I am feeling lost.

I was sitting here tonight reading my burlesque handbook and trying to figure out how to make pasties when my heart started to race, I got all sweaty, could not breath and felt tears hitting the pages of my book.

WTH?  What is wrong with me?  Pretty sure I'm not reading The Notebook, maybe I am going crazy?

Or...a bit of something that I have not had to deal with in years...a panic attack.

I know that I have said this before, but I really don't think that I can complete this burlesque adventure that I have started on.  I know that I have said this in the past just joking around due to nerves, as that is what I do.  When scared or unsure, I always go the comical route, but this is different.

I don't have any faith in myself. And the small amount of confidence that I thought I had is now gone.

Why?

I am not a confident person.  I never have been.  I don't like being in front of the crowd.  I have never thought that I should be almost naked in front of one person, let alone a a room full.  I have never looked at myself as someone who was sexy.  I am the goofy sidekick to the hot girl.  Velma, not Daphine.

So why did I think that I could take a class like this again after years of just thinking about it?

Someone convinced me that I was sexy and that I could be seen on stage wearing almost nothing and that i could do this with my head held high and be proud of what I was doing.  For the first time in a long time, due to what this person said to me, I actually started to believe that I was this sexy person that they told me I was.  I stared to own that part of me that I didn't even know was there.  It was a good feeling.

Although this person didn't know this, and despite all my kidding around, I knew that I could get up on that stage and pull off a 4 minute song if they were there.  Just knowing that I would have someone there who thought I was sexy, no matter what, gave me more confidence then anything else ever could. Bad dancing and all, I knew I could do it if they were there.

This person wont be there now, and it looks like some of our conversations were not based on the truth. While I can't say that everything they said to me was false, I am starting to re-think every conversation we had.  And we had many conversations that ended with my confidence levels boosting based on what they said.  Now? I am thinking that maybe I am not as sexy as I was feeling at one time.

I know this goes against everything that burlesque stands for.  And even thinking this way I feel like I am pissing off every burlesque performer that I have ever had the privilege to meet.
I should have the ability to be able to do this based on nothing more then me...but I don't think I can.

The insecurity and terror that I am feeling at the moment, even reading my book and thinking about performing is....too much for me to overcome. The stage fright that has been pushed into the corner due to the new found feeling of sexiness has now taken over with a vengeance.

I am not sure what to do at this point.  For the moment, my tears have stopped and my heart seems to be at a normal pace again, but I can't say it will stay that way.

Feeling lost.