I have always been a nerd.

As you can tell from reading this blog, I am not a very good writer.  I know this.  I am more of a reader.  As in, house full of books, always have one with me, go to bookstores when I am upset to keep me calm, kinda reader.  The super nerd in me loves books.

When I was a kid I was hooked on a book series, Sweet Valley High.  LOVED IT!  I would take my allowance each week and go buy a new book and lock myself in my room for a couple of hours until it was finished, only to wait until the next week when I could go get a new one.  AHHHH...the simple life!

I learned all of the life lessons that one 10 year old, overweight nerdy girl could learn from two hot blond, Southern California twins (Yes, I know, so realistic!).  I fallowed their drama, felt their pain and longed to have my very own cherry red Alfa Ramiro convertible.  Like a drug, I was hooked on these paperbacks and waited like a junkie for my next fix.

OH...and did I mention the Super Editions?  OMG!  I can't even tell you the excitement that came along with heading to the store and finding out that a new one was in. HAPPY BUTT WIGGLE DANCE to the 10th degree!  These came out around the holidays and always seemed to involve a ski trip or a vacation to Hawaii.  Heaven for the reader stuck in Oregon in the rain (yes, that would be me).

While cleaning the garage, I found my box of Sweet Valley High books.  Yes, I STILL have them.  I have almost the whole set. :SUPERGEEK:  No, I have not re-read them, and I hope that I have out grown that phase of my life, but it did bring back some memories.

Also in the box, tucked into one of the books, I found a letter from the author, Francine Pascal, in response to my one and only fan letter that I have ever written.  It was totally a form letter, sent out to all the pre teen girls that were followers, but I didn't care!  All that mattered was that I got a letter back in return!

It's true...I'm a girl. A mushy girl.

I am strong.  I am independent.  I am smart.  I always take care of myself.

THEN BAM--out of the blue all of that is out the window and I turn into a stupid mushy girl.

WTH?  How can this be?  How can I be all of the things listed above all at once?


I was minding my own business today and all of the sudden some random thought about a random forgotten person popped into my head.  WHY????  And now I can't clear my head of this person.  UGH. 

I hate being a mushy girl.  I see a trip to the store for ice cream in my near future.

I think I can. I think I can....or not

I'm depressed and in an overall funk.  Nothing that I have been doing lately seems to be working out and I need to fix this AND FAST.  This goth Tamara is no fucking fun.  I can't even seem to come up with a funny blog post and really, who wants to take the time to read a blog that makes you want to cry.  I DO NOT.


So, here is what I plan to do this weekend in the hopes that it changes my outlook.  And if nothing else, it will keep my busy so that I just wont think about anything.

I am going to workout.  Yes, it's been a minute since the gym and I have spoken, but I have an odd feeling that getting all sweaty will be a good thing. Maybe.
Finish cleaning my garage.  As with the gym, I kinda hate the thought of doing this, but just imaging how great it will look when it is all finished.  And the kids want to play pool.
Learn/try something new.  Yeah...no clue as to what, but I always feel better when my brain is working on something.
Finish up my costume. UGH.  This one is going to be hard as I still have no idea if I am really going to continue or not.  But I have an ass load of sparkly crap at home, so I must do something with it.


So...not a very long list or really a hard one, but my motivation to do anything other then sit on the couch is limited, so I will have to force myself to do it.

I might also need you, the reader, to keep me motivated as well.  Or at the very least call my lazy ass out if I do not get this list finished.

And I promise...this is the last depressing blog post! 

The Tassel Tales - Week four

It's Tuesday.

CLASS is tonight!!!

I think that I am going to miss it when it is done next month.  I will not have much to look forward to. Hmmm...


Anyway.  Tonight is about hair and makeup.  And neither one are my strong points.  Well, NOTHING concerning this class is a strong point, but this is high up there.  I am not really a hair and makeup kind of gal.  If I can get away with it, I am makeup free and wearing a hat...but that would not look all that snazzy on stage, so I will have to pass on that option.

Tonight I will also have another run in with my arch nemesis--the false eyelash.  They hate me.  I hate them.  In a perfect world we would just go our separate ways and never be bothered with one another, but this far from a perfect world. :heavysigh:

So, we shall see how tonight goes and with any luck, I can make it home after class without anyone that I know seeing me in my full face of clown :)  


Wish me luck!

Please don't ask me that question.

After a very long self imposed hiatus from hell...um...I mean the dating world, I recently went out on a somewhat pleasant lunch date with a guy we will call....Bullwinkle.

This post is not about the date or the dude, but the question that always seems to come up on a date that I just absolutely dread.

Bullwinkle "So, you have lived in Oregon all your life?"
Me "Yup"
Bullwinkle"So I guess you like to hike and camp?"

AAAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAAH!!!!!!!!!

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY?????

I hate this question!  I would rather talk about ANYTHING else.  Politics.  Religion.  The Great Pumpkin. ANYTHING!

I really do not have anything against camping and hiking.  I can, technically, do both.  I just can't say that I really enjoy them.
Come on...any of you reading this blog know that I am a bit....lets say....challenged when it comes to my ability to stay on my feet and not harm myself.  So taking me to the woods and asking me to climb up the side of some mountain while the theme to Deliverance is playing in the back round just does not seem like a good idea to me.  Or maybe it is the fact that whenever I have gone on a hike with some dude he turns into like super mountain man and feels the need to take me on the hardest hike known to man to show off or something.  Really?  Look at me.  Do you honestly think that hanging by your fingertips off the side of the mountain is going to win me over?  Show up at my house with a burger, then we will talk!
So when it comes to the topic of hiking, I can do it and I have, but only enjoy it if it is a REALLY easy hike :)

Then....we....come....to...CAMPING.  Um. Well.  It's ok.  I enjoy it, kinda.  But I am not one to just pack a tent in the back of my car and head out to the woods alone and cook food on a fire.  That just does not sound safe to me. AT. ALL!  So on the issue of camping, we will give that one a maybe, if I had the right company and just leave it at that.

I just don't see why I have to like these things just because I have lived here all my life.  We have perfectly wonderful hotels that have been here my whole life too.
How about we stay a weekend at the Benson and just call it camping?  I am ALL for that!      

My run in with gym dude

I dragged my sick self out of bed for one thing today--to join a new gym.
Oh yeah...just what one wants to do when they have been sick and really just want to die, but it needed to be done.  I don't have the kids this weekend and I really wanted to work in as many workouts as I could.
Um...can you tell I've had a fever for days?  When have I ever said I wanted to work out as much as possible???
Anyway, I got up and went to the gym.
Walked in and started my afternoon adventure with Gym Dude.

Ok...we all know Gym Dude.  He is the guy that works at the gym and when he is not working at the gym he is working out in the gym. The gym is his life.  He has a shirt that is a bit too tight as to show off his arms.  Owns only workout gear.  Talks a bit too loud.  Can't understand a joke.
Gym Dude.

He starts out with "HEY! What can we do for you today?"
Me "Um, just interested in the gym, maybe looking to join"
GD "OK-GREAT!  Lets look around"

Ok...this is where Gym Dude became my subject of ridicule.  He was like Speedy Gonzales on crack while walking around the gym.  I really have no idea what he said to me, and he was always 100 feet ahead of me.
Um...ok.

We went to go upstairs and he bounced up them like 4 at a time and gave me a look of pity when I went the normal one at a time speed.

Don't give me that look Gym Dude....I'll shank you.

So anyway, this went on for a while and he got to have 20 minutes of Gym Dude glory (showing of the gym and all)...I kinda tuned him out.

In the end, the gym was nice and since it just opened, it was cheap, so I joined.  Just hope that Gym Dude didn't really mean it when he said, "Can't wait to see you around the gym!  I will be on the lookout for you!"

Great Gym Dude....please wear a shirt that is your size next time.

Is it wrong that I dressed in all black?

I will not be grumpy.
I will not think about today as Valentine's Day.
I will not be sad.
I will not be snarky.
I will not feel lonely.
I will not cry.
I will not think about the fact that I did not even get a card ( you know how I feel about cards).
I will not play mushy love songs on my Ipod.


Oh, who the hell am I kidding?  I have done all of these things as soon as the clock hit midnight last night.
GAH.

You know what I have not done? 

Started drinking.

So to you my Valentine's Day flask, I say I love you!


Just kidding...I do my best not to drink at work....sometimes.

The birth of a costume...maybe

I needed a little pick me up....so I went on a little shopping trip at lunch.

In my head--it was going to go one of two ways:

1- I would find NOTHING and take that as a sign to end the class NOW!
2- I would find something that I loved and take it as a sign that everything was going to be ok.

This is not the best pic...and it it just a START, but I was kinda leaning towards option 2 :)



Don't look at the fat arms! I had to take a quick pic :)



RE-POST: 30 Years of Flowers

I never re-post old blogs, but this one seemed fitting for today. 
Not sure if it due to the fact that Valentine's Day Weekend is here and I am trying to be positive or the fact that I was reminded yesterday that I am always going to be single and die with 105 cats, but I woke up thinking about this...

30 years of flowers


While at the store last night, I stopped in the floral section to get myself some flowers. I was just looking around and I heard an elderly man behind me say something. I wasn't sure what he had said or if he was talking to me, until he repeated himself. "You should not being buying your own flowers! No young lady should EVER buy her own flowers--EVER!" I wasn't too sure what to say, so I smiled and told him that if I didn't buy the flowers, then I would never have them! He smiled back at me and told me a wonderful story about how, for 30 years, every Friday he brought home flowers to he 'lovely wife'. He said that he started this when the were courting (his words-how adorable!) and he was trying to win her over, so he would always bring her a single flower on Fridays and that tradition kept up, the whole time they were together.



How sweet is that? Just something small and just something to make her smile and to let her know that he was thinking of her. Yes...even just thinking about it and writing this down now is making me cry just a little.




To the 3 people that read this blog (cuz it's really not all that good!) if you have someone in your life that you cherish, let them know that you are thinking about them...trust me when I tell you that it will make them smile

I am feeling lost.

I was sitting here tonight reading my burlesque handbook and trying to figure out how to make pasties when my heart started to race, I got all sweaty, could not breath and felt tears hitting the pages of my book.

WTH?  What is wrong with me?  Pretty sure I'm not reading The Notebook, maybe I am going crazy?

Or...a bit of something that I have not had to deal with in years...a panic attack.

I know that I have said this before, but I really don't think that I can complete this burlesque adventure that I have started on.  I know that I have said this in the past just joking around due to nerves, as that is what I do.  When scared or unsure, I always go the comical route, but this is different.

I don't have any faith in myself. And the small amount of confidence that I thought I had is now gone.

Why?

I am not a confident person.  I never have been.  I don't like being in front of the crowd.  I have never thought that I should be almost naked in front of one person, let alone a a room full.  I have never looked at myself as someone who was sexy.  I am the goofy sidekick to the hot girl.  Velma, not Daphine.

So why did I think that I could take a class like this again after years of just thinking about it?

Someone convinced me that I was sexy and that I could be seen on stage wearing almost nothing and that i could do this with my head held high and be proud of what I was doing.  For the first time in a long time, due to what this person said to me, I actually started to believe that I was this sexy person that they told me I was.  I stared to own that part of me that I didn't even know was there.  It was a good feeling.

Although this person didn't know this, and despite all my kidding around, I knew that I could get up on that stage and pull off a 4 minute song if they were there.  Just knowing that I would have someone there who thought I was sexy, no matter what, gave me more confidence then anything else ever could. Bad dancing and all, I knew I could do it if they were there.

This person wont be there now, and it looks like some of our conversations were not based on the truth. While I can't say that everything they said to me was false, I am starting to re-think every conversation we had.  And we had many conversations that ended with my confidence levels boosting based on what they said.  Now? I am thinking that maybe I am not as sexy as I was feeling at one time.

I know this goes against everything that burlesque stands for.  And even thinking this way I feel like I am pissing off every burlesque performer that I have ever had the privilege to meet.
I should have the ability to be able to do this based on nothing more then me...but I don't think I can.

The insecurity and terror that I am feeling at the moment, even reading my book and thinking about performing is....too much for me to overcome. The stage fright that has been pushed into the corner due to the new found feeling of sexiness has now taken over with a vengeance.

I am not sure what to do at this point.  For the moment, my tears have stopped and my heart seems to be at a normal pace again, but I can't say it will stay that way.

Feeling lost.

IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!

I have a strange way of remembering odd things about people.  Nothing important, but little quirky things that we might have spoken about once, in a bar or via txt...just random.
I can't name all the states in order or tell you who the 5th Presidentt was, but you wanna know someones fave drink- I got you covered!

Today I am in a rare selfish "ALL ABOUT ME" mood today...so I want to see how well you know me.
Much like those stupid "Hey, do this and re post" posts on Facebook....we are going to play a game and see how well y'all know little old me.  I will send a prize to whoever gets the most correct...or makes me laugh the hardest.

1) What's my favorite movie?
2) What's my favorite food?
3) What basketball coach was my dog named after?
4)What is my favorite flower?
5) What is my favorite drink?
6)What is my favorite vacation spot?
7)What is my favorite color?
8)All my purses are....???
9)What nickname have I given to the new step mom?
10)What two songs are ALWAYS my ring tone on my phone (and fave songs?)
11)Why do I hate Valentine's Day (You score extra if you make me laugh on this one).


Ok kids--have at it :) 

The Tassel Tales-Week Two

Confidence level-quickly dropping.
My actual ability to pull all of this off-dropping more quickly then the confidence level.

:sigh:

Week Two-Dance Class

I am not a dancer.  Never even took one ballet class as a child, and it shows!  I just can't dance.  And trying to figure out dancing while trying to make it look sexy? Epic fail.
I am thinking that if I change my number to a girl having some sort of seizure, it will work, but that just seems wrong and I really don't want to offend.  Well, not with that anyway.

I will say that the vibe of the class last night was pretty awesome.  The instructor, Tana, has such an infectious smile and attitude that you just can't help but enjoy yourself, even if you do feel like a dancing hippo. 

And the way she moves around the floor?  Well, if people are born to be burlesque dancers, she certainly falls on that list. She was amazing to watch.

I truly enjoy this class and I am so happy that I am finally participating in it, but I am not sure about the end product at all.

I don't like to do anything half way and I do not want to put a shitty product out into the world-there is enough of that already-i.e. Justin Beber.

I am not sure I can do this.

Maybe little pinch?

What I really want is to have someone take care of me for a little while, but since it seems that the stars have something else planned for me....who am I taking care of now????

Cancer


By Rick Levine

Taking good care of those you love is easy work for you nurturing Crabs, so it should come naturally today when you are called upon for assistance. Helping others enables you to feel good about yourself without having to meet someone else's production standards. Even if you fall behind at work now, you can still take pride in what you do by just showing up for a friend with a willing attitude and an open heart.

Side note-If Cancer's are always so caring and nurturing, why is our sign the crab?  Seems it makes it hard to take care of people with pincher's...just saying!  
 

Letter to Anonymous

Dear Anonymous-

I read your comment on my last post this morning and the first thing that came to my head was a line from Say Anything....

Lloyd Dobler: You used to be fun. You used to be warped and twisted and hilarious... and I mean that in the best way - I mean it as a compliment!



Constance: I was hilarious once, wasn't I?

I love so many lines from this movie, but this one always has a personal meaning for me.  When I am being too hard on myself or negative or just a super Debbie Downer, I always try and remember this line and it seems to snap me out of the funk that I have found myself in.

But in the mean time, could you tide me over with just a tiny little morsel? Maybe in the form of cutting yourself a little slack for a moment of human frailty? Because from my perspective you're far more beautiful than you realize, and wish you could see the world through my eyes.
Moment of human frailty? Because from my perspective you"re far more beautiful than you realize?
Oh Anonymous...how I adore you.  But I am not so sure how beautiful you would find me if you were to ever see me during the 'moment of human frailty'.  It's far from pretty!

But I will take your comment to heart and I will try my best to work through this rough patch and find my way back to being how I like to be....warped and twisted and hilarious.  

XOXO
Tamara

Where the hell is my easy button?

You ever have one of those days when just about everything you try to do just...sucks?

I am having one of those weeks...months...well, crap...pretty much all of 2011 so far.

My desk is covered with files.  My co worker just passed a test that took me twice to fail. And some random other organization wants me to give an hour long talk on what I do.  Which, I know I will suck at.

My house seems to be messy-all the time.  Some sort of communication breakdown is happening with me and the laundry.  My yard looks like it is one step away from being declared a wildlife sanctuary.  I don't even want to think about what might be growing in the shower.

I have completely slacked on the science fair project with Cooper.  And I have not really come up with any new and exciting outings or activities to do with the boys in forever.

And as much as I feel like a bad mom, I also feel like a horrible friend.  I have let people down and just not really been the shoulder to lean on that I normally am.

My to do list is so long that I can't even think about it.
I have gained a ton of weight, and must really work some time in at the gym.

UGH.  I am hosting my own personal pity party as I feel like I suck at everything in life at the moment. SUCK.

So, if I have let any of you down, and not been the person that I should have been lately, I am sorry.  And in the next coming months I promise to work on it.  Not saying that I will be very good at it...but it is something that is on my ever growing to do list!

XOXO
Tamara
   

What's my name???

Class was....amazing last night.  No joke. 

Although after just two hours with the first Rose City School of Burlesque Class of 2011....I feel like a complete non creative square. There are some wonderfully talented ladies in this class!

Ok...back to me :)

First things first--I need a new name.  It's a new class and a new year, so a new name just seems fitting.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT NAME WILL BE. 

It's hard.  Even at my most creative state (4am this morning after not sleeping) I could not come up with anything.  Feel free to help me out on this one, all 8 readers of my silly little blog!

Did I mention that I was pulling an all nighter last night?  So, yeah...at 4am this morning I came up with (I hope) will actually be my recital performance piece.  I had something all fluffy and cute...but I think I am going to have to step it up a bit and go all out and try and be edgy.
STOP LAUGHING!  I can be edgy...maybe....if I drink first.  It could happen!

OHHHHHH.......I can't wait until next weeks class.
:supernerd: 

Yeah...um...sorry for the snark

As a matter of fact, no, I do not own any Valentines Day socks. Thankyouverymuch.
And unless they magically show up at my house compliments of the Sock Fairy, or someone else that hates me, I will not be spending my money on them.  I would much rather my cash go to something a bit less horrible, just a Justin Beiber CD. *my stomach just turned at the thought -UGH.

Am I a bit snarky when it comes to this? FUCK YES I AM.

Look.  No offense to the happy little people buzzing around  me with joy and crap in their hearts.  If that works for you--by all means, you have at it.  You dress in all red on the 14th and show up with socks that have hearts and whatnot all over them.  When I walk past your cube on that day and you make me look at the flowers your husband sent you, I will smile and do my best not to puke on your computer.

But do not make me try and get all geeked out about this date.  Ok?  I have tried to do it in the past and at this point I am too bitter and cold.  Oh yeah...you betchya...I said it...I am cold!  Cold hearted and bitchy.
*insert angry Tamara face.

I will make you a deal, happy co worker of mine, you stay away from me with all your joy and bewilderment about my not owning Valentines Day socks and I will not slip Draino in your flowers when you go to lunch. 
Do we have a deal?

Heavysigh

PS...I kinda want these socks