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Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Grace was here this weekend. I hope you did not miss her!

A funny thing happens when you look out into a crowd of people and say, “Fuck it…I am going to have fun!”

That is what happened to me on Sunday.
In the weeks leading up to the show last weekend, I was scared to death.  Not only had I not been on a stage since June, but I was debuting two new acts.  So the potential for EPIC FAIL was high.  Add to that the fact that I have been pretty depressed, so I have been eating poorly and being lazy…so my body was not really in prime sexy shape.  And as always, that little issue of stage fright….so yeah, I was a wreck anytime I would think about the upcoming show.
Pasties were rhinestoned.
Jameson bottles were spray glittered.
Acts had been practiced around my house.
The fight with the false eyelashes had been won (somewhat). 

It was time! 

I got to the venue early (as I do) and was killing some time at the bar waiting on my Redbull when I noticed people coming in.  People that I knew.  Non burly people.  People who were there….to see me! 

Now, I am not sure how other people who are performers deal with the audience or if they want people they know there or not, but for me…I LOVE IT!  If I am going to do something, even if it is something that could require me making a fool of myself, I always do a better job at it if ‘my people’ are there to see me do it….and to potentially tease me for it when I am done.  So…I said hello to the people that had showed up early and went down to the basement to finish getting ready.

As I was standing in the back of the venue, watching the first performer, I started to look around the room.  The place was packed…and more of my friends had made it down.  Looking at everyone, in that moment, my nerves were gone.  Why? 
Because my friends were there.
These people had left the comfort of their warm house on a Sunday evening, braved the rain, traveled downtown, paid the cover at the door, got a drink….and settled in to see a show…all because I had asked them to.  In support of me, and knowing how important this night was for me….they were there.
I also knew that half of these people have seen me make a fool out of myself a million times before, so doing it on stage was not going to be an issue!
My first act was not perfect…I know this.  I know that I need to hit some marks a bit better and use the stage more, but for the most part, I think that it was pretty good.  I do wish I would have thought ahead to plant a camera in the audience with a friend so that it could have been taped, so that I could really see what I looked like, but oh well!  I had fun with it…and I like how that felt.
I don’t know if it was the vibe of the night or the fact that I was wearing flannel jammies during the intermission of the show, but something else hit me….if I am going to do this burlesque thing ever again…I am going to stay true to myself and be goofy and funny and not try to be the classic sexy type of performer.  That is just not me and I think that I was thinking that I needed to play up this sexy side on stage…and that was stressing me out! 
So when my turn to get up on stage came around again, this time, there was no fear, nerves or stage fright.  Again, was it perfect…no.  Far from it!  I still have many more stages to get on and strut around before I will be any good at this….but the act was fun.  I had fun.  The audience had fun.  And when I left the stage, with pretty much nothing more than pasties and my Jameson bottle, I was not shaking.  I did not feel like I wanted to barf.  I had a smile on my face and for the first time in a long time…..I was proud of myself.  Truly and honestly proud of something that I had created.  That is a great feeling.
Thank you to everyone that came out Sunday night.  Just by you being there, you gave me the courage and the strength to get up on that stage and have fun and I owe you more then I could ever put into words on this blog.
And to the other performers who I had the honor to be on stage with, you continue to inspire me and welcome me. You are truly turning into my burly family.

Oh…and Zora.  It was your voice in my head telling me I could do it as I sat gluing rhinestones night after night.  And your hugs I felt when I got frustrated working out the routine and tripping over my own two clumsy feet.  You continue to push me.  You constantly encourage me.  And above all else, have faith in me when I have none in myself.  How do I ever thank you for that??? 

 Oh….and sorry for the heckler!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Smokey and the Snot Bandit.

Let me just start by saying that I am not the type of female that flirts to get what she wants.  I wish that I had this skill and I am in awe of my female friends that can do this and can do it well.  Props to you ladies!  I try and bat my eyelashes and look cute and it ends up looking like I have lost a contact or a neurological defect.  Mmmhmmm…

So since I am not what you would call a flirter by nature, as you can guess, I am not the type to try and flirt my way out of a ticket.  On the few occasions that I have been pulled over, I am sure that I am going to jail for life….even for a speeding ticket.  I can’t help it.  My mind just jumps about 100 steps ahead and I always assume the worst.  Do most people go to jail for going 65 on the freeway?  I am guessing no, but with my luck, you never know.  That being said, as you can guess, I am not smooth flirty girl in time of traffic cop interaction.  In most cases I am scared to death, face bright red, can’t find my insurance because I am shaking girl.  Oh…lets add the batting of the eyelashes now/possible having a seizer look…think it will work?
Now that you have that mental image going, let me paint the picture of what happened this morning on my way to work….
I am going to start by saying…it was not my best morning.  I got no sleep at all for the second night in a row, so I started off the day on the wrong foot.  I have been super stressed about a bunch of crap going on in my life, feeling lonely, fence blew over last night and just a bunch of basic pity party issues that left me feeling like crap this morning. Add to that some stupid song that came on the radio and…I lost my shit.
Tears. Lots of tears.   And not happy little you just saw a new baby being born and life is sweet tears…OH NO…TEARS.  Face blotchy, nose that could lead Santa’s sleigh, eyes swollen, snot dripping down your nose kind of tears.  The only way to describe me this morning?  HOT MESS….and those words would be kind!
With that pretty mental image of lil old me in your head, now picture what  I would look like with all that AND getting pulled over running a red light (not on purpose….but as I have covered….not my best morning!).  Lets face it….there were meth heads on the corner that looked better than I did at that moment. UGH. Hey officer, how you doing? Sniff. Wipes snot off on coat…
The good part of this story is that the officer was nice enough to not give me a ticket (who says Portland cops only shoot people?)  but I am pretty sure that was only due to the fact that I looked like a pathetic mess.  And the site of my snot was probable grossing him out.  He did make me promise that for the rest of my commute that I would not cry. YES SIR! Sniffle. More snot.
I managed to make it into work this morning without anything else happening….and for keeping my snot output to a minimum.