Welcome to the jungle.

I often wonder if my kids (well, Kellen) feel like they are raising me and I am the child.

Here is why:

The other night Kellen was reading his lines for the play that he is going to be in at school at the end of the year (unlike his mom, he believes in being very prepaid for these things).  I knew he was picked to be the hippo.  I knew that he had a speaking part.

What I did not know until Tuesday was the name of the play.

Welcome to the Jungle.

TEE HEE.

So, like any other self respecting person of my age, I took this moment to sing, in my best Axel Rose voice, "Welcome to the jungle...."  Kellen was not phased by this, so I had to step up my game.

I got closer. And about an inch from his face sang, "KNEE'S KNEE'S KKKNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS."

Hey, I thought I was pretty good.

And then, with out blinking an eye, and with a total straight face he asks, "Are you done?"

Well, I guess I could have been, but that would have been silly. I told him no and, "KNNNNNNNEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!" rang throughout the house followed by, "I am done now"

Kellen rolled his eyes, and went back to reading his part.

DANG!  I tell you, that kid is 8 going on 45!   I know (and have recently dated) grown men that act more immature then this kid!

I am going to have to get an Axel wig....I think that might annoy him a bit more next time!

Put me in coach! I'm ready to play.....

I am trying to line up a meeting with the coach of Cooper's flag football team.  We have a game on Sunday and since I did not even know that I was an assistant coach until Monday, we have to get our 'game plan' together.
Um...they are in first grade.  I am thinking that the game plan consists of run and pull the flag, but I could be wrong.

Anyhow.  The coach emails me yesterday to try and line up a meeting time.
Coach "Anytime in the evenings works.  How about Wed?"
Me "Evenings work best for me.  Wed will be just fine"

Skip ahead to this morning-

Coach "This is getting complicated.  I can meet you after 10pm tonight or Thursday night"
Me "Thursday night will be fine"

I have not heard back from him yet.

But...um....WHAT?  How that email conversation complicated.  AT ALL? 

And I am sorry, but I am not going to meet you at 10pm to talk about flag football.  That's just weird.  It's like some coaching booty call. 

I sure hope this is not a sign of things to come!

Just a random music moment

I'm Not That Girl" Lyrics



Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl


Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl


Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl

That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl

There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl...


I love the musical Wicked.  I really do, but from time to time this song will randomly play on my iPod and I always seem to catch my breath.  We have all been there.  We all know what it feels like to be 'not that girl'. And even when we are not in that situation, we can remember a time when we might have been.  I am pretty sure that is what most 80's movies are based on, so it can't just be a select few of us!

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

I think that this is my favorite part of the song. You let yourself dream.  Sometimes it works and other times, you get hurt.  I guess it's all part of the game.  Guess I would rather be in the game then spend my life on the bench, so it's a risk I am willing to take.

But when you wanted so desperately to be the one that he/she fell in love with and you come to the realization that it will never happen and they are giving that love to someone else ....makes you want to not only leave the game, but refuse to be a part of it ever again.

I am not saying this is about me.  Or that I am asking for my jersey to be retired.  I just heard this song a few minutes ago, and this was the feeling that it brought up in me.  That's all. 

Grace Fall...the video

Yeah, I KNOW I posted this on Facebook yesterday, but I could not figure out how to save it in the 'my videos' section so I thought that I would post in on here as well.

I watched it last night for the first time on the computer ( I had only watched it on my Blackberry) and while it was ok...there is just so much that I need to work on,  Ya know...if I do this again :)

One of these things is not like the other...

I am feeling a bit...on the outside looking in.

I am an odd duck.  I know this.  And at the moment, I don't feel like I fit in with any one group.

I have derby, but they really have no clue of what to do with me.  And I can understand that.  I am not a skater and I don't have any friends that skate.  I just showed up, ready to volunteer once in a while and just kinda stuck around.  I can see why the roller girls look at me funny when I tell them they have to give me the money for tickets or, well, really anytime I ask them anything or have to talk to them at all.

I have the whole world of soccer moms.  Yeah, I am not even going to spend any time on that.  Lets just say, I am not your normal soccer mom.

And now I have this new world of burlesque that I truly do adore, but I don't think that I fit into that group all that well either.  I do not look like a pin up not am not covered in wonderful tattoos.  When I think of ideas for acts I am not drawn to anything rockabilly.  In fact, I would be a giggling fool if I could pull off something to RUN DMC, Slick Rick or Beastie Boys. TRUE!

I just feel at the moment like I am in a pin ball machine and going from one part of the game to another, but never really landing in one spot to find a good fit.

Not sure what to do about this at the moment.     

Now what?

I have gotten that question alot since Tuesday.  And to tell you the truth, I am not really all that sure yet.

I can tell you that I know that I have a taste for burlesque.  I don't think that I can call myself a burlesque performer...at least not yet.  I think that I need to do it more then just once to call myself that...simply out of respect for all the other ladies that do it and put so much time and love into it.

I think that I would like to do it again. 

It's odd.  You start to hear songs and think, "Hey, that would be great!  I could do XYZ....."  And then you find yourself thinking, "What the hell am I thinking???  I am never going to do this again!"  So it's a strange mix of REALLY wanting to and not being all that sure.CRAZY!

I do know that I love the local burlesque community.  I think that if I never went back up on stage again, I could be happy with just helping out at shows.  Or doing my best to promote the Rose City School of Burlesque in anyway I can.  (And YAY to my friends who signed up for the next class in April--you will love it!).

So...what's next???  I DON'T KNOW.  Truth is I am still coming down from the high of Tuesday....and still can't get all that glitter to go away!

     

Grace Fall...

As I drove into work this morning (and as I write this now) I was overcome with such emotion from that last night, that all I could do/can do was/is cry.

I have to start with thanking all my friends that made it out to the show last night.

I am still in shock that so many of my friends were there.  I know it sounds silly, but I was worried that I would not have anyone there to cheer me on.  To see so many friends there, with such encouraging words really meant the world to me and I can't thank you all enough.  It really does bring me to tears now just thinking about it.

Thank you!


The show...OH.MY.GOD!

I was scared all day.  To the point where all I could do was grin (it's an odd reaction I have to sheer terror). 
I wanted to vomit.
I wanted to cry.
I wanted to get it over with.

All that went away when I walked into the ballroom.  At that moment, when I walked through the doors, it all felt...good.  Even though we got the news that we were on the 'big' stage and really had not practiced for that, it was not all that big of a deal.

As it got closer to the show, the nerves came back.
As I was on deck waiting to go on, I was a sweaty mess.

The music from the act before me ended.  Zora made her way on stage...my name was called.

If the music had been turned down just a bit, I am sure that everyone in that room would have been able to hear my heart beating.
My legs were wobbly and all I could think was "Please don't trip and dear god, please don't let my pasties fall off!"

And then the strangest thing happened...I became Grace Fall.  Or really, much like a person with multiple personalities, she became me.  Tamara, who is always filled with so much doubt and fear was gone, and Grace took over.  And for 4min and 33 seconds, she owned that stage.

I can't really say if the performance was any good or not.  For all I know I looked like a hot mess up there shaking my ass, but that does not matter.

All that matters is that I did it.
Did I cure cancer? No.
But I did do something that I was terrified to do and for the first time in a long time, I am proud of myself....and Grace.<3