Never piss off a girl that likes to wear costumes...

Let me start by saying that I am not an angry person or vengeful.  I try my best to be nice and I honestly feel bad if I hurt someone and I go about fixing whatever it was that I did immediately.

All that being said, I have been giving a lot of thought to revenge over the past few days.  Pretty sure it is due to the fact that I was stuck at home in bed sick and watched a marathon of Revenge and the Soprano's...two shows that go great with a cold med high.

After watching Revenge, my main thought was, DANG....that is a whole lot of work!  I am not really willing to commit the time that it would take to plan that sorta thing.  And honestly, I am just too dang impatient.  I get antsy with the amount of time it takes to microwave my hot pocket.  Pretty sure a multi-year revenge plan would drive me insane.  Oh...and I'm lazy.  That girl on that show puts in some work. She has mad ninja skills.  No thank you.

I am guessing that my revenge needs would be better suited with a Soprano's, break your knee caps sort of plan.  They got shit done and none of them were in really all that great of shape.  And it was instant!  No years of planning or learning how to be a ninja required.  OH....and they got to be vengeful while wearing valour track suits. SIGN ME THE HELL UP!

Ok...I kid.  I would never be able to go the horse head in your bed type of revenge either.  Knowing me, I would feel guilty for even thinking about it and send flowers. Yeah...I am really not the valour track suited bad ass that my DayQuill alter ego would like you to believe.

Here is the type of revenge that I would think of...(I have been playing around with this one for a while, so some of you might had heard this one already...)

CRAZY CLOWN REVENGE!

List of items that you will need:

4-6 Cars To Go
10-12 friends (depending on how many Cars To Go you get)
Clown costumes
Old doll heads (popping tags at the Goodwill?  Pick up a few dolls)


Originally I was thinking Halloween, but this plan could work anytime.

Plan prep:
Set up the Car To Go rental - I actually ran this plan by some Car To Go people, they have assured me that you can, maybe, put 4-5 people in one, but they could not account for the large clown shoes. 
Collect the Doll heads-  I am guessing that you will have to remove the heads from the bodies.  Or maybe you can just buy the heads?  I really am not sure on this one, and buying doll heads just seems creepy, so I am going with the full doll action plan.
Dress you and your fellow revenge clowns - We are talking full clown gear.  Face painted white, the red nose and the colorful afro clown wig. ALL OF IT!

The plan:
Place the proper amount of clowns into each car.  Make sure that each clown has a sack full of doll heads.  Drive in a line to the house of the person that you are wanting to feel the wrath of your clown revenge.
*This driving all together part in important.  On the way to your destination, play up the full clown thing.  Wave to those driving by.  Make someone laugh as you are stopped for a red light.  Just because the night is built on acts of revenge does not mean that you can't spread joy as well!
Pull up in front of the house of the one who done you wrong. Single file. 4-6 Cars To Go parked on the street in front of the house.
Have all the crazy gang of clowns calmly get out of the cars and walk over to the front lawn of the house and dump the doll heads all over the place.
Calmly get back in the little tiny cars and drive away

I think that this plan would work best if the person was home.  Yes, you run the risk of getting caught, but you are in your clown gear, so it would be really hard to identify you!  And do you honestly think the person would call the cops?
911: What's you emergency?
Douche bag: Um, 6 clowns just showed up on my lawn and left what appears to be doll heads.
911: Sir, have you been drinking?

As you drive off to spend the night enjoying a nice Shirley temple with your jolly band of clowns, the DB is left to wonder --what the hell just happened?!?  And even my personal fave-- what one of the many people that I have screwed over took the time to do this? 

Ok, so this may not fall under the true category of revenge.  Maybe more of a prank?  All I know is, unless I can figure out a way to be a valour track suit wearing ninja, the TV show types of revenge are never going to work out for me and necessity being the mother of invention and all... 







 

You might want to avoid me if it's raining...

Look at me..posting twice in one day! (I actually thought I had posted this one last week, but guess I forgot to hit publish, so I promise this double posting is not the norm)

Since I just started playing around with my blog again, I thought it would be a hoot to go back and look over some old posts.  I found a post from just over a year ago that listed the awesome kick ass stuff I was going to do in 2012.

Um. No. (insert Grumpy Cat face)

Before I re-post the ghost of blogging past, let me go over a few things that DID happen in 2012...and lets hope they do not repeat in 2013 or, as I have said many times before, I'm gonna shank a bitch.

1- Unexpected, unwanted and uncool change in residencies from a house to a town house.
Moving Sucks

2- Car accident (not my fault, and no one was hurt) that lead to my car being totalled.
Car Shopping Sucks

3- Unplanned surgery (I am ok) that left me in a dazed out state of recovery for longer then I thought it would and feeling a bit like the dude from the Shinning, but without snow.
Surgery Sucks

4- Had my heart broken by someone that I have been crazy about for a very long time.
He Sucks

There you have it...the NOT TO DO LIST OF 2013!!!

Ok, so lets tackle the list of wonderfulness that was going to be 2012

December 30, 2011

It’s the end of 2011 and the time when everyone starts making resolutions for the new year. I just can’t do this.

Look, I know that I need to drop 20 pounds, but there is just no way that I am going to get this done in the month of January. For one, I am lazy and two, I have no willpower. So this resolution is just filled with too much pressure. NO.THANK.YOU.

That being said…there is a few things that I would like to add to my 2012 TO DO LIST (yes, I am going to add that list here…duh)

Go to Disneyland

I am 35 and have never been. I think it is time.

**Nope.  I did not make it to Disneyland.  I did take a road trip down to the Redwood Forest and had a great time.  So for this one, we will say I half way did it....at least I was in the same state as Disneyland.  That counts for something!

Learn to golf

This one might be dangerous as I have no skill, aim or any depth perception. Maybe I should re think this one to just…drive the golf cart?
**Nope. And now that I think about this one...it's for the best.  I really do not need to be around other people hitting a ball in all sorts of random directions while hold what very well could end up being a weapon.  I am good with leaving this one as is.

Sky dive

I hate heights, this seems a good way to get over that.

**Nope. But this one is being re added to the 2013 list and I am going to do this for my birthday this year (hint - it's in July if you want to come with me).

Play some sort of team sport

This might shock you since I seem so sporty and all, but I have never played any sort of team sport.

**YES!  This one I actually did! I started playing soccer this last year.  I suck.  I am sure they want me to never actually show up to any of the games, but I am officially on a team.  I even have my first jersey with my favorite number on the back and everything (8...in case you were wondering).

Perform as Grace at least one last time

I have spent a lot of money on rhinestones to not do it one last time

**YES!  In Feb 2012, I got the chance to perform as Grace one last time.  I showed up with not one, but two new acts. An act all about a cheating Mickey Mouse and a second act all about my one true love, Jameson. Ahhh....what a great night that was!

 

Experience an amazing kiss in the rain

Yeah, random, but it’s my list, so I get to add whatever I want.

**Nope.  And this one was probably the easiest to accomplish and the one that I wanted the most.  But since I spent most of 2012 being crazy about a man who was not romantic or spontaneous and for the most part hated kissing in general (PSA for the ladies-never date a man who does not like to kiss.  It's ok if he is a bad kisser, you can fix that. You can't fix a non kisser. Nothing is better then a great kiss!)....there was no way I was getting that amazing kiss in the rain.

So, in true hopeless romantic fashion, I am keeping this one on the list for 2013 and I am going to keep it on the list every year until it happens. And if it does happen?  I am keeping it on the list anyway.  Everyone should have at least one amazing kiss in the rain at least once a year.  More if you are lucky, but I don't want anyone reading this to think I am greedy!

 

 

Ok 2013, I have my rain boots and chapstick ready.  You had better bring it! :)

Cowboy Boots, Thrift Shop, Cooper and PBR

The Heist is Cooper's new favorite CD.  NO JOKE.  It started off with him loving Thrift Shop so much that he went on YouTube and looked up his other videos.  He also loves And We Danced, and let me tell you how funny it is to hear him sing it (complete with 1980's British accent).

I had a random Sat that was just Cooper and I, and it involved a lot of driving, so I grabbed this CD  (Yeah, I am old school like that...and I have no idea how to make my phone play in my new car) and we headed out on an adventure....and played this ALL DAY LONG. (I am not gonna lie, we had fun!)
Ok, so this might not be the best music to play for an 8 year old boy.  That fact is not lost on me.  I know there are some bad words and some topics that he might not get, but I have always told him that if there is something that he does not understand, to ask and the bad words are fine in a song....just don't go singing it at school or while at church with Grandma!
His top songs from the CD are as follows -
Thrift Shop
White Walls
Same Love
*he also likes a few that he found on YouTube, but are not on The Heist, so he has requested that I get those on a "mix" for him ASAP.  How can a mom say no to that?

So, this was Sat...ALL DAY in the car with this CD. (Yes, there was a lot of car dancing. Duh!)

Skip ahead to Sunday.  I was in the living room doing something with Kel and Coop was in the kitchen.  He starts singing this song, but just the part, "Time goes slow when you're drinking PBR!"  Maybe it was the fact that he was really feeling it or he followed up his singing by saying to me, "Man, I need to drink some PBR.  That way the weekend would go slower"...I lost it!  I was laughing so hard, that I had tears rolling down my cheeks.  Once I was able to talk again, I told him that PBR was beer and that he might not want to say to to anyone else.

So once again, I am here thinking about my parenting choices and thinking that some of them might not be totally conventional, but as long as my kids are good, smart, respectful and funny....I don't think that I am going to worry about it too much.  But I do promise to keep the PBR away from Cooper!

**I have also done my time with the Wiggles, Raffi, Laurie Burkner and every other type of kid music.  I have not always been a bad mom!

Flaskworthy

I have been thinking about a list of activities that I have come to call, Flaskworthy.
Ya know, like Elaine and her men that she deemed 'Spongeworthy', but my list does not include men, although there are some men that I can only be around if I am drinking, but I am trying to keep this blog (ok, this post) nice.

Flaskworthy activities -

Bathing Suit Shopping:  Ok, this one should be done with a w hole bottle of whatever makes you happy, but since we don't want anyone to think we have a 'problem', a flask is a better option. During this dreaded activity, when one is feeling fat or or if they look like hell, take a swig of that there flask.  You try on enough suits, and take enough sips, that you are bound to find the perfect suit....or that nice buzz you have will at least make you not care that you have a bit of junk in the trunk.

OB/GYN Appointments: Well, maybe not if you are going in for the OB part of OB/GYN, but for the GYN part...HELL YA!  Look, if I have to sit on the edge of that table while wearing a half shirt of paper towels in a cold room, waiting on the MD, I might as well take a small sip from my magical flask. If nothing else it will keep the chill away while I wait and might take some of the sting away when the MD asks me if I am seeing anyone new, followed by the sad look she gives me when I say no.

Costco - Day Before ANY Holiday: I would like to work out a deal with Costco on this one.  Maybe a flask with their logo on it?  Hey, I'm not proud!  If I am stuck walking around a store that is so packed it feels like a bus in Calcutta, I'll walk around with a Costco flask. 

DMV: Take a number and take a sip.  I think you could make a drinking game with this one based on how long you are stuck in the purgatory that is DMV.  For instance, every time you see someone skip the line and walk to the front and get shot down and told to take a number. Here's to you douche bag! Take a sip. 

Children's Parties:  If it involves a bounce house, giant rodent or bad pizza; pack the flask!


Unlike the list of men that are Spongeworthy, the list of activities that are Flaskworthy are almost endless!

So grab a pretty flask, a designated driver and have fun!

First post of 2013!

Hello, 2013!  I just know that we are going to be best friends, unless you are like your sister, 2012.  In that case, play nice, because I am ready to shank a bitch.  Just saying.


Since this is my first post of 2013 (and my first post since July) I guess I should write about all the things that I am going to change in the new year, but chances are pretty good that NONE of what I write will happen (I'm lazy. I know this) so I am just not even going to waste my time with that.

Ok...small lie.  At some point I might blog about getting into shape and I might post photos to track progress, or to give anyone who reads this something to laugh at.  I am not sure about that one yet as it would mean that I have to actually commit to working out (see statement above about being lazy).

So what has brought be out of my blogging hibernation?

Pinterest.

Last year I watched the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show while sitting on my couch in sweats eating ice cream.  I felt so beyond inadequate that it was enough to make me hate almost every tying about myself (yet not enough that I put down the ice cream.  I needed comfort!). I felt short, fat, clumsy and old.
This is a bit how Pinterest makes me feel, but without physical self loathing.  Pretty much it just makes me feel as if I suck at everything else in my life. Gee, THANKS!

It seems harmless enough.  You sit down, open up the page and start looking at all the wonderful things that other people create or the beautiful homes that they live in.  It shows photo's of amazing parties and food.  Everything you could possibly think about is on this site.

Who the fuck are these people?
Who has the time?
Where are all these amazing houses?
Why is that food not being made in my kitchen?
What the hell is mod podge?

UGH...so many questions!!!!

I am going to ponder these questions while looking at random strangers boards on weddings :)