I am the victim of a home invasion. I feel violated and afraid to sleep alone at night (no that is not a call for you men to come sleep with me).
*****I have a rodent of some sort that has decided to take up residency in my home*****
From the sounds of it—it is a beaver or a baby sasquatch…I am not sure yet as I have not made eye contact with the furry little unwanted squatter.
After a long day at work and a drink out with a friend, I got home late. I had to be at work at 5am this morning, so all I wanted to do was get in bed and crash. Then I heard some odd sounds. I thought at first that it was outside. Nope. Like a horror movie, the sound was IN MY HOUSE ***start scary music here***
I thought that maybe it was just in the attic and could not get to me there, but then the sound started moving around the house and I could hear baby sasquatch chewing on things. OH HELL NO!
So I did what any 34 year old women would do at 3am….grabbed an orange T-ball bat and when looking for the thing! In my pink jammies, I tiptoed around the house. Not sure why as I had no clue of what the hell I was going to do with the thing if I found it. Club it to death? First off…it was a T-ball bat! I would have to get way too close for my comfort to attach the thing with that. And second….what it if went all crazy on my ass and just like the squirrel in Christmas Vacation, attached it’s self to me? What the fuck would I do then???
Um yeah…I will tell you what I would do. Run my pink jammied wearing self screaming like a banshee out in the middle of the street as if my house was on fire. Scream some more. Assume that I was going to die of rabies and probably have to move. Just saying.
At some point I fell asleep. All the lights on. Sitting up in my bed keeping watch. I did hear the thing this morning. It sounded like it was in the fireplace, but after only two hours sleep and needing to get to work…I did not have the energy to grab my bat and play piñata with whatever it was.
I am thinking tonight that I will dress in all black and go ninja on his ass. Maybe. But I doubt it. I have an image in my head of it jumping out at me. Attaching to my head and face and me running out in the front yard looking like a fucked up Davy Crockett. OH SURE--YOU LAUGH NOW, BUT YOU KNOW THIS WOULD HAPPEN TO ME!