I ready for a kiss in the rain...or golf.

It’s the end of 2011 and the time when everyone starts making resolutions for the new year.  I just can’t do this.

Look, I know that I need to drop 20 pounds, but there is just no way that I am going to get this done in the month of January.  For one, I am lazy and two, I have no willpower.  So this resolution is just filled with too much pressure.  NO.THANK.YOU.

That being said…there is a few things that I would like to add to my 2012 TO DO LIST (yes, I am going to add that list here…duh)

Go to Disneyland

            I am 35 and have never been.  I think it is time.

Learn to golf

This one might be dangerous as I have no skill, aim or any depth perception.  Maybe I should re think this one to just…drive the golf cart?

Sky dive

            I hate heights, this seems a good way to get over that.

Play some sort of team sport

This might shock you since I seem so sporty and all, but I have never played any sort of team sport. 

Perform as Grace at least one last time

            I have spent a lot of money on rhinestones to not do it one last time

Experience an amazing kiss in the rain

            Yeah, random, but it’s my list, so I get to add whatever  I want.

OK….and maybe drop 10 pounds….after all, it is the new year and I think by law, I have to add that.

I doubt that I will get a chance to cross anything off this list, but…one can dream.

Here is to a wonderful 2012!

Bad dancing=fun mom. Who knew?

I often worry that I am a horrible mother.  Not like a crack head kind of mom, but not your conventional sort of mom.

On the weekends, I let my kids stay up too late.

I will not force them to eat vegetables that I would not eat (chances are high that I don’t even know how to cook them anyway).

I believe that if you are not leaving the house, jammies are fine to wear all day.

Popcorn can be a dinner item.

We have a family dance that I make my kids do in the car (all upper body, so completely appropriate for car dancing). 

Little quirky things.  Not enough that child protective services will come knock on my door, but enough that the boys might need counseling one day. 

Last night after watching Tron and having a rave like dance party with the boys (dance party is a common theme in my house) Coop looked at me and said, “You are a lot of fun.  Not like some of my friend’s moms!” 

AWWWWW!!!!!! 

Now, I am sure that this thought will change and what he thinks of now as fun will only be thought of as embracement and the term, “why are you trying to ruin my life?” will be said, but for now I will take that statement from last night as maybe I am not the worst mom in the world after all.  

Ya know, until next week when I send one of them to school with an empty lunch box that I grabbed off the counter while the full lunch box sits in the fridge….

Random mom laughs

Let me just start off by saying that my dog is pretty great and hardly ever goes potty in the house...but he is a dog and they can have accidents from time to time. 

So tonight was a pretty normal night dinner, homework, hangout, showers, read and then off to bed.  We were on the shower and reading portion when  I walked into Cooper's room to see him standing on one foot with an odd look on his face.....in the middle of a very large puddle (we have hardwood floors, if that helps with the visual).
Me - "Coop, what's going on?"
Coop - "MOM!  I don't know.  I dried off after the shower, but I don't know how I got the floor this wet!  I don't know!"
Me - "That's not from the shower.  You are standing in the middle of dog pee"
Coop - "WHAT?!?  I'M STANDING IN PEE? OH GOD! YUCK!"
Me - "Yeah, you are gonna want to take a second shower"

Times like that make me wish that I was a reality show and had cameras ruining 24/7..if only to capture the look on his face and to see him standing there like a flamingo.

After I stopped laughing (yes, I am THAT kind of mom that laughs at/with her kids) I got Coop and his room all cleaned up and off to bed.

Just a normal night....and I loved every second of it!

Oh Christmas Tree....

It’s Christmas tree time again.  If you know me, you know that historically this has not gone well.

The Jager Year

This was my first Christmas after the divorce and the first time that I tried to put a tree up solo.  This did not end well.  First off, my tree stand went missing.  As I rushed out to grab a new one (blaming the ex the whole time), I had a feeling that this was the start to a bad afternoon.

Got home and spent HOURS trying to get the stupid thing in the stand and straight.  No luck.  Over and over again I moved that damn tree in that damn stand and in the end, it was as straight as RuPaul.  It was at that point that I broke down in tears and started drinking.  Soon, the tears dried, the Jameson kicked in and I came up with an idea….It was clear that I was not going to win when it came to making a straight tree, so I would embrace it…and leave a bottle of Jager on the porch in the flower pot.  Yes, the flower pot.  I can’t just leave it sitting out…this is not the South…and the home owners association already hates me, so we must hide the Jager.  Anyway….my plan was to have everyone who came over that holiday season take a shot before they came in, that way my tree would not look so bad if my guest had a slight buzz on.  

The Mommy Dearest Year

This was the year that I put my fine parenting skills to use and nearly killed Kellen when the tree fell on him.  To this day I can still hear, “MOM!!!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME??!!??” being screamed out  from under the tree.  Yeah….he might need counseling for that one later in life….I am saving up now.

The Man Friend Year

I wised up this year.  Had a friend help.  And this really was a good choice as this was the year that I got it in my head that we would go out and chop a tree down.  Hmmm…..looking back on it, I am pretty sure that me and a saw should never come in contact.  I do have to say that while we were all set to cut down the tree ourselves with that little janky hand saw that they give you at the tree farm…I was thankful when the lady walked pasted me with a chain saw and asked if she could cut it for us.  Yes….YES YOU CAN!

The tree came down and I managed to get it home, in the stand, straight and did not harm anyone.  THAT WAS A GOOD YEAR! 

This year?   UM?   There will be no Jager (at least not for me) and Kellen has told me that there is no way in hell that he is helping me and sadly, I do not have a man friend.   SO WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

Pretty sure that this will be the Christmas Vacation year and some random rodent will jump out and try and kill me followed by bursting into flames…ya know….maybe.  

MMMMM....Foood....

I was reading a funny little story the other day that was written by someone who was remembering what it was like to go and celebrate Thanksgiving with this significant other for the first time.  The story was about the food part of Thanksgiving and how they were missing soul food (he was black, his partner was white).  If I was not brain dead and could remember where I read this, I would post it here, but I can’t seem to remember what I just ate 20 min ago…so you will just have to take my word on it.  It was a funny story.  I laughed.

It also got me to thinking about what my family always served for holiday meals and how this might differ from those around me.

To me, we had the normal stuff…

Turkey

Mashed potatoes

Stuffing

Gravy

Green beans with bacon

Steamed carrots

Rolls

Pumpkin pie

I am sure that I am forgetting something and some years I am sure that other things showed up on the table, but for the most part…that was always what we had. All pretty normal, basic items. 

When I got married and traveled to Texas for the holidays with the Ex, for the most part it was still the same grouping of foods.  They added some twice baked potatoes and maybe some green bean casserole (or maybe not.  I find that stuff slimy and gross…so if I ate it, I think that I blocked it out) and at New Years added black eye peas for luck (a tradition that I have kept up with).

I can’t ever remember any items that we had that everyone just hated, but we had to make or Great Uncle So and So would pitch a fit…or anything that was special to our family in some way.

So….what dishes show up on your holiday table that your family only makes ones a year , that you can’t live without or that you think is so strange that you are sure you are the only family to serve it????

      

The Tamducken

I feel like an emotional turducken.

Tamducken.

I am thankful for so much in my life, but there are some things that have been causing me so much sadness that I spend more time in tears then with a smile.

The main thing that I am so upset about?  My friends.

I know I am not perfect.  FAR FROM IT.  I am moody and weird and all sorts of other things. But I am a good friend.

I have been there when they were sick.  I have brought meds and soup and crackers. Spent days watching movies while they sniffled and coughed.

I have been there when they needed a place to crash. A ride. A hug. A shoulder to cry on. A partner in crime. A dog sitter. A house sitter. A baby sitter. A drunk sitter.

I have hated ex boyfriends for them.  Cooked up romantic plans to win ex girlfriends with them.

I have worried about them. Laughed with them….and loved all of my friends as if they were family.  And honestly, as someone who does not have a large family….that is what they were to me.  The family that you were not forced to be nice to because you were born into it…but the family that you chose to make a part of your life.

Over the last few months I feel like I have lost all of that. Ok…not all.  I do have some people in my life that still seem to put up with me on a daily basis (LOVE YOU). But a large amount of my friends, the same ones that I did all of the above mentioned things with are just….gone.  And I have no idea why.

Did I do something? Did I hurt someone? Maybe we were not truly friends after all and all that time and energy I put into the friendship was just wasted?  I don’t know.

I have spent the past few months feeling more alone and sad then I ever have in my whole life.  And for someone that is normally happy and smiles…this has been hard to deal with.  All happy on the outside…and sad on the inside…

Tamducken.

To the people in my life that stuck around….you know how much I love you.  To the people that have seemed to fade into a memory, I love you too…because that is what family does.

I think I have a ice cream hangover...

I was watching a chick movie last nigh (while eating unhealthy amounts of ice cream) and was reminded of something that I wrote a long time ago, but I still find it to be true today....

I believe in the power of a great kiss.

It has the ability to make your stomach drop, your heart race and your spine tingle.
And a kiss, done right, will have the power to make you blush, just by thinking of it, years after it has happened. 

A great kiss, one worthy of remembering, will make you feel as if your heart has stopped, you can no longer breath and your body is no longer under your control. 

One simple kiss can be the start of so many things.

A kiss backed by passion will take over your whole body. Cheeks flush, knees weekend, heart pounding.

This kiss, starts with the lips, but it's power and passion will spread causing all parts of the body to come alive with desire.

Eyes locked. Gentle tilting of the head.  Feeling the breath of the one that is about to kiss you.

The point, just before the kiss, when it takes your breath away.

 
While it would be unfortunate to never have the chance to be intimate with the one you love again...

To never have the chance to kiss them again would be cruel.

I believe in the power of a great kiss. 

Hey Monday, lets be friends!

Just when you think that you have gotten a jump on Monday….something like this happens…

I spent most of Sunday being lazy.  Lazy is an understatement.  I would actually go as far as to say that I spent Sunday channeling my inner sloth self.  It was heavenly. 

But Monday morning came around and in order to be a productive member of society, I had to get some stuff done…and in a hurry.

So when the alarm went off at a little after 5am, I jumped up and got a start to my day.

I was keeping a mental checklist of all the tasks that I had accomplished by 6am and was feeling pretty good about myself.

            Showered

            Got the boys showered and dressed

            Made lunches for all three of us

            Unloaded the dishwasher

            Loaded the dishwasher

            Clothes in the washer and dryer

            Fed dog

            Three bags packed for school and work

Phew….yeah me!  That is a lot to get done on a Monday morning (small pat on back!) 

The boys get picked up for school and I headed out to work.  Still feeling like I was ready to do a bit of Monday butt kicking.

I am halfway to work when in one small quick moment, Monday came to me and smacked me in the face..hard. 

I looked down to notice that along with my work shirt and shoes….I was still in my flannel jammy pants.

WTH?  How did I do that??? 

Then I remembered that while I was getting dressed this morning, I had to stop and go help Cooper get ready….and just went on with my morning and never looked to see what I was wearing.   I just sipped my shoes on that were by the door, grabbed my coat and ran out.   

I know that it is Halloween and if I were in an office that lets us dress up, I would have just kept on my way to work in the jammy pants and called it a costume, but I don’t, so I had to head back home to change.  UGH.  

So what did I learn this morning?  Always respect Monday…as she has the power to be evil!

*Nope, no photos.  For one, I was super late at that point and two, when this was happening, I had to intention of telling the world how dense I am….but after thinking about it, I thought it might make you laugh*

    

Cuz this is....THRILLER!

When the Thriller video came out in 1986, I was 6 and the video scared the hell out of me. Don’t get me wrong, I would watch it over and over again, but it still freaked me out.

I hated the part where MJ turns into the zombie and is doing the Thriller dance along with all the other zombies.  I hated that evil Vincent Price laugh.  HATED IT.  **and I had an MJ poster on my wall.  He was with ET...so in my mind, that is how he should look!** 

But at the time I was a hard core MJ fan, so I sat and I watched it…and watched it and watched it. 

Jump ahead a few short years, yeah…who am I kidding…jump ahead about 29 years to last night.  Since I am going to be spending my upcoming Sat morning trying to learn the Thriller dance (no, I do not know it, so shut up!) I thought that I would pull up the video on YouTube and watch it with the boys.

I thought that they would love it.

I thought they would think it was cool.

I thought they might be a bit scared.

The video ends, and I asked them what they thought. 

Cooper goes first, “That was kinda of stupid and so not scary at all, mom.”

Kellen follows that up with, “You really think that you are going to be able to do that dance?  Like with other people at the same time?  You can’t really dance.  You sure you don’t want to just watch your friends do it?”

DUDE!  I get no love in my house! 

And yes, that statement from Kellen was followed by me trying to make him do the dance with me.  

He asked if he could go to his room and read.  

That’s cool…..he does not know it yet, but this weekend he is learning the Thriller dance with me…and maybe The Dougie

Super Mario is coming to town....

Last night I got a txt from my ex that made me want to poke him in the face…with a stick.

“FYI, Cooper and Kellen asked me about Santa Clause.  Both figured he wasn’t real and I confirmed it.”

WTH?  WHY?  WHAT THE HELL WOULD MAKE YOU CONFIRM THAT SHIT? 

Ok, I get that my kids are growing up and at 8 and 7 they are able to figure out a few things on their own, but I was not ready for him to snatch Christmas joy away from me.  IN THIS CASE YOU LIE!  You tell them that the mall Santa is not “THE” real Santa, but just a minion for the hard working guy who lives up at the Pole.  You LIE and you tell them that he is real and that if they are not good, you will call him and rat their little asses out to the Big Guy.     

This is my right as a parent…all parents, really, to keep the twinkle in their eyes just as long as we can while at the same time forcing them to act like the well behaved children that Santa wants them to be.

The ex has taken that from me…revenge will follow.  Just not sure yet as to how…anyway…. 

I was discussing this with a co-worker this morning and when her kids got to be a bit older; her ex started leaving gifts not from Santa, but from stars that her daughter was into at the moment. 

“Merry Christmas! From The Backstreet Boys”   WOW…what kid would not love that???

 This is what I am going to do this year…

The gifts are all going to be from Mario, Yoshi….Donkey Kong….you get the idea.

So while on Christmas Eve, little ones around the world will be leaving cookies and milk out for Santa and Rudolph…..my clan will be leaving out gold coins, mushrooms and bananas. 

 HA…ex husband….how do you like them apples…or bananas as the case may be?!?!

PS…Um….ex….you spilled the beans on Santa, but are still buying into the Tooth Fairy thing….we might need to talk about what mythical characters we are sticking with and which ones we are hanging a pink slip to…just saying.  

Run, Rabbit....Run!

I know I am lazy.

I know that I am out of shape.

I know that I hate to work out.

I know that I hate to push myself beyond my limits.

I know that I am not good at trying new things with people that I do not know.

What I don’t know is why I signed up to participate in the Hybrid Adventure Games and why I actually DID the race.

Would this be a good time to admit that I spent the whole week wishing for a twisted ankle or explosive diarrhea?   Pretty much anything that would make it so that I would not have to actually go and do the race.

Ugh. No.Such.Luck.

Saturday morning found me injury free and up at 5am playing loud old school Jay Z in the hopes that I would get pumped up enough to want to kick this races ass.  And to be able to proudly sport my 80’s workout gear (hey, if I am going to do something that scares the hell out of me, it is going to be in a costume!) 

I was ready!  I can do this! 

And then we got to Ski Bowl and I saw the start of the race…the start of the race that went straight up the mountain. CRAP.  CRRRAAAAAPPPPPP!  2.5 miles.  ALL UP HILL.

ALL

UP

HILL

UGH.

I started out at a slow run, but along with a large majority of the people around me, ended up walking most of it.  With being lazy and the elevation…I thought for sure that I was going to die.  Or at least I wanted to, but I did not.  I stuck with it and made it all the way to the top.  I would have enjoyed the beautiful view at the top, but the feeling of wanting to vomit was a bit too strong.  And I had to turn my ass back around and go down the hill. 

Yes, I did slip while trying to make it down.  And no, you are not shocked, I can tell. 

With the small slip, I tweeked my knee, so my plan of running back down the hill was not a great one.  My knee hurt like hell, so I would run a bit and walk some.  For a while I was all alone on the trail and thought for sure that I was the last one to complete the race…BUT I WAS NOT!  THERE WERE SLOWER PEOPLE THEN ME!!! 

After that came running through tires, hurdles, hurdles with barbwire, having to slide down a hill in a jacked up slip and slide thing (yay for being near death and wet!), obstacle course, tractor tire toss, keg toss and archery. 

I did not finish everything, but that was not 100% my fault.  THE LINES FOR EACH EVENT WERE CRAZY!  I stood in line for an hour for the tractor tire toss (all the while having to chat with people that I don’t know-AHHH!) and then is started to rain and get COLD!  So after a really crappy tractor toss (or move rather as we all know I am not tossing a tire) I found Elle and her car key and ran to the car to put on dry clothes. 

And there was no way I was getting back into another hour long line after that!!

Today is Monday and I am still sore, but I am so happy that I did it.  I will mark that off of my ‘to do’ list and see what new adventures that I can add.      

In your eyes....

Things that I always seem to think about after watching Say Anything...

Kickboxing...sport of the future
If someone were to stand outside of a girls window and blast music today in 2011, would they get the cops called on them?
I think the awkward first kiss is sweet.
That movie could never be made today or maybe it could, but she would never give him a pen today...she would send him a txt or a tweet and that really just does not work. (I gave her my heart and she gave me a....txt??)
Lloyd Dobler is...dare I say it...the nice guy.
Why is being a nice guy a bad thing? 
Are there still nice guys out in the world or have we made them go into some strange romantic witness protection program?

I sure hope that last one is not true.  That would really suck to only be able to read about "the nice guy" in a book or in the zoo.

I also think that I should avoid Say Anything when I am home alone and feeling mushy.
I might need an intervention soon....or hide all of my 1980 romantic comedies.
Mushy romantic Tamara.....never a good thing.
Maybe tomorrow I should take on the Saw movies???? :)

Yeah....it's been a long week...

Come on ride the train...Day One

Since I will be on the MAX for the next few weeks, I thought that I would blog about it.  Mostly because my life has been really boring over the past few months and I have nothing to blog about and because weird crap seems to happen to me.  And if something weird is going to happen…I am sure that it will happen while huddled with the masses on public transit.

The only thing that I have from last night was a guy I have named, Mr. No Smile.

I caught Mr. NS starring at me multiple times.  Like every time that I looked up from my phone, Mr. SM was looking my way, and would look away all quick and fidget with his bag.  And let me say that I do not think that he was looking at me as I was looking all cute or anything (I was not) but it was more that I was in his direct line of site.  The guy had no choice.

The guy was not creepy.  He looked like your average computer programmer on his way home to the burbs…but….it always freaks me out when you catch someone looking at you and they don’t even so much as smile.  We have all done it and been caught at it, but I try and at least look friendly when I am on the hook for looking at someone.

A quick smile would have done wonders in changing my thoughts on Mr. NS.

And not a smile that says, “Heeeeyyyyyy…..how YOU doing?  Mind if I sit here and ask you for your phone number and make you want to get off at the next stop, even though you are nowhere close to home?”  No…not THAT kind of a smile, but at least a quick little twitch of a facial expression that lets me know that you are not looking at me and trying to figure out how you can dismember my body so that it all fits in the fridge in your moms basement. 

So, day one was not all that much of an adventure…we shall see what day two has to offer.  And if I happen to run into Mr. NS….I am going to give him a big ol goofy grin….and let’s hope that his moms freezer is all full for the winter!

I've seen your picture...your name in lights above it...

Overcoming fear is a crazy thing and powerful thing.  It's almost like a drug in the way it can get into your head and almost change the chemical make up of your brain. And I wont lie, when you have dome something that scares the crap out of you...it's a rush.  I can see why people get hooked on adventure sports and things like that...I never would do anything like that, but I get the feeling behind it.

Something that I did not think about was how overcoming your fear can change peoples perseption of you.  I still see myself as this mousy little person who is still afraid of so many things in the world that I am shocked I leave my house everyday.  But others seem to have this idea that I can do anything and am brave-their words, not mine!

It's funny to me how many times a week I have the conversation with someone, "So, you will do ABC....but not XYZ???"   Um...YES!  Don't get me wrong....I am proud of the fact that I took on my stage fright and did by best to kick it's ass while wearing hardly any clothes, but when it comes down to it, I am still pretty much a wussy. And simple things still make me want to vomit.

Like getting photos taken.  Dude...what burlesque performer does not like to be in front of the camera?  Um...this one.  I have put it off...forever.  Being in front of just one person and their camera just seems so...invasive.  And what if I look silly?  Or fat? Or you can totally see that one eye is larger then the other???????  AHHHHHHH....the pressure is just too much!

But...I have this Groupon that I need to use soon, so I went in and spoke to someone about getting some photos done.  Just one shot.  Just one set of clothes.....nothing wild.  Fully covered.  45 min.  In and out and done.   But even just writting that...I kind of want to get sick a little, but I am looking forward to it.

I met with Mike, the photographer from http://portlandpinups.com/ last night and he seems like a wonderful fellow and put me at ease....even if he did tell me that I was one of the weirdest girls that he has ever met.  Guess people find it odd that random cheesy Tamara is involved in burlesque and roller derby (he found it even more weird that I don't skate, just help out...guess he wants to take a photo of me with a black eye???).

So, sometime in November I am going to do my best to overcome yet another one of my many fears and try and look good in front of a camera.  Maybe if I post of shot of me looking horrified and puking in my purse people will stop thinking that I am so fearless????    

What the hell do they do in there?

I work in a pretty random office building.

On the bottom floor is a car dealership and a strange pharmacy that only old people go to…and it smells funky.

On the top floor there is an office that is always filled with paperwork, but rarely ever people, an office that has been filled with construction crap for two years, a small empty one room office and us.

About two months ago a large desk and shelves showed up in the small one room office.  Shortly after that paint swatches hung from the walls (no painting has yet to be done). The swatches were followed by two large home stereo speakers (the kind that are like 3 feet tall).  The speakers were followed up by a microwave being placed on of the speakers.   Nothing else in the office…just that.

Yesterday I was walking in and out of the corner of my eye noticed little orange things all over the floor.  As a mom to two boys and as someone who has been pelted in the face with these little fuckers….I knew instantly that they were Nerf gun bullets.   TONS of them….all over the place.

 Let me just say that none of us here have any clue of what goes on in that office or who works there.  I think that I have seen the person who works there once, in the bathroom.  I only noticed her as she was in there without any shoes on.  Um, yuck!  She did not say anything to me, just washed her hands and walked out in the direction of her office.

I have seen a random guy on this floor as well….also without shoes.  So I am guessing that he might be the accomplice in the Nerf gun war.

 Oh….I think they must do whatever it is that they do in there late at night as the random office furniture that shows up is always after I have gone home.

I am now on a mission to find out what the hell they are working on…..and if they need a third party.

I come complete with my own Nerf gun and bullets!   

Are you my daddy???

About every three years or so I get a wild hair up my butt to sit for hours on end hunting the WWW in the hopes that I will magically find my biological father.  And every three years or so I come up with the same ol thing....nothing.

After talking to Statler last night, it occurred to me that it has been a while since I have done this and it might be time to give it a try again.

The thing is, I don't have all that much to go on.  His name....and that is about it.  A few years back I ordered my birth certificate from the state with the thought that a middle initial or something would be on it, but it was blank (again...thanks mom). And his name is pretty common....so endless Internet searches come up with nothing.  When I was married, the ex had a friend that was a PI and he passed on the limited info that I had to him.  He came up with the same thing I did.  So my thought was that if Mr. Magnum PI could not get a hit.....I'm pretty sure that I am not going to have any better luck.  I think that was the last time that I really looked into finding him.

So the question would be...why do I feel the need to find him at all?  In 35 years of not meeting the man, I have done ok.  And since (from what I have been told from my not to helpful mother) he does know that I actually do exist and he has never looked for me....why the hell would I even care???

He is probably some POS that I don't want around anyway (after all he did hook up with my mom...and we all know how I feel about her). 
*In my head...he is an entertainment lawyer.  Not sure where I got that from, but ever since I was a little girl and would think about who my dad was....entertainment lawyer was always what came to mind. Odd

And I am sure that I could live the rest of my life being ok with not meeting him, but here are the reasons why I think I would like to chat with the man

1- What if all of his family members died of some strange illness at 36?  That would give me one year left to scratch all the stupid things off my bucket list. Look if I am going to get some flesh eating genetic disease soon....I am going to want to go sky diving first.  Who's going with me???

2- What if I meet and fall in love with my half brother and we get married and have babies with two heads????  Ok. I will admit that was something that I saw on Private Practice (not  the babies with two heads part) and I have never heard of that in real life....but it is a concern when you have no idea of who your family is.
*I actually turned a guy down for a date once as he had the same last name as my biological father.  I have no idea if there was any relation, and I did not ask.  It was just too strange!

3-What do I tell my kids when they ask me why I don't have a father?  "I'm sorry boys, but the truth is, your grandmother (btw...they have never met her either) was a bit of a whore at 18 and did not take the time to   keep in contact with your grandpa and so I have no idea of where he could be.  But I might have passed on some strange illness to you and you might die at 36.  Can you pass the chicken?"  Hmm....while I am far from June Cleaver, I don't think that I will ever have that conversation with them!

I guess one day he will need a kidney or something and look me up.  Until then, I will try and not bring any two headed babies into the world :)

And this photo has nothing to do with my life...just thought it was cute!

I might need to cut out the burgers...

Dreams are funny.  They can mess with your head.  What do you do with your day when you wake up from a dream thinking WTF?????

I have had some crazy dreams in my lifetime.  And I am the kind of person that will wake up and totally remember all of the dream and be able to go into vivid detail about it.  For the most part, I have good dreams, but last night was odd.

And it seems fitting today as I have already made one post on FB about John Cusack that my blog post should be about him as well (see...crazy how that works!).  And while I have often had dreams that Lloyd D...or a man like him....falls head over heals for me and stands outside my window with a boom box, this dream was about this  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgnhkxxYZv8 

And strange part is...I wasn't the real life character from the movie..I was the freaky lil burger!

WTH did I eat before bed that last?????


And yeah...THAT SONG IS STUCK IN MY HEAD TODAY!


I might need to eat salads for a while :)

Your face is going to freeze that way

I don't understand the 'mean mug' or why random people do it.

For those of you that don't know-the mean mug is when someone that you don't know, for no reason feels the need to give you the death glare and walk away.

In most cases the classic mean mug involves females.  Not completely sure why this is the case, but it seems to happen more with the chick then with the dudes.  And it is never a solo mean mugger. OH NO...it is always a gaggle of muggers.  They might not all be participating in the nasty face parade, but it seems to make the head mugger feel better initiating the mean mugging if she has her posse of sour pusses with her.

I was party to this last night.

Just hanging out.  Chatting.  Drinking.  Having a great time when we were mean mugged by one little troll of a mugger (and her gaggle of trolls).

And it was not a random...girl walked by, maybe had a gas pain or her thong rode up up high at that moment causing her to grimis...it was a full on walking, don't break eye contact mean mug.

DUDE? WTF?  REALLY  Trollette?


She quickly shuffled away with her group and averted eye contact once the initial mean mug was complete.

And this is what I don't get....WHY?  Was there some point to that?  Are we in the jungle and you just peed on my foot to mark your territory?

And you don't know me.  I am big girl (bigger then snarky Troll, that is for sure).  And you don't know if I am crazy or not (SHUT IT....you know who you are) or if I will return your mean mug with a slap to the face.
*Ok....I'm a wussy and avoid all confrontation, so I would never do that...but I am sure that there is some scary crazy girl that would.

See, this is why girls are always so bitchy with each other.  Stop the constipated mean mug face and try a smile at a random other female once in a while.  I promise it will hurt less then a cup of blue drank hitting you up side the head!    

Cuz it would make me giggle

Every so often I feel that it is time to start dating again.  I usually time this with going to the dentist, GYN exams and getting my licensed renewed.

So basically ALL THINGS THAT SUCK come around at the same time.

I know that I posted that I should secretly video the dates http://hottotti.blogspot.com/2011/04/would-they-need-to-sign-release-form.html   but I am thinking now that we need to step it up a bit.

I need to combine the secret videoing with an obstacle course.  I am thinking like Wipeout.

Who would not enjoy a blind date more if it also had big balls??? Wait...that sounded bad...you KNOW what I mean.

The big red balls...the Wipeout balls!


I will admit that this plan needs some work and that possible someone might get physically hurt....


But it just might be fun :evilgrin:


I will give this some more thought....

It's that time of year again

I am thinking that I need to start planning a party.  Oh yes kids...

It's Luau time!

Since I had to cancel it last year, I feel like it has been a lifetime since I have pulled out the tiki torches, stuck some pork in the oven and made my friends take photos as a surfer (yes, I do own one of those card board cut out things with the whole where your face goes....what of it?)

Now to schedule the stupid thing.  That really is the hard part!  I am pretty sure that I have something going on almost all the weekends left in the summer, but I will find the time.

Oh....and as always I am already worried that if I plan this, no one will come.

Not gonna lie....was feeling a bit let down by some of my friends for not making it to my birthday party this month.  It's cool...I am over it, but if I make Jello shot mountain...you bitches had better show up!


I am thinking August 21.  It's a Sunday.  We might have sun.  I will make the shots.


You wanna come?  I promise to only make you take one photo as a surfer dude!

 

IT TWO - The strip club version

While on a random trip about town this weekend I was reminded of something so terrifying and horrible that I have blocked it out for the last few years....


The night the clowns took over the strip club

Even now, three years later, my spine shivers at the thought!

Some of you might know this story and a few of you were there to live through it with me (hugs to that crew!).

A group of us girls went on a Strip O Rama Barfly party bus for a bachelorette party.  All was going well, the night was full of smiles, laughter and drinks.
Did I mention drinks?  As in...a lot of drinks?  Yeah, that might have had something to do with the added horror.
Anyway, we get to the last club of the night, The Hawthorne Strip, and a couple of us are a bit slow to make it into the club as we were still on the bus (pretty sure the ability to walk was an issue). So when we finally get off the bus and make our way to the door, someone comes walking out and states, "You do not want to go in there. TRUST ME!"
Hmmm.....ok, completely random stranger, now you have me curious, now I must go in!

And then the door opened and what came walking out was terrifying.

CLOWNS.

Clown after clown after clown.  And not happy, let me make you a balloon animal clowns, NO...these were Insane Clown Posse kinda clowns.  Clowns that had been drinking all night.  Clowns that had makeup dripping and smudge off of their faces.

Do you know how disturbing it is to see a clown with half of his makeup rubbed off, staggering out of a strip club with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth?????

And there were a ton of them or a gaggle or what ever you call an ass load of creepy clowns from hell.  There were so many of them flowing out of the door that I thought for a moment that I was making it up and I had to look at my friend and ask, "Um....do you see this too or is it just me?"
Thank god she was seeing the same thing I was!

That was some mess up shit...just saying!

Happy 4th of July weekend to you all...and learn from me, if someone says "You do not want to go in there"...DON'T!
XOXOXO  Tamara   
  

I need a Wonder Twin party planner...or more friends.

My party planning skills seem to have left me.

 I have agreed to host a sleepover (don't call it a slumber party or the boy children of the house get mad) for Cooper and an unknown number of his friends for his 7th birthday.

Yeah...take a moment and let that statement sink in.  Large number of 7 year old boys and me.

I am having visions or anarchy and that song from Lord of the Flies keeps playing in my head.

I have no clue of what I am going to do to keep them all entertained yet, but I do know that I am going to need a drink on Sat.

And next weekend is my birthday.  My birthday is on Friday, but I wasn't all that sure of what to do, so I invited some people to attend a super hero pub crawl on Sat as my birthday party.  At the time it seemed like a good idea.  Now I am thinking that it might suck.  This is why I never plan a party for myself.  What if no one goes and I look like a dork all alone in a super hero costume....again (yes, I did say again-bite me).

Maybe I should just stay home.  I could just tell the one person that might show up  that I was there, but my costume was so super fantastic they did not see me.  Hmmm, but maybe not as the whole hide behind the hair thing seemed to equal epic fail. 

         

I would like to return this hart to the wizard...

People never give me gifts, so when an early birthday present came in the mail containing concert tickets, I was inclined to partake in the happy butt wiggle dance.

THEN.
IT.
HIT.

The emo girl part of me. She took over.

See...here is the thing about the tickets-they were from someone that I once really cared about.  Fuck it, not gonna lie...full on over the moon school girl puppy dog crush.  And the tickets were to go and see a show by a performer who has CD after CD of mushy type, I love you, could you love me...blah blah blah kind of songs.  And I know this as I had JUST downloaded his new CD like two days before the tickets showed up in my mail box.
SIDENOTE: Dude, we have not spoken in months and months...and you get me tickets to someone that I just got the CD for?????  Creepy random connection, Batman.

Oh....and was Tesla or Yanni or John Tesh or just about ANYONE else playing in Portland around the prime Birthday gift giving time?   Help a girl out here to try and avoid the emo, lets listen to this love song over and over again and try to forget the fact that I am single and all alone and planning out how I am going to buy 35 cats without anything thinking it's weird while you are happy with your girlfriend...yeah...lets try and not bring that girl out in to the world.

Well, that is not me now, but last week...it was soo me.  I am going to blame the full moon and just leave it at that.  This week....Tamara the non emo tough girl is in full effect.  Can you feel all that badassness coming at ya???? :)




 

Let's get physical....physical...let me hear your body cry...

As I mentioned in my post from this morning, I started the Insanity workout last night.

And by started I really mean tried to do the first dvd, the fit test, did about 3 min of it, started to hate my life and all of those around me and half assed it the rest of the 30 mins.
Not proud.

But...I am going to give it a try and see if I can make if at least 5 min through the second dvd tonight.

I am pretty sure that I might die.

This girl wants to do more things with very little clothing on and at the moment, I just can't do that.
So I could sit and bitch or I can try and do something about it and bitch when I am done about something else.

And yes...I did have a burger today at lunch.  It felt like having breakup sex with an ex.  You know it's wrong.  You know you will miss it, but you do it one last time.

:heavysigh:

Well, here is to dropping the 10 pounds that I have managed to pick up since April and feeling good enough about myself to spend more time naked!
Well....almost naked!      

That is not a juicy van...

This is just my opinion, but I feel as if there are a few things in this world that are just not necessary.

Windowless black vans-
Look, it's not 1972. There is no reason for you to have a large, black, windowless unmarked van.  It's creepy.  The only time this is ever ok is if you are in the CIA or are planning a kidnapping.

The sock/sandal combo-
So, you felt it was warm enough to sport the sandal, but yet not warm enough to fully commit to the sandal alone, so the best option you could come up with was to add socks?

The Insanity Workout DVD set-
I tried it for the first time last night.
BTW - Fuck you, Insanity workout DVD creator.  I hate you.

Expiration dates on water-
IT'S WATER!  I don't care what the date on that jug says, if you are thirsty, you will drink it.  Also, if for some reason I have been stuck in my house long enough to drink the jug of water that has been in my garage for 5 years, I am thinking that the expiration date is the least of my worries.


I feel better now...thank you!

A little Grace Fall mystery...

Three things:

I forgot how much I really love being up on stage performing.
I forgot how nervous I get when it hits me that I have to actually go on stage.
I could not do any of this without the support of my awesome friends.

Those three things pretty much sum up my weekend. Well, I guess I should also add that I spent Friday dressed only in body paint, wings and a tutu.  That's not something I do everyday.

AND...

Grace came back for her first official show!  I need to work on moving around the stage better, but I think that for the most part, it went well.  It was a new act and my first time performing, so it could have been worse.

And I had a ton of people there to support me, so no matter what, it was a good night.  I have said it before, but I truly would not be able to step one toe on that stage without my friends being there laugh with me every terrifying glitter filled step of the way!

Hit me with your best shot...of Patron before you sing again!

Wednesday night + Candy + Jameson + Karaoke  = my old ass hurting today!

Did I mention that I sang last night?  As in actually in front of other humans and not just in front of my kids who are forced to listen to me as they are too young to leave the house solo (perk to being the mom).
Did I mention it was bad?  Oh yeah, really bad!  We all know that I can't sing and have a fear of singing in public, so I was a bit shocked when I found myself on stage with a mic in my hand.
I was even sober...well...kinda sober at that moment, although I am sure that the unlucky people in the bar were wishing that they were *swisteddrunk after having to listen to me.
I should have bought them all a shot...NOTE TO SELF-buy all the people that were there a shot the next time I see them.  And maybe send Pat Benatar flowers or something to say sorry for butchering her song.

Bad singing also brought her cousin to the party, bad white people dancing.
Um...yeah, I will take the blame for the bad dancing as well.  Complete with that stupid white girl 'dance face' (I saw the photos)...dead sexy!

And I am not sure if I was in a mosh pit at any point in time last night, but I hurt today!  How can it be that a night out of dancing hurts more the next day then if I went on a run?  I don't think I was all that crazy of a dancer last night, but my body feels like I was doing the worm all night long.
Maybe that is the Universe trying to tell me that my old ass white girl self either needs to get back in shape, or leave the dancing to the young ones.

Either way, it was a fun night.  A much needed fun night full of smiles and good people.

BTW--- next time, it's the Pina Colada song....you have been warned!

Jameson-It's how you make friends!

Once a month I get up while it is still dark out and make my way to work for an early morning meeting.
UGH.
But it's only once a month and I have been doing this for a long time, so I don't mind.
Part of my duties for this meeting is to pick up snacks for the MD's that attend this meeting.  I have tried to go healthy on them, but in the end they want donuts, so donuts they shall have.
I always go to Delicious Donuts.  And if you are in Portland and have never been, you are missing out and you need to go.  I know that Voodoo is the place that most people hit up, but I just don't think that they are all that good and I am not sure how happy my old school docs would be if I showed up with a box full of donuts shaped like penises.
At 5:30 in the morning it's usually just me and the cop that hangs out there, but this morning there was a younger couple in front of me.
She was your typical Portland white hippy chick.  She did  not have that funky hippy patchouli smell (but I have a cold and can't breath, so maybe she did) but she had the strange white person dreads and that long patchwork hippy dress that they all wear.  BTW...where the hell do they all get those?  Is there some hippy mart or a van selling clothes that I am missing out on?  Yeah...I am ok with that.  Her boyfriend looked like a trust fund baby with designer jeans and a Gucci man purse. DUDE...they were the strangest looking couple ever.
But I started chatting with them as my donuts were being boxed up, and they were nice.
Trust fund boy was asking me where I worked and why I was there so early.  I told him that I had to run a meeting for some MD's...yada yada yada.
He made a comment about how it was super early and I was all in the donut shop with wet hair.
At that point I made some funny comment about how usually at this time in the morning I am just getting home from the bar...or ya know...getting up early to go to church (depending who reads this blog).
He made a comment about how I looked like too nice of a girl to ever drink.
WHAT?  Wet hair and business attire say that?  Who knew???
I told him that was sweet, but that I was a whiskey girl.  He yelled out "Me too! Jameson!"

Well, we all know my love for that!  I told him that is what I drank as well.

Now....here is the funny part.  And this is not the first time it has happened and I am never sure as to why guys say this.

He yells out..."I will out drink you and your Jameson any day!"

Is that a good thing? You either are going to prove that you are a alcoholic or make me puke, as I never back down from a challenge.  Either way, I always think that is an odd statement to say to someone that you met 12 seconds ago.

Even the odd hippy girl gave him a strange look.  Or she was making googly eyes at her breakfast burrito.  Hard to tell with white hippy girls.        

Nice day for a white wedding dress...

I have a 80's Labyrinth Masquerade Ball coming up that I have offered to volunteer for, so now I need a costume.  I have the mask, so that is all taken care of, but since I can't go naked (and who would want that?) I need to now come up with a dress.  A ballgown sort of thing...I think.

At the moment all of my money is going to pay for summer camps for the boys...so it's time for me to get creative.  I knew I had an old bridesmaid dress around the house...somewhere...so I went on the hunt.

In the bottom of the closet in the 'time to go to goodwill' pile I found the dress.  It needs to be altered and made 'pretty' and I honestly have no idea of how to do that as I really don't know how to sew, but I will figure that out later.

Under that pile I found my wedding dress as well....so I had to put it on. Ya know...if only to make the boys laugh at me for being silly.

Here are a few things that I learned last night-

1-If I get married again, I am wearing a hat.  No real reason, I just think it looks cool.  The groom and all the wedding party can rock one as well.  The photo's will look amazing!

2- Wedding dresses really do have a lot of fabric.  Crazy as mine did not really have a train or anything, just a bit of extra fabric in the back.

3-Something about putting on a wedding dress always makes you feel pretty.  Even though I had no make up on, was feeling fat, was wearing knee high socks, had to step over a dog and was in my living room filled with laundry and kids....I still felt pretty.  Not sure if it was the dress or remembering how I felt in it on my wedding day.

4-Kellen is amazing!  When I walked into the living room with the dress on, after he rolled his eyes, he said to me..."Hey Mom!  You should wear that in an act about a girl that got dumped!"  DUDE....the kid is scary...but he is sooooo spot on (must now find perfect song!).


I have no idea why I still have the dress as it was not one that I had ever planned to pass down to my daughters...that I don't have and not like I am going to wear it again (if I do get married again, it will be outside, on a beach with a light dress...just saying) but it was fun to put it on last night and dance around the house for a little while.  And the memories that it brought back were welcomed as well.  I know my marriage did not work out, and the wedding might not have been what I had dreamed about, but it was an amazing weekend in Vegas with friends and family.  I said that I wanted to gamble in my wedding dress...and that I did!

Here is a random back pic of me in the dress and hat combo from last night.  You can't see it in this photo, but the back of the dress is really low cut and at the time (I was a bit larger) was super out of my comfort zone!  Maybe one day I will dig out the wedding photos and take you all on a trip down memory lane :)

Hey look...that's me!

WOW..it's been forever since I have posted.  I would love to say that it is due to the fact that I am so super busy that I just have not had the time, but honestly that is not true.
I have been lazy.  Lounging around all sloth like on the couch eating bad food and feeling...UGH.

TIME TO CHANGE THAT!

No...really! Bitches...stop laughing!

I have a few things coming up on the calender and I need to be ready!

Grace booked her first show-HOT DAMN (instant want to barf feeling in pit of stomach) so I/we MUST get on the move for that.
I have to create some sort of dress for the Labyrinth Ball and I have no money at the moment, so I am going to try and be creative (would it be wrong to die my wedding dress black and wear that?).
My lazy behind also needs to try and get ready for the MS Mud Run that is just around the corner.  I am trying to convince myself that yes, I might get hurt, but I probably wont die...so it should all be ok.

I am sure that I am forgetting about a million things that I need to get working on, but that is my list for now.

Oh, and if you can make it out to my first show...I will buy you a drink (I am not proud, I like bribery!)   

Um...ok...

This morning I was in the break room before work looking at the paper.  I saw in the A&E that there was a photo promoting a burlesque show that I am helping out with this weekend.
In the photo was a local performer, one that my kids and I ran into last week while out and about in the real, non burly world.  It's a funny story, but the ending of it is...Kellen said she was pretty.  It was cute!

So while talking to my cube mate (she already had heard the story) a second co worker over heard me, and asked what I was talking about.  I told her the story (she does not know about Grace Fall, I only said I had helped out backstage or with production) and showed her the pic from the newspaper.

She goes on to tell me that one day last month I was leaving the office and her son saw me in the parking lot and was asking who I was, saying I was cute...yada yada yada.

She ends that story with, "Yeah, he really had the hots for you, but he will NEVER meet you!"  UM....OK. 
At that point she looked like she was going to spit on me.  No...really.  You should have seen the look on her face.
BTW....her son is almost 30, not some teenage kid!

I went back to my desk feeling like I had just been slapped.  I want to run over to her and tell her that I am a good person, damn it!

Oh well....        

Proud mom of one little hippo

I think that I did something right, but in an odd roundabout way.

I will be the first to admit that I am not the best parent.  And that is not to say that I am not a good parent, but I can be a bit unconventional or lazy.

There are times when I let the boys stay up way too late just so that we can all cuddle on the couch and watch a movie.  There are nights when we have pizza for dinner and not a vegetable is in site.  We eat at the table as a family from time to time but most of the time we eat in front of the TV.  Yes.  All horrible bad things.  I know.  I am working on it.

But the point of this story is something good that I did, well, kind of...

Kellen has his big school musical this week and this is the first year that he has has a solo.  I am a very proud momma of my little hippo!  He has been mentioning that he is scared to do it and feels like he might mess up.  I told him that was normal and that he will do just fine.  I told him that I understood stage terror (my stage fright goes way past normal) and that the best thing to do it just take it as a challenge and work past it.

Side note: I have said this many times, Kellen has no clue of what burlesque is, he just knows that it involved me creating a costume and a dance and that I was scared to death to do it.  So just know that before you go calling CPS on me!

At that point Kellen said to me, "Well, if you could do that burlesque thing and you were scared, I can do this"

AWWWWW......that kids warms my heart!

So I think that in an odd crazy way my taking on the burlesque class has helped out my kids as well.  They got to see first hand how rewarding it can be to take on something scary, complete the task and be proud in the end.

And now mom knows how to make them a sparkly hippo costume if they should ever need one!  

It's my Thursday and I can cry if I want to.

Today is just not good.  I feel defeated.  I am at work and trying to focus on being productive, but all I really want to do is go home, get in bed and cry.

I feel like I have hit a brick wall with everything over the last few days.  I hate that feeling.

So today I am using my silly little blog to vent and hopefully I will return to my normal self in the morning.

But for today...fuck it. 

I might be quiet today.  I might fight back tears.  I might need a hug.  And I will definitely be consuming some sort of fating food.

Just saying.

Bring on the mud!

It is safe to say that I can be a bit impulsive.  Most of the time that leads to a new piercing, tattoo or bringing home a stray dog.

Yesterday that impulsive streak, coupled with feeling like a fat whale and the urge to try something new, ended with me signing up for this  http://www.nationalmssociety.org/chapters/orc/fundraising-events/mud-run-ms/index.aspx

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?  I can hardly walk to my car let alone run through the mud and try and clear some boot camp style obstacle course.  UGH.  Just thinking about it now makes me feel ill.  Knowing that I have to train for it and complete the course makes me break out in hives.  STUPID TAMARA.

Oh, and I am a member of a team now. We all know that if I were doing this solo, I would back out, but you have people depending on me and I HAVE to do it. 

This could not be a worse or better time for me to try and do this.  This girl has gotten big.  No joke!  I have found that I have started eating crap food and have stopped working out.  No a great combo.  So training for this is a good thing, but I know will kick my ass and pretty much make me want to vomit.

Today I start training.  And by that I really just mean hitting the treadmill after work for 40min or so.  HEY...a girl can't do it all in one night!

If you would like to donate and help me reach my $100 goal, click on the link and look for me or send me a note and I will give you the info.  Or, you can just check back in here  and laugh and cry along with me as I set out on yet another crazy adventure!

Would they need to sign a release form?

I was sewing Tribbles and watching TV last night when I saw a commercial for Match.com.  We have all seen it.  It was the one where they follow two people on a "real date" and film them all giggly and stuff.  Ya know, THAT one.

So that got me to thinking...I could do that!
No, not the random giggle and date crap, but the filming part of it.
We all know that if I were to start dating again and use a website to do it, I would blog about that shit like crazy, so why not secretly film it and post that comedy gold on youtube or something and have a dating web blog.  I think that it would be hilarious!

Would I find a boyfriend?  I doubt it.  Safe to say, that will never happen.  But, think of how much fun that would be to set up dates, maybe plan for odd locations and have someone film it.

I am sure that this probably has been done already and there are lots of 'kinks' that I would have to work out, but I think it would be a fun little project.

Ok...I just need someone to hide in the bushes with a video camera....  

The power of a smile...and glitter

Last night ended up being one of those random Wed nights when I think that my night is going to go one way, but it ends up going in a complete different direction.Ok....no problem.

So after some food (just food as I am not drinking and could be why I was so deep in thought later on in the night and in this blog post) and chatting with some friends, we made our way to a strip club.

This is not the first time that my Wed nights have ended up at a location like this, but it has been a LONG TIME.  And the first time that I have been to one since participating in the burlesque class.

And  I mention this because when I was talking the class and talking about it, people who were not familiar with burlesque would always say, "Isn't that just stripping?"  And I would always say no, and explain to them why it was nothing like stripping.

Ok...well, maybe nothing like stripping is not 100% accurate.  They are closely related and I can see how strippers go into burlesque and burlesque performers go into stripping.  I can.  Trust me.  And there is nothing wrong with that.  If you can get up on a tiny little stage in nothing but plastic death stilts and make some money, well, more power to ya!

But...while my sober self sat at the club the statement, "Isn't that just like stripping" played over in my head and it started to make me a bit angry and a touch sad.

As I looked around at the girls dressed only in leg warmers and a blank stare, it hit me what the real difference was between the two....joy.

Yes, there was no glitter, no costume that was worked on for hours, no gloves and not a strand of hot rollered hair.  All of that was missing, but there was not one expression of happiness on any of the faces that I saw.

Have you been to a burlesque show? Take away all the rhinestones and fake eye lashes.  Remove the boas and fans. Tall, short, skinny or round.  Every single performer that I have ever seen always has the same prop...her smile.  The act could be funny or dark, it does not matter.  At some point she is going to look out in that audience and she is going to make all of those watching feel like she is smiling at them and that she is happy to have them there.

And I am not Pollyanna.  I know that stripping in a club is a way of making money.  It's cold and dark and can be filled with many more negatives then positives.  I know that the worlds are not the same. Trust me.

But there really is just so much more to burlesque then just getting out of clothes.

So the next time someone asks me, "Isn't that just like stripping?"  I am going to look them in the eye, give them the biggest and best smile that I have and happily explain the difference....with joy.           

I would rather go to Detroit...

I was just reading a travel magazine (cuz a poor girl can at least dream about getting out of town) and they had an article about fun girlfriend get away spots.

I have always found this idea fascinating as I always seem to have more male friends and I have vacationed with them, but never with my girlfriends (note to self: need to make more female friends).  The article had all the typical places listed Vegas, Mexico, Hawaii, Dollywood and NYC.

WAIT...BACK UP...DOLLYWOOD?  As in the theme park up in the back hills of Virgina or some location that I would never go to in a million years????  Is that place still even open?  Is it next to Deliverance World?

UGH..and HELL NO!

To my female friends that I know read this blog ( Statler) and to the new friends that I hope to meet and maybe vacation with one day....if you ever suggest that we take a vacation to Dollywood I am ending our friendship, right after I smack some sense into you while booking our trip to Vegas.

Cuz I would much rather hear the slots in the back round then that weird creepy banjo music and to be honest...Dolly scares the hell out of me!

A house might land on me today...

I woke up in the worst mood ever.  Like so bad that I did not even stop for coffee as I had a feeling that some idiot in line in front of me would set me off for ordering too slowly.
That kind of bad mood.
Odd as I did not have anything happen to me and for once I actually got some sleep.

It is going to be a long day.  I am pretty sure that nothing is going to snap me out of this today so I should just keep my head down and stay away from people.

I really do not want end up on the news later for shanking a co- worker with a Sharpie...

Missed?

I miss people.

Well, not ALL people, but on the rare occasion when I have to end a friendship or cut someone out of my life, I miss them.  I wish I could be all bad ass and hard about it and say that I don't, but I do.

It's at that point when I start to wonder if they ever miss me too? 
Doubt it.

I am guessing that at that point, the other person is just happy to have me gone and I am (at times) a pain in the ass.

But it would be nice to think that maybe I am miss a little.

Just saying :)

I should come with instructions...

Someone once told me that they were trying to figure me out by reading my blog.  At the time I thought that was a silly statement, but after giving it some thought, it seems that statement is just stupid. 
It's a blog.
It could be all lies.

Well, not all lies as I don't work that way, but you can see how it could be.
The stuff that I blog about does happen to me.  Everything that I post is a part of my life. I am painfully honest and while not an open person by nature, the blog is used to vent and get stuff out into the open that if left just in my head, would probably drive me crazy.

But I still don't think that this a good way to get to figure me out. I think that can only be done face to face and possibly while enjoying an adult beverage or two.

But if you can't make it for the at drink and ever have any questions about me, just ask.   

Public Service Announcement

Girls--If you are out and you are drunk, please, for the love of god, DO NOT start licking the mustard bottle.  Even worse?  After licking the outside (YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO HAS TOUCHED THAT--JUST SAYING) you go on to actually EATING the mustard.  But not on anything.  Oh no...you just start dumping it in your mouth.

GIRL--THAT IS NASTY.  There was a whole basket of tots in front of you.  If your skinny drunk ass is THAT hungry-EAT THE TOTS!

Oh....and that evil nasty glare you gave me when I snatched your keys out of your hand?  Yeah, I know that was really meant to say, 'Thank you for not letting my sorry ass get pulled over by Mr. Police Man. Thank you Tamara!' 

**and yes, I do have photos**  :)

Oh, Statler and Kenny Rodgers- I LOVE you!

I have this friend, we will call her Statler.
Statler has this amazing ability that when she has made her mind up to do something, she does it.  No messing around.  She does it (whatever IT might be) 100% and never gives in.

This girl has the willpower of a monk.  She once gave up carbs for like...FOREVER.  Me?  I even think about doing that and within an hour I have eaten a whole chocolate cake.  (Don't judge. I eat my emotions).

What I admire most about Statler is her ability to cut negative people out of her life, and stick with it.
She is always telling me, "DELETE the number!.  Just do it!"
Me: "NO :winmpercry: I CAAAANNNNNN'T"
I am weak.  I have no clue how she does this. 
You know that Lady Antebellum song, the need you now one?  It does not even have to be me drunk at a quarter after one.  More then likely, it's like noon on a Tuesday and my sober ass is wanting to pick up the phone.  Statler would never do this!

I guess I am just an emotionally attached person.  And that is not to say that Statler is not.  She is (SHUT UP-you are!) and she has a huge heart, but she just *knows* when to shut the door on a not good situation.  She is like fucking Kenny Rodgers! She knows when to hold em, when to fold em and knows when to walk away.
So today (most days actually) Statter, I tip my ten gallon cowboy hat to you.  You are my self preservation idol.  LOVE YOU!     

Hey, Sad Tamara, GO AWAY!!!!!

UGH...this blog has turned into a place where I go to have my own little pity party.
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN???

I'll tell you how...

I forgot how to be me.  I let the crap that has been going on around me get into my head and change how I see things.

The world as I see it (ya know, the title of this blog) is usually seen though laughter and yes, some tears, but not the nasty sobbing ugly tears that have taken over my life!

Screw that!

So all the moms shun me.  So the other soccer coach wont even look at me.  So I am going to die single and alone.  So I failed at the burlesque thing.

So what!  At least I tried all of those things (well, not the moms...I thought about it and the Nooker can keep them.  Truth is, that group scares me!) and have some stories to tell about it.

And honestly, I have funny stories to tell about all of those things.  Stories that make people smile, even if it is at my pain, they still smile.

It has been way too long since anyone told me I was funny and make them laugh.

That is not the me that I want to be. 

Is everything perfect in my life? No, but is it ever for anyone?  Am I still heartbroken over the death of a resent friendship? Yes, but that is what makes me human.

I enjoy who I have turned out to be even if no one else knows what to do with me.

I AM BACK!!!!!

    

Random weekend fun

When Friday rolled around last week, I was bummed.  I really wanted to be a part of the Rosehip Review with a group of my burlesque sisters.  I had planned to be a part of this and then I got the news that Forrest's Grandfather had passed (I loved that old guy! He was the only person in the family that ever liked me.  Pretty sure it was due to the fact that we snuck him out of his old folks home and took him to drink gin martinis the first time I was in Dallas) and he needed me to take the boys on Friday night.  How can I say no to helping out my ex when there is a death?  Yeah...I can't.  So I spent Wed-Friday all bummed that I was missing it. And even more on Sat morning after reading all the great Facebook posts. SADFACE

But then I ended up having the most random and enjoyable weekend.
The following list is a mix of the random and enjoyable.

Hung out with the ex, his wife and his family for a bit at the Buffalo Gap
Got hit on by random odd (so not my type) single dad at the school carnival
Got a dog
Made my kids super happy
Helped out an elderly woman in need
Bowling
Trip to Spartacus
Sewed Tribbles
Timbers game
Smiles
Drinks
Laughs
Taxes


See....for the most part, none of those things were really on my agenda for the weekend and I am sure that many other things really should have taken their place and I am sure that I should have been more productive or something, but in the end, I had a pretty good weekend.  I love when the random works out in a good way and not in a I am going to cry myself to sleep sort of way.

I am still upset that I missed the show on Friday night, but there might be other shows.

How was your weekend?