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Monday, July 16, 2012

Holiday Roooaaaddd....

A road trip is equal parts magic and horror.

Lets talk about the horror part first….cuz that’s just more fun! 

There are any number of things that can go wrong on a road trip.  Have you seen any of the National Lampoons Vacation Movies?  At what other point in one’s life do you run the risk of having to drive down the road with a dead granny strapped to the roof of your car?  Pretty much just on a road trip…or unless that is just how your family transports the dead…I don’t judge.

The car could break down.
Someone could get sick.
Bad weather.
Crappy destinations.
Crappier company.

Lets face it….being stuck in a small moving box with someone can be torture.  Like you envision what it would be like to just open the door and take your chances with rolling out of a moving car just to get away from the other person sort of torture.

I am sure that many marriages and friendships have ended after a bad road trip.

Now for the magic part….

If you are lucky enough to not toss yourself out a moving vehicle AND not kill your travel partner with a spork….it can be a pretty awesome way to see new things and explore areas that you might not ever get a chance to see. 

On a recent trip I got to see The Redwood Forest, breathtaking views of the CA coast, see a giant Paul Bunyan, stay in a hotel that I am pretty sure was used to house a meth lab and buy cheesy crap.

Pretty fantastic. 

AND….as far as I can tell….my travel partner did not once try and toss himself from the car…EVEN BETTER!

I think I have a soft spot in my heart for Paul, Babe the Blue Ox…..and my travel partner.  Much love to all three of you.  

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Need an idea....

I have not been blogging much these days.  I am guessing that is due to the fact that I have nothing AT ALL going on in my life that is worth writing about.  I started off doing this so I could write about being Grace and that adventure, but since I am no longer doing that, blogging about it just seemed wrong.  I could write about my upcoming move, but then I would have to follow that up with being drunk and a drunk written blog is just all that much fun.  But totally a good idea for a web thing (Jenna Marble style, but without the rat dogs at the end...oh and remind me to come back to her at some other time).

So while cleaning the shower last night after a healthy dose of NyQuil (the shower was dirty and I have a freaking head don't judge me!) I was trying to think of new topics to write about.  The usual list came to me; burgers, kids, dating...blah blah blah....


I would start writing about and posting photos of random creeper vans that I see around town!  SURE TO BE THE BEST BLOG OF ALL TIME!  Because we all know how I feel about the creeper van and how it is top on my list of things that should not still be around in 2012  (see some past blog post about this topic that I am too lazy to go and hunt down at the moment, but I am sure will change your life if you read it...ok....maybe not, but read it anyway).

As I was standing in my shower waiting for the scrubbing bubbles to magically clean my grout... I started to have second thoughts about this topic.

Do I really want to be  that close to a creeper van?
Photos might be an issue as I am either alone or with the kids.
Creeper vans seemed to have a close relationship with clowns.  I am not ready to go down the clown road.

CRAP.  This idea might have to go on the 'maybe' list for blogs.

Hmmm.....oh well.   I will give this some more thought and come up with something.  Something that will involve me touring around the city in search of random weird things... ( I am guessing that I will come up with this brilliant idea while drinking...just saying)    

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Grumpy Dwarf

It’s early.  It’s raining.  I never went to sleep.

I am grumpy.  So in honor of this foul mood I am sporting…a blog post about things that annoy the hell out of me *Cuz it’s my blog and I can do that.

When people say “Totes” instead of the full word, totally.  WTF? What f’ing Gossip Girl character started this?  Are we now so lazy as a society that we can’t be bothered with the whole word?  Are we now just going to shorten everything to one syllable?  Yup, we totes are…. 

People in line at Starbucks who ask questions about everything on the menu. Um….dude, it’s Starbucks…we go here because, no matter what, no matter where you are in the world…PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING IS ON THE MENU.  It’s still dark out, there is a line forming behind you and none of us have had our coffee yet!  In my head, all I can here is “Move bitch. Get out the way” In my best Luda voice.  GRRRRR 

People who do not say thank you.  YOU JUST SUCK. 

Most of the people that are currently left on American Idol.  Not sure why….but I just want most them to just go away.  Yes, you can sing.  But listening to you talk or watching you perform makes me want to claw my own eyes out. 

Ok….I think that is all for now.  And I feel better for getting that out of my system.  I can now go on about my day….I am even going to smile.  I totes am.  

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Can you draw a Tuuuuuuuurrrrdddle?

The boys had a day off from school a few weeks back, so after breakfast we hit up one of our favorite stores, Lippman's Party Co.  It is pretty much the most wonderful store in all the land.  ALL.THE.LAND!

We spent about two hours dressing up in costumes.  Trying on wigs.  And just being dorks (it's our family trait).  While we were doing all this, we started to come up with a comic book idea.  The subject matter of this comic book questionable.  And once again I am worried about my parenting skills.  Not only did I encourage the creation of this comic, I probably added to it WAY more then either of the boys.

The Adventures of Butt Man!!!

Pretty much he is a super hero....with some gastro intestinal issues (he can't help it...and everybody poops!).  He has a trusty side kick, The Paralyzing Plunger.  Due to Butt Man's tummy issues, this is a good side kick!

(here is the part that I added, and I am sure makes me a horrible mom)

They have pets!
A Shiiiiiiiiiiitttttttzu
A Tuuuuuurrrrdddddle

Of course every good super hero team has to battle some bad guys...

The Terrorizing Toilet (who lives in the Forrest of Farts)
The TP Bandit

It's a work in process...

*I am sure I should go make them read the Bible now or something to offset my my lack of good parenting.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Grace was here this weekend. I hope you did not miss her!

A funny thing happens when you look out into a crowd of people and say, “Fuck it…I am going to have fun!”

That is what happened to me on Sunday.
In the weeks leading up to the show last weekend, I was scared to death.  Not only had I not been on a stage since June, but I was debuting two new acts.  So the potential for EPIC FAIL was high.  Add to that the fact that I have been pretty depressed, so I have been eating poorly and being lazy…so my body was not really in prime sexy shape.  And as always, that little issue of stage fright….so yeah, I was a wreck anytime I would think about the upcoming show.
Pasties were rhinestoned.
Jameson bottles were spray glittered.
Acts had been practiced around my house.
The fight with the false eyelashes had been won (somewhat). 

It was time! 

I got to the venue early (as I do) and was killing some time at the bar waiting on my Redbull when I noticed people coming in.  People that I knew.  Non burly people.  People who were there….to see me! 

Now, I am not sure how other people who are performers deal with the audience or if they want people they know there or not, but for me…I LOVE IT!  If I am going to do something, even if it is something that could require me making a fool of myself, I always do a better job at it if ‘my people’ are there to see me do it….and to potentially tease me for it when I am done.  So…I said hello to the people that had showed up early and went down to the basement to finish getting ready.

As I was standing in the back of the venue, watching the first performer, I started to look around the room.  The place was packed…and more of my friends had made it down.  Looking at everyone, in that moment, my nerves were gone.  Why? 
Because my friends were there.
These people had left the comfort of their warm house on a Sunday evening, braved the rain, traveled downtown, paid the cover at the door, got a drink….and settled in to see a show…all because I had asked them to.  In support of me, and knowing how important this night was for me….they were there.
I also knew that half of these people have seen me make a fool out of myself a million times before, so doing it on stage was not going to be an issue!
My first act was not perfect…I know this.  I know that I need to hit some marks a bit better and use the stage more, but for the most part, I think that it was pretty good.  I do wish I would have thought ahead to plant a camera in the audience with a friend so that it could have been taped, so that I could really see what I looked like, but oh well!  I had fun with it…and I like how that felt.
I don’t know if it was the vibe of the night or the fact that I was wearing flannel jammies during the intermission of the show, but something else hit me….if I am going to do this burlesque thing ever again…I am going to stay true to myself and be goofy and funny and not try to be the classic sexy type of performer.  That is just not me and I think that I was thinking that I needed to play up this sexy side on stage…and that was stressing me out! 
So when my turn to get up on stage came around again, this time, there was no fear, nerves or stage fright.  Again, was it perfect…no.  Far from it!  I still have many more stages to get on and strut around before I will be any good at this….but the act was fun.  I had fun.  The audience had fun.  And when I left the stage, with pretty much nothing more than pasties and my Jameson bottle, I was not shaking.  I did not feel like I wanted to barf.  I had a smile on my face and for the first time in a long time…..I was proud of myself.  Truly and honestly proud of something that I had created.  That is a great feeling.
Thank you to everyone that came out Sunday night.  Just by you being there, you gave me the courage and the strength to get up on that stage and have fun and I owe you more then I could ever put into words on this blog.
And to the other performers who I had the honor to be on stage with, you continue to inspire me and welcome me. You are truly turning into my burly family.

Oh…and Zora.  It was your voice in my head telling me I could do it as I sat gluing rhinestones night after night.  And your hugs I felt when I got frustrated working out the routine and tripping over my own two clumsy feet.  You continue to push me.  You constantly encourage me.  And above all else, have faith in me when I have none in myself.  How do I ever thank you for that??? 

 Oh….and sorry for the heckler!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Smokey and the Snot Bandit.

Let me just start by saying that I am not the type of female that flirts to get what she wants.  I wish that I had this skill and I am in awe of my female friends that can do this and can do it well.  Props to you ladies!  I try and bat my eyelashes and look cute and it ends up looking like I have lost a contact or a neurological defect.  Mmmhmmm…

So since I am not what you would call a flirter by nature, as you can guess, I am not the type to try and flirt my way out of a ticket.  On the few occasions that I have been pulled over, I am sure that I am going to jail for life….even for a speeding ticket.  I can’t help it.  My mind just jumps about 100 steps ahead and I always assume the worst.  Do most people go to jail for going 65 on the freeway?  I am guessing no, but with my luck, you never know.  That being said, as you can guess, I am not smooth flirty girl in time of traffic cop interaction.  In most cases I am scared to death, face bright red, can’t find my insurance because I am shaking girl.  Oh…lets add the batting of the eyelashes now/possible having a seizer look…think it will work?
Now that you have that mental image going, let me paint the picture of what happened this morning on my way to work….
I am going to start by saying…it was not my best morning.  I got no sleep at all for the second night in a row, so I started off the day on the wrong foot.  I have been super stressed about a bunch of crap going on in my life, feeling lonely, fence blew over last night and just a bunch of basic pity party issues that left me feeling like crap this morning. Add to that some stupid song that came on the radio and…I lost my shit.
Tears. Lots of tears.   And not happy little you just saw a new baby being born and life is sweet tears…OH NO…TEARS.  Face blotchy, nose that could lead Santa’s sleigh, eyes swollen, snot dripping down your nose kind of tears.  The only way to describe me this morning?  HOT MESS….and those words would be kind!
With that pretty mental image of lil old me in your head, now picture what  I would look like with all that AND getting pulled over running a red light (not on purpose….but as I have covered….not my best morning!).  Lets face it….there were meth heads on the corner that looked better than I did at that moment. UGH. Hey officer, how you doing? Sniff. Wipes snot off on coat…
The good part of this story is that the officer was nice enough to not give me a ticket (who says Portland cops only shoot people?)  but I am pretty sure that was only due to the fact that I looked like a pathetic mess.  And the site of my snot was probable grossing him out.  He did make me promise that for the rest of my commute that I would not cry. YES SIR! Sniffle. More snot.
I managed to make it into work this morning without anything else happening….and for keeping my snot output to a minimum. 

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

No need to call 911...I am just dancing!

In a sleep deprived impulsive moment, I signed up to take my first ever dance class.  And since I have a way of never easing into something, I picked a hip hop dance class.  I am guessing that I should have started with something a bit….slower, but too late to change that now.
I am not what one would call a dancer (as I have stated in many blog posts) and I am a bit….challenged when it comes to steps and moving multiple body parts and trying to remember those steps in any order that would resemble a routine.  My brain just does not work that way.  My body violently rejects new movement.  Hell, you have seen the photos….walking is hard enough for me!
But it has been a long time since I have tried something new and even longer since I have worked out and been active, so this seemed like a good idea….at the time.  Now, hmmm….not so much.
In my head I am channeling my inner Jabbawockeez or J Lo, from her Fly Girl days.  But in my heart I know that I will end up looking like Elaine from Seinfeld have a seizure as this is my go to dance mode.

Maybe if I wear the mask, no one will know it is me?

Monday, January 9, 2012

It's you know where your friends with benefits is?

I do....she is at home, pissed off at you...

This blog posting is from an actual phone call that I was a part of last night.  I told my friend that I was “so putting this in my blog” and he laughed and said he was ok with it…as long as I kept his name out of it.  Well, duh! 
All names have been left out to protect the stupid.
Me – It is 1:30 in the morning, if you are calling me, someone had better be dead.  It’s 4:30 your time..OH GOD…IS SOMEONE DEAD?
Stupid – Shut up.  I know you are up.  You never sleep.  I think I messed things up with a friend of mine and I need your opinion.
Me – Who did you sleep with and why can’t you call me about this at a normal time?
Stupid – How did you know I slept with someone?  But yeah, I think I messed up because now she wont talk to me.
Me – Ok. Hit me.  What did you do?
Stupid -  Well, it’s that friend of mine A___, I have told you about her.  We have been friends for years and sometimes hook up. That was a couple of weeks ago.  I got busy.  Ended up going out of town and have not spoken to her.  I called her this weekend and she was short with me.  I think she is mad.
Me -  UGH.  You woke me up for this?  OK…so, you hooked up with her and then did not talk to her for a couple of weeks?  Do I have the facts straight here?
Stupid – Yes
Me – I love you, but you are a dumb ass.  She’s pissed because you slept with her and did not talk to her for weeks.  How did you graduate college?
Stupid – No. It’s not like that.  We have been hooking up on and off for years. She’s totally cool.
Me – She’s a female, correct?  And you are not filming the sequel to any Justin Timberlake film, correct?
Stupid – Huh?
Me – Oh yeah…all females just love it when you sleep with them and then go MIA for weeks.  THEY LOVE THAT.  Seriously….how stupid are you?
Stupid – So, I should have at least sent a txt, huh?
Me – Gee….ya think?
I have said this before….while I do not think that friends with benefits ever really works out that well, it will not work out at all if you leave the friend part out of it after you hook up.  And I do not care who you are…no one likes to feel used.  So take a second and send a quick text  saying hi…anything!  And for the love of god, do not call me at 1:30 in the morning with your undies in a wad because you think you messed up….this girl needs her sleep!
** know who you are....and I still love you!

Friday, January 6, 2012

That pirate made me cry!

There is always this weird parent/child moment when the child figures out that you, as the parent, might just know what you are talking about.
I will admit, that since I have boys, we don’t have a lot of those moments.  I am sure that they have them with their dad as he coaches all of their sports teams and can bond with them over dude stuff.  Stuff like peeing standing up and how to whittle with a swiss army knife.  Things that would just make me messy…and most likely end up in the ER with the tip if my finger missing.
A month or so back, Kellen wanted to try out for the elementary school acting program. OH HOT DAMN…A NON SPORTING ACTIVITY!  I was all over that one!  This was something that I could do!
Truth?  I have only ever acted once, in high school and it was maybe three lines and I have no memory of if I was any good or not.  But, all stage fright aside, I have a bit of a flare for drama and at the very least could teach Kellen to not look at his feet while on stage, annunciate his words so that the audience could hear him…and I might be able to help out with the costumes (Yes, I swear to not cover him in glitter or rhinestone his pirate eye patch).
So after Kellen got into the program, he told me it was going to be a musical.  A PIRATE MUSICAL!  Um, yeah…I had to take a moment to calm my excitement!
Here are some things you should know about me…
            I wanted to be an elementary school music teacher. I love watching little kids sing.
            I grew up singing…non stop.  It was pretty much the only thing I liked to do all through
            I always had a secret dream of being on Broadway.  I HEART MUSICALS!
            We sing…ALL THE TIME at my house.  If I can figure out a way to make some random
            activity  musical, I will.  From singing the Dr. Seuss books to making up random songs while
           we  clean the house.   
At one time, I could sing…a little.  A few bouts of laryngitis and a great fear of ANYONE
 other then my kids hearing me sing has changed that.
If you have heard me karaoke, you know this…and again, I am sorry for making you suffer
through that.

 Anyway, I know a little about singing and while I have not done it in anyway that would be considered good in over a decade, I still remember the scales that breathing techniques.  And since Kellen was worried about being able to hold a rather long note in one of the songs, I started working with him on how to breath.  At the time, he just tolerated me.      

Last night he came home and could not wait to tell me what they had done that afternoon in his drama class.
“MOM!  We worked on breathing….just like you showed me and I already knew how to do it
and I could sing the notes.  It was just like what we worked on at home!  How did you know
what to do?”
“I told you that I had been in choir when I was younger.  You have to learn what notes to sing
and how to hold them.”
“Well, I know you told me that, but I thought it was just more of your…mom stuff.  I did not
know that the teacher would teach us the same thing!”  

I doubt that he will start to listen to me daily or believe everything I tell him to do (still working on a good story to make him be nice to his brother) but that one little moment last night was a nice start.

He even agreed to sing me the first song from the musical and yes, when he was done I had to sneak away to the bathroom as to not let him see me cry…cuz it was just about the sweetest little song that I had ever heard…about a pirate.