The Waldorf and Statler Summer Music Tour-moving into fall.

The start of the fall round of the WASSMT kicked off with Sara Bareilles this weekend.  While I love her and her music, the concert left me a bit..underwhelmed and bored.  Yes, bored.

Let me start off by saying that she sounds just as great in concert as she does on any of her recordings, if not better.  And in my opinion, that is the true mark of a great singer/songwriter (as anyone can sound good with help from the people mixing at the studio-even me!).  She sounded awesome.  She was cute and addressed the crowd with witty banter.  All good things.

But...I was still bored.

It was not Sara's fault, it was the crowd.  Not sure if it was the heat that we had in Portland that day or what, but the crowd was boring and lifeless and sucked all the energy right out of me.  And for me to be low energy at a show...you KNOW something is off.

As I said, she was great and played a bunch of songs off of her new CD, Kaleidoscope Heart, that was just released this month.  Come to think of it-maybe that was the problem?  With the CD just coming out two weeks before the start of her tour, maybe the crowd did not know enough of the new songs and let the vibe drop when she sang them?  Or maybe...just maybe...every once in a while- PORTLAND KINDA SUCKS!

Ok-save the hate comments or blog posts telling me how wrong I am. Please.
I have lived here my whole life and I love Portland.  I honestly do.  But from time to time I think that the 'hipsters' that pride themselves on being here and running this city also make it boring.  COME ON PEOPLE-it's a live show with great music.  Would it kill you to smile and act like you are having a good time?  Really?

So-final review of the show....I love her and will see her again and continue to download her music and play it till I am sick of it or it makes me cry (prolly the later). But the crowd-left me wanting more.  Just saying!  

Way to make me cry, lady.

Yesterday an almost complete stranger asked me why I was single.  Gee-I don't know?  Because I like to be sad an lonely?  Because I hate the human race?  Because dudes are douchbags?  Because it gives you a reason to ask me stupid fucking questions?

While most of these are true...somewhat....they are really not something I want to say to this person on the playground.  But the question did get me thinking...WHY AM I SINGLE?

I am sure that there are many issues that go into my being single, but here are just a few...

1) I want a guy that will make me laugh-haven't found that yet.
2) I want a guy that has a job...and pay taxes-haven't found that yet.
3) I want a guy that will let me be me (cuz we all know that I am GREAT!)-haven't found that yet.

But I think that the biggest issue is...ME.  I am hard to figure out.  I am not easy to read.  And I think that I need a guy who will understand that as independent as I am, I am still needy.  There are going to be times when I am going to break down and cry and all I am going to need from that guy is for him to hug me and let me do this.  I am emotionally high maintenance, but that just seems strange to tell a complete stranger when she asks "Why are you single?" 

Ugh. Depression sucks when it sneaks up on you. Time to make some changes.

EYEBALL

I have moments when I will admit to being slightly obscure and random.  I am sure that most of the time no one on this planet has any clue of what it is that I am talking about even more so when it is something that has to do with the inner ramblings of what goes on in my house.

Take for example a conversation that I had with Forrest years ago.  I don't remember what  we were talking about or what we were doing (but in the back of my head I have a feeling as if Jeopardy was involved) but I know that what ever he had spewed from him mouth was wrong.  And not just a little wrong, but BIG wrong (again, I am thinking Jeopardy as we are highly competitive when it comes to that show) causing me to look at him, and with a straight face proclaim "You are wrong!  Wrong like the Nazi's WRONG!"  I have no idea where that came from or why I said it, but we both laughed and it became a "thing" around our house when ever someone was wrong about something.  Yes, I know...to the outside world that may seem stupid, but to us, (and we still say it to each other) it was funny!

Flash forward a few years, and to Cooper.  Unlike his brother, the kid did not say a whole lot when he was younger.  There was even a brief stint with the speech therapist as a result of this, but now the kid wont shut up-so it has worked out.  But when he was little, he was more of a grunting to communicate kinda guy.  One night I was tucking him into bed, leaned down to say goodnight and told him that I loved him.  He just looked at me for a moment, pointed his finger to my eye and in a voice that was too deep for his 3 year old self said "Eyeball". That was all he said.  Turned over and went to sleep.
So in re-telling the story to Forrest, we started to use the word EYEBALL in the place of I love you.  Again-strange, but if you know me and my family-it works on so many levels!

To those of you out in the world that I adore, I say to you all "EYEBALL!"
   
     

Random-as that is how I live most of my life

This weekend was-
1-Stressful
2-Violent
3-Random

So much so that I was actually looking forward to work today and knowing that pretty much none of those three things would be going on today in the world of cubes, paperwork and doctors.  How often have you heard me say that? Um...NEVER.

This weekend did me in and I am pretty sure that I do not need one like it-EVER again.
Ok...MAYBE I am being a wee bit overly dramatic (I do that from time to time) I guess that not all of the weekend was totally bad.  I guess the good things fall under the random header.  I did get to hang out with good friends, and make new ones.  I went on a little shopping excursion with Michelle and now have a bunch of new clothes. **and by new clothes, these are clothes that super fashion diva picked out for me and that I am not sure I have the confidence to pull off, so they may just always hang in the closet, but the shopping trip was still fun.** I went to a concert, always a good time and got the chance to spend an EXTRA long amount of time with someone that I have not see in forever. Oh...and David...hope your car is not full of bullet holes...just saying!
So, in the end, the weekend was not ALL bad, but I am looking forward to a mellow week.  In fact, I am pretty sure that I am going to just spend every night at home learning to cook and watching movies. Boring-hermit Tamara is taking over....for a little while!
 
  

You never hit a girl. EVER. It does not make you a man. It makes you weak...

30 years of flowers

While at the store last night, I stopped in the floral section to get myself some flowers.  I was just looking around and I heard an elderly man behind me say something. I wasn't sure what he had said or if he was talking to me, until he repeated himself. "You should not being buying your own flowers!  No young lady should EVER buy her own flowers--EVER!"  I wasn't too sure what to say, so I smiled and told him that if I didn't buy the flowers, then I would never have them!  He smiled back at me and told me a wonderful story about how, for 30 years, every Friday he brought home flowers to he 'lovely wife'.  He said that he started this when the were courting (his words-how adorable!) and he was trying to win her over, so he would always bring her a single flower on Fridays and that tradition kept up, the whole time they were together.

How sweet is that?  Just something small and just something to make her smile and to let her know that he was thinking of her.  Yes...even just thinking about it and writing this down now is making me cry just a little.

To the 3 people that read this blog (cuz it's really not all that good!) if you have someone in your life that you cherish, let them know that you are thinking about them...trust me when I tell you that it will make them smile. Have a happy Friday!

It's cold out...a Hot Totti sounds nice

I would to proudly announce that I now officially have a derby name!  Yes my friends...A DERBY NAME!
Not that I am going to go and actually DO anything with name as I don't skate or anything, but I kinda felt like a tool adding my photo to the production part of the RCR website and just listing 'Tamara' when everyone else had super awesome names.  It was bad enough that I don't have some total kick ass skater type of photo :hangsheadinshameandtotalsuckage:

Last night at the meeting, I mentioned that I did not have a cool name (yes, please feel sorry for me...derby is rough!) and that it was hard to pick a cool one as I had worlds of trouble when I was trying to find a burlesque name.  Yes...I know...I keep coming back to the burlesque these days and I am thinking that it is a sign that I need to bring that dream back into my world.  Anyhow, I mentioned this, and told them my burlesque name - Hot Totti (Totti VonHoople if you want to all formal and stuff).
The room was in agreement that I should use it...so....

I PROUDLY ANNOUNCE THE RE-BIRTH OF HOT TOTTI--She is good people.  I think that you all will adore her!    

I can't work...my horoscope told me not to

This was my horoscope today by Mr. Levine-who I have come to hate with a passion and also wonder if he has my house bugged due to the fact that most of the time he is pretty spot on.  So much so that it causes great joy on the end of my best friend, Stattler, as she giggles at me from the East Coast.  Thanks for laughing at my pain-heifer!

Cancer



By Rick Levine


Giving yourself enough time to daydream today can open windows of possibilities for growth you didn't realize was possible. You might even think about enrolling in a new course of study with the imaginative Pisces Moon traveling through your 9th House of Big Ideas. If you have been longing to go on a trip, this is the right time to entertain your wanderlust. Push back your horizons and follow your inclination for something new.

So here is my issue with this daily bit of crap from the stars-I already daydream more then any normal person should.  TRUST ME.  My head is so often in the clouds that trying to focus can be an issue.  I am sure that I could put some of this random daydreaming to good use.  I could write a screenplay all about the sappy John Hughes inspired crap that runs through my brain.  I could develop a whole new Tamara.  One who has super hero like skills...and can also hold her own in a stomp competition (stop laughing-I do not judge whatever it is you daydream about!).

I don't know.  The point is...wait...did I have a point?  No?  Okay, back to dreaming about true love-80's style.

Toxic-thank you Ms. Spears

Ok, not so much the song-that has a really bad way of getting stuck in my head, but toxic friends.
We all have them.  We all put up with them. I have decided to cut my free.
And it is a lot harder then I thought it would be.

You all know me and know that for the most part, I do not let new people into my life all that often, and if I do let you in..you are stuck for life.  Like it or not.  If you want me gone, you pretty much have to tell me that. 
But in this case-it was time.  This friend has not been the kind of friend to me that I need or deserve.  I am a good friend and have always been there for the people that I care about, but this person has not been able to do that for me.  And in the end, really has made me cry more then they have ever made me smile.
So, I woke up this morning and made the choice to let this person go.
I wish them all the best and will miss them and even just writing this now and thinking about it, I am in tears, but it is time.  I love you and care about you and will miss you always-     

"Do you need someone or do you need me?" Hmmm...good question, Lloyd.

Mr. Z....I will always love you

Jay Z let me down this morning. Like hard core, slap in the face kind of let down. I’m sad about this-I truly am.


Okay-fine. I don’t actually know Mr. Z (but have always secretly felt that we would be super best buds if given the chance) and my interaction with him is purely one sided as in he is my GO TO music when I need to clear my head and drive fast.

I needed that this morning. I wanted that this morning. I didn’t get that this morning.

I did my best. I loaded in The Bluprint (the first one, as I am old school like that) and turned it up and got ready to enjoy some HO VA therapy, but I got jack. Nada. Nothing.

For the first time in forever, Jay did not clear my head. I heard the tunes and the words that usually always bring me down to a rational level and I waited for the warm rush of happy that he always brings me and it never happened. In fact, it pretty much had the Michael Bolton effect on me. I was agitated and almost snarky. WTH? How can this be?

I am baffled, but I am not giving up hope. I will try it again on the way home and see what the outcome is. Please Please Please Please Please Jay…don’t let me down as I would hate to have to switch to Yani :shudder at the thought:

Just need to get this out in the world

I started out the day with the best intentions of being productive today and really wanted to follow through with that game plan, but seeing as it is now the middle of the day and I am still surrounded by files, I might as well just admit defeat and toss in the old white towel. It is just not happening today.


Maybe it is because I forgot to take my ADD meds this morning. And really, they need like a patch or a pill bottle with a bell or something. I HAVE ADD…I WILL FORGET CRAP…LIKE TAKING THE MEDS! Anyway, my mind will just stay focused on anything that it truly needs to be thinking about today. It has pretty much just told me F-off…I am doing my own thang, lady!

My brain seems to be focused on the conversation that I had with someone last night. Not an easy one, but not one that would bring about any new hurt or anything. Just bringing into the light the rough edges of scars that I do my best to keep hidden.

After it was all said and done (and I was having a drink to keep from shaking) I started to think about why I even bothered to open up and tell this person anything. We are not dating. We are not all that close of friends. I am not sure where the friendship will even go or if it will be there for any amount of time. I also did not set out with a plan of talking about anything from my past (or I would have been drunk before I went to dinner). And sitting here thinking about it now, I still feel numbed by the conversation.

It’s odd the sides that we all have and what we show to the world and when we chose to show the many faces that we all have. I can be many roles to many people. I bend and mold to be what is needed from those around me. I give off the impression that I am always goofy and giggly and the girl cracking jokes. I will take care of anyone that needs it. I will always try and make someone laugh. I will always offer a hug. I am all of those many faces, but at the heart of it, I am also deeply flawed.

I have cuts in my personality that will never fully close. No stitch can bind it back together. No amount of medicine will ever make the small amount of pain that is left in that wound go away. It is just a part of me. That injury to my soul also keeps me wounded in a way. My handicap not being a limp but the need to wall myself into a fortress of my own making. The walls that I build, to me, keep me safe.

But these walls also keep me more wounded then the initial hurt ever could. The barriers that I set up around me, at times, keep me from letting other people into my life and to get to know the real me, flaws and all.

I am working on that. Doing my best to bring down the walls in a manner that does not leave excess scars or bruises. It’s slow. I am not a skilled Maison and I am learning as I go. From time to time, I have to add a block here and there, but I am working on it.

Not that any of this matters to anyone but me, but I just wanted to say that I am doing my best to let you in…whoever you may be. And when the wall comes down and you see the marks and scars that were left so long ago, please see past that and try and see all of me because I can’t hide them I can only bring them into the light and know that they made me who I am.

Ernie Halter=Happy Tamara

I am having a slow time getting started on this Tuesday morning, following a holiday. It’s already feeling like Fall is here. The kids went back to school this morning and I woke up to rain. Yes-Oregon knows how to bring it all on at once!
My saving grace this morning? Rockstar and Ernie Halter. What? Who is this? Does Tamara have a new man in her life? :HEAVYSIGH: No, but his music is like the hug of a lover that I have known for years, and he makes me all warm and giggly.

I will admit that I do not know much about this cat and honesty, I don’t need to know much about him other then the fact that I am in love with his voice and his songs. The best way that I could describe him would be like old school Johnny Lang…like WAY back Johnny, and not the newer stuff that I really don’t care for all that much.

This will not be a long winded blog post, as I need to get some work done. But know that the smile on my face is brought to you by Mr. Halter…and his musical hug.

Check him out. His Congress Hotel CD will not disappoint.