I started out the day with the best intentions of being productive today and really wanted to follow through with that game plan, but seeing as it is now the middle of the day and I am still surrounded by files, I might as well just admit defeat and toss in the old white towel. It is just not happening today.
Maybe it is because I forgot to take my ADD meds this morning. And really, they need like a patch or a pill bottle with a bell or something. I HAVE ADD…I WILL FORGET CRAP…LIKE TAKING THE MEDS! Anyway, my mind will just stay focused on anything that it truly needs to be thinking about today. It has pretty much just told me F-off…I am doing my own thang, lady!
My brain seems to be focused on the conversation that I had with someone last night. Not an easy one, but not one that would bring about any new hurt or anything. Just bringing into the light the rough edges of scars that I do my best to keep hidden.
After it was all said and done (and I was having a drink to keep from shaking) I started to think about why I even bothered to open up and tell this person anything. We are not dating. We are not all that close of friends. I am not sure where the friendship will even go or if it will be there for any amount of time. I also did not set out with a plan of talking about anything from my past (or I would have been drunk before I went to dinner). And sitting here thinking about it now, I still feel numbed by the conversation.
It’s odd the sides that we all have and what we show to the world and when we chose to show the many faces that we all have. I can be many roles to many people. I bend and mold to be what is needed from those around me. I give off the impression that I am always goofy and giggly and the girl cracking jokes. I will take care of anyone that needs it. I will always try and make someone laugh. I will always offer a hug. I am all of those many faces, but at the heart of it, I am also deeply flawed.
I have cuts in my personality that will never fully close. No stitch can bind it back together. No amount of medicine will ever make the small amount of pain that is left in that wound go away. It is just a part of me. That injury to my soul also keeps me wounded in a way. My handicap not being a limp but the need to wall myself into a fortress of my own making. The walls that I build, to me, keep me safe.
But these walls also keep me more wounded then the initial hurt ever could. The barriers that I set up around me, at times, keep me from letting other people into my life and to get to know the real me, flaws and all.
I am working on that. Doing my best to bring down the walls in a manner that does not leave excess scars or bruises. It’s slow. I am not a skilled Maison and I am learning as I go. From time to time, I have to add a block here and there, but I am working on it.
Not that any of this matters to anyone but me, but I just wanted to say that I am doing my best to let you in…whoever you may be. And when the wall comes down and you see the marks and scars that were left so long ago, please see past that and try and see all of me because I can’t hide them I can only bring them into the light and know that they made me who I am.