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Friday, February 19, 2010

Evil mower from hell...we meet again

We have sun! We have sun! We have sun! We have sun! We have sun! We have sun! We have sun!

Ok…sorry for that, but I live in Oregon. Home of the dark grey skies and rain from around September until June. So when we have a few days of sun and on a Friday leading up to a weekend, it is pretty big news around here. Trust me. I have been giving a lot of thought as to what to do to enjoy this little blast of greatness before the rain comes back-because it will. And out of all the super awesome things that I could be doing…I am going to be doing yard work. Sigh.
I know that for some people, yard work is something that brings them great enjoyment and peace. I see my little old neighbor lady outside in her garden with a look of zen on her face. She sings a little song while trimming her roses and tiny little blue birds sit on her shoulder and keep her company while she works. Ok, maybe not the birds. I could have made that part up. Maybe. Anyway, birds or no birds, her yard is filled with comfort and peace.
Walk three houses down to my house and the calmness that you felt three houses up the street quickly turns into anxiety and curse words. That would be me doing the cursing! Not sure what my deal is, but you get my in the front yard, with the evil lawn mower from hell and I turn into the long lost Osborne sister that they never showed on the TV show. It’s bad. I know it is. I can just feel the neighbors eyes on me (they don’t like me anyhow) and I just know that it won’t end well. But, after saying all that…I must add that it is not my fault. Look a few lines up..see…right there where I mention the “evil lawn mower from hell”? I put all the blame on it. It hates me (more than the neighbors) I am sure of it. For one…it NEVER starts. NEVER! I can’t tell you how many times I have nearly thrown my back out, worked up a sweat, cried and cursed only to have to it sit there, unstaring and mocking me. GRRRR. Most of the time I end up giving up and just putting the stupid thing away. I am almost 100% sure that the mower has something going on with the edger as well, but as I can feel my anger rising towards these two inanimate objects, I will not go into that one now.
Also adding to the hatred of the yard work is the fact that I am really no good at it. I can spend all day out in the yard clipping, mowing and pruning and it still always looks like I just park an old Nova in the middle of the yard on blocks. And trust me, I would, if only to piss the people in the hood off, but the home owner association nazi’s are a pain in the butt and they are still mad at me for not putting my yard debris container away within the 35 seconds after the trash man came to get it, so I just rather not mess with them and a nova at this point. Maybe next summer…

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I almost died

It's true. I almost died last night. And while I would love to tell you that I almost met my end by doing something great, like saving a kitten from a tree. It would just not be true. The sad truth is, I almost died last night while trying out a new workout DVD.


The night started off with a bang. I had fed the lil ones, the dogs, made lunches for the following day, started laundry and vacuumed. I was feeling all full of SHE-RAness and I thought that last night would be a great time to try out the new Jillian Micheal's workout DVD that had been mocking me for the past month. I should have known by the few times that I had seen The Biggest Looser that the night would end in tears, and a possible request to call 911.

And here is just a little side tip, before I go into the story of death-If you look at a workout DVD and on the back cover all of the girls are super workout goddess...DON'T BUY IT! Put it down as if it bit you and walk on. Keep looking until you find the DVD that has some more mortal chicks on the back cover. Because trust me when I tell you, those gals would not last the whole DVD that you just put back, those gals are like you and me...wanting death to the girls on the back of the first DVD. Try it out for yourself...or just trust me on this one. Either way, I tried to help! back to Faces of Death. I started out doing the warm up thinking, "Hey...40 minutes? That's nothing. I can do this." Fast forward to about 12 minutes into the stupid thing and I wanted to die. I was sweaty, out of breath, body parts hurt and after seeing myself in the mirror...looked like a cow.

As if all of that was not bad enough,my kids were in the room with me. I am sure if they would have known, they would have been secretly recording the whole thing as to have it posted on YouTube later. I will make sure to pat them down for recording devices...should there be a next time I work out. Changes of that are slim, but you never know.

I was sweating and trying not to curse like an Osborne and trying to do my best to not throw out a hip, when my little guys says to me "Mom, you sound like you are struggling. Do you need me to call 911?" I would have smacked him at that point, but my body was using all the energy I had to just keep standing up. I made a mental note to hate him for the rest of his life.

I moved on to the floor work. Great. I thought that here I could get a little rest. NOPE. I guess she is some sort of freak show that does not believe in rest and makes you work the whole time. UGH.

At this same moment, my other son, who was on the couch reading, looks up from his book to make the statement, "That looks like it hurts. And it looks like it sucks"
Gee...thanks MENSA. Again, mental note made to take him off of the Christmas list.

I tried my best to keep up with the whole DVD. ALL hellish 40 min of it, but in the end...I gave up. That crap was hard! And I am fat!

At the end of the night my oldest said to me, "You should take it back to the store." No...that would be too easy for that little round disk. I looked at my son and said, "Oh no...we are burning itno one else will ever have to buy it and almost die!" Well, he thought that was just too funny and laughed with all the joy that a 7 year old can laugh with.

I am burning it when I get home tonight!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Girl Crush

While I find the new cast of The Girls Next Door to be's the word I am looking for? Oh yeah, vampid, horrible, boring, stomach turning...and a whole bunch of other not-so-nice things...I love the old cast. And I love Kendra. Total girl crush..I admit it. I liked her on the first show, loved her on the first go-round of Kendra and simply adore her with a new baby (and oh so hot hubby).

I can't wait for the this season of the show!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

What's up?

I will admit to slacking on my happy little piece of fluff that I like to call my blog. I have thought about writing, but those thoughts are mostly in the middle of the night, when my brain is on overload and I can't sleep. I think about what I want to write in my blog, but that would require me to get out of bed, trip on whatever dog is sleeping next to my bed, find the laptop, put on the geek glasses and actually for a thought that makes sense to the human world. As we know, I hardly make any sense in the day time, when I am sorta functioning, so the late night blogging has gone undone.

And really...NOTHING has been going on in my life to blog about. NOTHING :sigh:

I started the blog when I embarked on the great burlesque adventure, but after two tries at that, the dream has been left for dead. I would like to add that I was all set to strip down to pasties and make a fool out of myself and call it art, but the rest of the class seemed to have chickened out at some point. WUSSIES! Maybe I will re live that dream again one day. Maybe after I really start hitting up the gym, or find some great tape worm that causes me to drop 30lbs. Either way... I will keep you posted!

Hmmm...what else has been going on in the life of Ms. Hot Tottie? NOTHING!!! No...really...NOTHING! I have given up the dating life and left the world of the Internet pound for singles (OH..PICK ME. PICK ME...I AM CUTE AND WONT PEE ON YOUR FLOOR!) and have just come to the cold hard fact that I am going to be single for a LONG time.'s cool. I will go and get many cats and we will be happy living our happy little world of catness. The one main issue I keep having with that, and what keeps me from getting a cat is...I HATE THEM. And while I do not have any proof on this, I am pretty sure that all cats hate me. For 33 years I have been fine with this, but when trying to accomplish my goal of being the crazy cat lady, this little fact makes it hard. Oh well...much like most of the other plans that I have set out for me...I will keep it on the "TO DO" list and re visit it at some later date. Maybe.

What else..hhmmmm...oh...ROLLER DERBY! Yes, baby...I said it (or wrote it) ROLLER DERBY! I have taken up a small interest in this great lil Portland sport. Ok...FINE....I have take up an interest in being a volunteer for this great lil Portland sport. I am not gonna lie...those gals are kick ass and TOUGH as hell. NO WAY I WOULD LAST A BOUT WITH THEM..and I look better with teeth. So, they tell me to go and sell some T-shirts or whatever....I am on it! And for the most part have high hopes that all my original teeth stay located where they are now. It's for the best...TRUST ME!

Ok....I think that I need food. Lack of sleep and food is not the best combo for me!

So, if I have any readers of this blog (and people in prison do NOT count) I promise that I will do my best to keep you updated on the nothing that is my life.