!) to the front of the stage. BRING IT HIPPIES! It was hot. Smelled like feet and I am sure that some random white person dreadlock touch me at some point :shudder: but it was so worth it! They played an awesome show. AWESOME. From the first song to the last…not one complaint from me or the crowd…even the non high part of the crowd!

I know that I said this the last time I blogged about this band, and if it is getting old…SCREW YOU…it’s my blog! :) but you have to go and check them out. Even if you are not a fan and the songs that you have heard on the radio are not really your thing, seeing them just once in concert will change your mind and make you a lifelong fan.
Just remember—stay the hell away from me with your crazy white people dreads, ok? :-)

Friday, August 27, 2010

I might need a bib

I turn into a babbling terdball when I am nervous. No. Really. Trust me on this one.
I turn read
Spill things on me
Say stupid things
I am sure the list could go on, but I think that you get the picture. Along with all that, when I am nervous I find that I fall into my default position of super smart ass. I can’t help it. It just is…like breathing. Now, I will admit that from time to time, this has worked out in a positive way. I have managed to be just the right amount of smart ass and funny that people have enjoyed it and I end up being told that I should do stand up comedy (never would, but thank you bruised ego). Other times…um….well….I kinda just look like a bitch. Not my intention, but it just seems to work out that way.
Why am I babbling on about all this? DUDE….do I ever really have a reason for babbling? No. But today I do :-)

I have a bit of a situation. SORRY…I was watching the Jersey Shore last night and felt that I needed to work that in there somehow!

Ok…not really a situation, but I have an event that I am attending tonight and I have a feeling that due to the circumstances, I will fall into default smart ass mode and tonight, it will not come off as a stand up comedy routine. THIS I AM SURE OF. It will be bitch mode. ALL.THE.WAY.

Now my problem is-how do I avoid this? Deep breathing? Not talking? Drinking?
Hmmm…none of those really seem like a good option in this situation (ok…I giggle now whenever I use that word-is that wrong?) and I fear that everything that I do will backfire on me-tragically.

Ok…at least I have gotten my fear of tonight out in the world (thank you blog world, so much cheaper then therapy) and I can try and be aware of it and try and just be me. Although I will not pack anything messy, as I am sure I will spill something on me!

Friday, August 20, 2010

I could be a ninja with a small dog in a sweater...

In case you don’t know me—I’m white. German, Irish and Norwegian. Pretty sure that makes me like SUPER WHITE with the amazing ability to drink whisky and thanks to the Irish side, get a little mouthy when I do. (In case someone is reading this blog that I have recently offended while partaking in the Jameson, I am sorry, but in my head, it was all in great fun. In my head does not always translate well to the world around me)
The other day I was txting a friend of mine who said “I am Asian, don’t make me break out my ninja skilz!”

OHHHHH…Instant jealousy! I am white, and therefore, have no ninja skilz to speak of. :SADTAMARA: Then it got me to thinking…what could I claim as a super awesome skill due to my ethnic origin?

DUDE? What cool skilz do us while people have???? It took me a really long time, but here is the short list that I came up with and let me just tell you…I would much rather have NINJA on my resume.

1-The ability to clear the dance floor due to bad dancing.

2- Sporting a screaming angry red sunburn.

3-Walking around town with no shame when screaming angry red sunburn starts to peel and you look like a molting animal.

4-The talent for watching NASCAR.

5-Thinking that Jell-0 can be served as a salad if you add fruit to it.

6-Dressing dogs in sweaters.

If I ever send you a txt that reads, “I am white, I can dress a dog in a sweater!” …please come find me and smack me. Thank you in advance~

But a dog in a ninja outfiit would be ok, yes?

Hmm...on second thought-no.  That would not be ok either.  And for the record, this is not my dog.  I stole the image off of the net..and the poor little thing looks more like Hanibal Lecter in that facemask thing then a happy lil ninja dog.  Just saying.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

My own personal Miss Cleo...

It will always amaze me how in tune Kellen is with me and my emotions. As the mom, I hide most of the things I am feeling from my kids because; well…it’s my job. For the most part, I feel like I do a pretty good job at it. I try to never let them see me cry, get too angry or pull a stage one nutter. All of this is kept inside until they are all tucked away in bed and dreaming like angels.

Last night I was waiting for a call from a friend so that we could work some things out. The boys could care less if I was in the house or not let alone busy on the phone, but I did tell them that I would be in my room on the phone and to try not to kill each other. Yes, parenting at its finest-I know.

So I take the phone call and emerge from my room a while later. Oh-I would like to add that while they did sound like they were members of the WWF while I was on the phone, they managed to not draw blood, cry or break anything. YAY kids!

I walk into the living room to see if all limbs were still where they should be on each child and Kellen stops playing keep away with Phen Phen and looks at me –

“Mom, are you okay?”

“Um, yeah…why?”

“You look like you are worried about something. Did your phone call upset you?”

“No sweetheart, my phone call was just fine. Keep picking on your brother”

“Well, okay…HAHAHAH Cooper, you are never getting Phen Phen back….”

As all this was happening I took a quick look in the mirror to see if I looked worried. Nope.

Signs of tears? Nope.

Hmmm…..I think that I am going to just have to trust that the Ammerman gene or Spidy sense to know what is going on with others has been passed down to Kellen.

Not so much with Cooper, who at that point was trying to fart on his brothers head…..

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Oh...just found out I can blog from my phone!

I have the power of...crap...I have no clue!

While taking a break from work, I found myself pondering the age old question—which super hero power would you want and why.

I have no clue why that question popped into my head. In fact I was originally feeling sorry for the sad state of affairs that is my love live and listening to sappy music on the ipod. Not really what you would call the moment for super hero thoughts, but as always, I am pretty random, so I guess I really should not question the order that my brain works in.

Back to the question.

Would I like to fly?

Read peoples minds?

Walk through walls?

Be invisible?

Made of steel?

Be able to grow sharp mettle claws and awesome sideburns?

I really don’t know. Maybe that is why I stopped what I was doing and gave is some thought.

First off—no way in hell I want to read the thoughts of others. If it is anything like Suki on True Blood, that would just suck. And honestly, I just don’t think that would be all that interesting. I would be hearing crap all day like “Shit, did I turn the oven off?” “Do I really look that big in these pants?” “Oh look- I really can flick a bugger and hit the girl over there in the head!”

See…just things that I just do not need to hear. So I went on to thinking about the other items on the list. Lets also mark off being Wolverine. I am a girl. We do not want any extra hair thankyouverymuch! I guess that flying would be cool….but what about when you get to where you are going? Do you pre send your bags? I don’t go too crazy when I pack, but a girl has gotta have a few things! Be invisible-hmmmm that one is almost ok, but I don’t think that I like it all that much. That one just seems like it could backfire. Do I really want to know what people are saying about me when I am in the room? Do you really want to see a superhero cry? Cuz I am sure that I would and who likes a wet cape?

After all of this thought, I am right where I started and I really don’t know. I will have to ponder this some more…maybe while having a drink and wearing my cape…

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Fuzzy little beast must die

I am the victim of a home invasion. I feel violated and afraid to sleep alone at night (no that is not a call for you men to come sleep with me).

*****I have a rodent of some sort that has decided to take up residency in my home*****

From the sounds of it—it is a beaver or a baby sasquatch…I am not sure yet as I have not made eye contact with the furry little unwanted squatter.

After a long day at work and a drink out with a friend, I got home late. I had to be at work at 5am this morning, so all I wanted to do was get in bed and crash. Then I heard some odd sounds. I thought at first that it was outside. Nope. Like a horror movie, the sound was IN MY HOUSE ***start scary music here***

I thought that maybe it was just in the attic and could not get to me there, but then the sound started moving around the house and I could hear baby sasquatch chewing on things. OH HELL NO!

So I did what any 34 year old women would do at 3am….grabbed an orange T-ball bat and when looking for the thing! In my pink jammies, I tiptoed around the house. Not sure why as I had no clue of what the hell I was going to do with the thing if I found it. Club it to death? First off…it was a T-ball bat! I would have to get way too close for my comfort to attach the thing with that. And second….what it if went all crazy on my ass and just like the squirrel in Christmas Vacation, attached it’s self to me? What the fuck would I do then???

Um yeah…I will tell you what I would do. Run my pink jammied wearing self screaming like a banshee out in the middle of the street as if my house was on fire. Scream some more. Assume that I was going to die of rabies and probably have to move. Just saying.

At some point I fell asleep. All the lights on. Sitting up in my bed keeping watch. I did hear the thing this morning. It sounded like it was in the fireplace, but after only two hours sleep and needing to get to work…I did not have the energy to grab my bat and play piñata with whatever it was.

I am thinking tonight that I will dress in all black and go ninja on his ass. Maybe.  But I doubt it.  I have an image in my head of it jumping out at me.  Attaching to my head and face and me running out in the front yard looking like a fucked up Davy Crockett.  OH SURE--YOU LAUGH NOW, BUT YOU KNOW THIS WOULD HAPPEN TO ME!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Waldorf and Statler Summer Music Tour Part One

My original plan for this summer was music, music, music and more music. So much music that I had a name for it – The Waldorf and Statler Summer Music Tour. I am sure you have a few questions at this point, so let me take a moment to break it all down for you:

Waldorf and Statler – The two grumpy old dues from the Muppet Show. Also the name

that my best friend and I use to describe how we are when we are together.

My best friend was going to be home this summer from NYC (where she has lived for far

too long) and she was going to travel with me (oh…BTW…I am Waldorf in this whole

thing…if it matters to anyone) and we were going to hit up local dives to hear local craptastic groups.


And like most of my crazy, dreamt up late at night plans…it never happened.

Due to (god hating me) circumstances beyond Statlers control, she was unable to move back home as planned, and had to push that back a few months. Also (after much crying on my end) there might be a trip planned out to see her…so really…it will all work out in the end.

So I decided that this summer of music would just have to go on without my trusty partner in crime and this weekend was the kickoff to The Waldorf and Statler Summer Music Tour….well…sorta as it was just me, but I think you get that by now.

I started off the tour with a trip out to the Edgefield to see The Avett Brothers. And while I am known for being a bit of a smart ass and critical…I have not one negative comment to say about this show or this band. Yes, I know…hell just might have frozen, but really…THEY WERE THAT GREAT! I will admit to being a new fan of the band and not knowing some of the older songs that they did, but that was not really much of an issue as even the songs that I did not know where awesome and they KILLED IT! The band had high energy from start to finish and had the whole crown on their feet for the whole show (the show was outside and it was hot, so that is saying something!)

If I had never heard one of their songs, I would have been a huge fan after seeing the show..that is how good it was!

The second stop on the tour was immediately following The Avett Brothers show, but at a different location. This gig took us (and not us as in W&S, but I dragged a derby friend along with me. Poor girl didn’t have a choice really as I was driving!) to NW Portland and a lil bar called Slabtown. Now, I will admit to being a fan of the dive bar, but this was not a place that I had ever been to and if it weren’t for the fact that my friend was playing in the band, I don’t think that I would have EVER gone to. But…location is really not the point of this. The band was the point and that is what I am getting to.

The band was The Madison Concrete and simply put—THEY WERE AWESOME. True…I know the lead singer, so I went into the show knowing that it would be good, but after watching them and seeing how the crowd reacted to them, it was honestly just a great show. The music is a rocking/soul kind of thing with some covers that we all know and love, but by no means was this a mellow show. The band was moving and working just as hard as the crowd. A good sweaty time was had by all and I will make sure to add them to more tour stops!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


This is what I got out of the stars today…


By Rick Levine

Even if you are comfortable in the illogical realms of feelings, it's hard to let go of your prejudices today. Your values can stand in the way of your success if you aren't willing to reconsider your position. But a discussion will only take you so far now that actions speak louder than words. Don't go rambling on about unimportant facts; instead, find a way to express yourself through a gesture of appreciation that doesn't require any words at all.

While I am sure that Mr. Levine knows all that he can about the stars and crap, I just don’t get it.

What I really need is for the person writing my horoscope to break it down something like this-


Today is going to fucking suck. No matter what, do not get out of bed. If you do, bad things will happen. As I cannot see all of your chart, I will just assume that horrible dismemberment is involved, so trust me. I am a professional star reader and in my professional opinion, your day is fucked.

See….if they could just break it down for me like that, then I know what I am dealing with.