It's cold out...a Hot Totti sounds nice

I would to proudly announce that I now officially have a derby name!  Yes my friends...A DERBY NAME!
Not that I am going to go and actually DO anything with name as I don't skate or anything, but I kinda felt like a tool adding my photo to the production part of the RCR website and just listing 'Tamara' when everyone else had super awesome names.  It was bad enough that I don't have some total kick ass skater type of photo :hangsheadinshameandtotalsuckage:

Last night at the meeting, I mentioned that I did not have a cool name (yes, please feel sorry for me...derby is rough!) and that it was hard to pick a cool one as I had worlds of trouble when I was trying to find a burlesque name.  Yes...I know...I keep coming back to the burlesque these days and I am thinking that it is a sign that I need to bring that dream back into my world.  Anyhow, I mentioned this, and told them my burlesque name - Hot Totti (Totti VonHoople if you want to all formal and stuff).
The room was in agreement that I should use it...so....

I PROUDLY ANNOUNCE THE RE-BIRTH OF HOT TOTTI--She is good people.  I think that you all will adore her!    

I can't work...my horoscope told me not to

This was my horoscope today by Mr. Levine-who I have come to hate with a passion and also wonder if he has my house bugged due to the fact that most of the time he is pretty spot on.  So much so that it causes great joy on the end of my best friend, Stattler, as she giggles at me from the East Coast.  Thanks for laughing at my pain-heifer!

Cancer



By Rick Levine


Giving yourself enough time to daydream today can open windows of possibilities for growth you didn't realize was possible. You might even think about enrolling in a new course of study with the imaginative Pisces Moon traveling through your 9th House of Big Ideas. If you have been longing to go on a trip, this is the right time to entertain your wanderlust. Push back your horizons and follow your inclination for something new.

So here is my issue with this daily bit of crap from the stars-I already daydream more then any normal person should.  TRUST ME.  My head is so often in the clouds that trying to focus can be an issue.  I am sure that I could put some of this random daydreaming to good use.  I could write a screenplay all about the sappy John Hughes inspired crap that runs through my brain.  I could develop a whole new Tamara.  One who has super hero like skills...and can also hold her own in a stomp competition (stop laughing-I do not judge whatever it is you daydream about!).

I don't know.  The point is...wait...did I have a point?  No?  Okay, back to dreaming about true love-80's style.

Toxic-thank you Ms. Spears

Ok, not so much the song-that has a really bad way of getting stuck in my head, but toxic friends.
We all have them.  We all put up with them. I have decided to cut my free.
And it is a lot harder then I thought it would be.

You all know me and know that for the most part, I do not let new people into my life all that often, and if I do let you in..you are stuck for life.  Like it or not.  If you want me gone, you pretty much have to tell me that. 
But in this case-it was time.  This friend has not been the kind of friend to me that I need or deserve.  I am a good friend and have always been there for the people that I care about, but this person has not been able to do that for me.  And in the end, really has made me cry more then they have ever made me smile.
So, I woke up this morning and made the choice to let this person go.
I wish them all the best and will miss them and even just writing this now and thinking about it, I am in tears, but it is time.  I love you and care about you and will miss you always-     

"Do you need someone or do you need me?" Hmmm...good question, Lloyd.

Mr. Z....I will always love you

Jay Z let me down this morning. Like hard core, slap in the face kind of let down. I’m sad about this-I truly am.


Okay-fine. I don’t actually know Mr. Z (but have always secretly felt that we would be super best buds if given the chance) and my interaction with him is purely one sided as in he is my GO TO music when I need to clear my head and drive fast.

I needed that this morning. I wanted that this morning. I didn’t get that this morning.

I did my best. I loaded in The Bluprint (the first one, as I am old school like that) and turned it up and got ready to enjoy some HO VA therapy, but I got jack. Nada. Nothing.

For the first time in forever, Jay did not clear my head. I heard the tunes and the words that usually always bring me down to a rational level and I waited for the warm rush of happy that he always brings me and it never happened. In fact, it pretty much had the Michael Bolton effect on me. I was agitated and almost snarky. WTH? How can this be?

I am baffled, but I am not giving up hope. I will try it again on the way home and see what the outcome is. Please Please Please Please Please Jay…don’t let me down as I would hate to have to switch to Yani :shudder at the thought:

Just need to get this out in the world

I started out the day with the best intentions of being productive today and really wanted to follow through with that game plan, but seeing as it is now the middle of the day and I am still surrounded by files, I might as well just admit defeat and toss in the old white towel. It is just not happening today.


Maybe it is because I forgot to take my ADD meds this morning. And really, they need like a patch or a pill bottle with a bell or something. I HAVE ADD…I WILL FORGET CRAP…LIKE TAKING THE MEDS! Anyway, my mind will just stay focused on anything that it truly needs to be thinking about today. It has pretty much just told me F-off…I am doing my own thang, lady!

My brain seems to be focused on the conversation that I had with someone last night. Not an easy one, but not one that would bring about any new hurt or anything. Just bringing into the light the rough edges of scars that I do my best to keep hidden.

After it was all said and done (and I was having a drink to keep from shaking) I started to think about why I even bothered to open up and tell this person anything. We are not dating. We are not all that close of friends. I am not sure where the friendship will even go or if it will be there for any amount of time. I also did not set out with a plan of talking about anything from my past (or I would have been drunk before I went to dinner). And sitting here thinking about it now, I still feel numbed by the conversation.

It’s odd the sides that we all have and what we show to the world and when we chose to show the many faces that we all have. I can be many roles to many people. I bend and mold to be what is needed from those around me. I give off the impression that I am always goofy and giggly and the girl cracking jokes. I will take care of anyone that needs it. I will always try and make someone laugh. I will always offer a hug. I am all of those many faces, but at the heart of it, I am also deeply flawed.

I have cuts in my personality that will never fully close. No stitch can bind it back together. No amount of medicine will ever make the small amount of pain that is left in that wound go away. It is just a part of me. That injury to my soul also keeps me wounded in a way. My handicap not being a limp but the need to wall myself into a fortress of my own making. The walls that I build, to me, keep me safe.

But these walls also keep me more wounded then the initial hurt ever could. The barriers that I set up around me, at times, keep me from letting other people into my life and to get to know the real me, flaws and all.

I am working on that. Doing my best to bring down the walls in a manner that does not leave excess scars or bruises. It’s slow. I am not a skilled Maison and I am learning as I go. From time to time, I have to add a block here and there, but I am working on it.

Not that any of this matters to anyone but me, but I just wanted to say that I am doing my best to let you in…whoever you may be. And when the wall comes down and you see the marks and scars that were left so long ago, please see past that and try and see all of me because I can’t hide them I can only bring them into the light and know that they made me who I am.

Ernie Halter=Happy Tamara

I am having a slow time getting started on this Tuesday morning, following a holiday. It’s already feeling like Fall is here. The kids went back to school this morning and I woke up to rain. Yes-Oregon knows how to bring it all on at once!
My saving grace this morning? Rockstar and Ernie Halter. What? Who is this? Does Tamara have a new man in her life? :HEAVYSIGH: No, but his music is like the hug of a lover that I have known for years, and he makes me all warm and giggly.

I will admit that I do not know much about this cat and honesty, I don’t need to know much about him other then the fact that I am in love with his voice and his songs. The best way that I could describe him would be like old school Johnny Lang…like WAY back Johnny, and not the newer stuff that I really don’t care for all that much.

This will not be a long winded blog post, as I need to get some work done. But know that the smile on my face is brought to you by Mr. Halter…and his musical hug.

Check him out. His Congress Hotel CD will not disappoint.