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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I am going to be like Roseann Bar when she sang at that baseball game...I just know it!

I am not 100% sure when it started, but at some point I became the proud new owner of horrible stage fright. Yeah…I know…shocking, but it’s true. Seriously…stop laughing. It’s a real thing!

I know that if you were to see me at a bar being all chatty and whatnot, you would call bullsh*t on the stage fright, but you put me in front of a crowd and ask me to give a speech or sing…and I would rather face a firing squad. ACK!

As my best friend was just so kind to point out to me, I have been in front of crowds and I did just fine. Well, yes. True. But the thing about that was…my competitive nature took over and at that point it was all about beating the drunk as girl who had, only moments before, been crawling around on the floor of the bar (I sure hope she was up to date on her tetanus) and challenged me. In case you are wondering, yes it DID involve me taking off my top in a bar…but I WON…and that is all that matters. Oh…and as my best friend pointed out, I was sober when I did it.

Anyhow…sorry…I got a bit sidetracked on that. My point I was trying to make was that I can not get in front of a crowd and do anything worthy to human society (taking my top off at Dantes does not count as worthy!).

A while back I mentioned this to someone that I had just met, who happened to be a singer. We joked about hitting up a karaoke bar, drinking way too much and chasing my stage fright far far away. All in good fun, as I thought that it was just random bar talk and that I would not REALLY have to follow through with it.

FLASH FORWARD TO TODAY: Let it be known that via txt at 9:30am on May 18, 2010, I just agreed to go out tomorrow night and try my hand as some horrid karaoke. DOUBLE ACK. Just the thought of it has be all sweaty and feeling all sorts of nasty in the tummy region. I am taking that as not being a good sign.

Would now be a good time to tell the dude that there is no amount of Jameson in the world that will get me to do that or should I just wait and do that speech in person? Maybe Dantes will be open and I can just talk him into letting me take my top off in front of random bar people??


Friday, May 14, 2010


Okay. I get it. I really do. It’s Portland and we have a lot of dark and stormy days. We have a ton of clouds and rain. I understand all of this. What I don’t understand is this – When we get a little bit of sun, why does all fashion sense just go out the window and most of Portland starts dressing like a whore or someone that is …special?

Yesterday was our first nice day in a while and we reached a nice 74 degrees out. Yeah, for my friends on the East Coast and Texas, I know that 74 is nothing in your eyes, but here…it’s damn near tropical! So I get why people want to shed some rain gear and show some skin, but do they have to go so overboard???

I wish that I would have been able to snap a photo, but while staring and trying to drive and not kill anyone, I missed my window of photo snapping on the truly fashion challenged gal that was walking up Burnside last night. I will do my best to put into words what is seared into my brain…and not in a good way.

I think it is best to start with from the ground up with one:

Shoes: Some sort of Doc Martin/vampire hunting/end of the world apocalypse army boot that went up to her knees. Cuz really…when it is that warm out, the FIRST thing I go for is my knee high army boots…don’t you?

Legs: The part of her legs that were not shaded by the vampire boots had some sort of tights/legging combo, but they were almost shear with some sort of dots on them. Making her look like she had the worlds nastiest case of the pox. SEXY!

More legs: Booty shorts. That is all I have to say on that.

Top: SPARKLY TUBE TOP. I would like to take this moment to add that that this was not a small girl. AT. ALL. So the top (and I still have no clue how the hell it was staying up) look like some sort of grotesque mating trout thing. YUCK.

It was just whole levels of wrong, but seeing as that was just day one of the nice weather…I am sure that I am going to be seeing a whole lot more of this kind of thing. Hmmm….maybe I too need a sparkly tube top? Or…not.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Online dating = HELL

I am not sure how online dating is affecting the self esteem of the single these days, but it can’t be good.

As you all may know, I did a brief tour of hell, or as you may call it, online dating. It sucked. And I am over it…way over it, but for some unknown reason, I keep getting emails from the stupid dating site that I was a part of. It could be my fault. I will fully admit to that. I went on to the site and cancelled my membership and I thought that would be the end of it. Hmmm….not so much. It would seem that my profile is still on there and for the life of me I cannot remember my password so that I can go on there and delete all traces of myself. I will add that to my ever growing list of “to do’s” for this weekend…someone remind me if I forget.

Anyway. So every few days I get some email from the site “HE CHOSE YOU!” “YOU PROFILE IS GETTING A LOT OF ATTENTION!” or my personal fave “MR. RIGHT HAS CONTACTED YOU!” What is one to do with those sorts of emails? Do I prance around the house doing my wiggly butt happy dance, secure in the knowledge that I soooo rock and that Mr. Right has found me? Um…no. I think not as that would be letting this whole stupid thing go to my head. In fact, it got me to thinking …does the website send you an email every few day in case no one is looking? Does it say something like “DON’T WORRY….MR. RIGHT IS JUST NOT LOGGED ON AT THE MOMENT” or “TRY CHANGING YOUR PROFILE…HERE DO THIS!” or “HEY, YOU WILL FIND A MAN THAT LOVES CATS!” I am really not sure, but I am worried by this. What is this sort of thing doing to the self esteem of those who may not get many hits on a dating website???

And ok…you all know me…I am not all that hot and it is not like men are beating down my door to woo me (as I am tragically single), but I did make sure to put up a somewhat cute-ish photo and make sure to sound like a total goof ball in by bio. Well…because I am a good ball and really, sitting there and talking about how great I am just seemed silly!

Either way….online dating is like the 10 level of hell and I do not wish it upon my worst enemy…even if you are hold a cat in your profile photo!